online guy a fake

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
online guy a fake
12
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 11:56am
Okay guys-I got my answers, I did a little research on the net and found my guy on dreammates and he was just in there yesterday (cause it tells last time they were in) this ONE day after asking me to be exclusive--so I got the point real quick, called his cell, emailed him and point blank told him that was real nice- a day after asking

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 1:15pm
Ugh, I'm sorry to hear that...but at least you found out relatively quickly.

I think the only way to find out if a guy is "for real" is to take your time getting to know him (in person, not through phone calls or emails) and seeing if his words and actions match up. Having been burned by the fast start a couple of times, I'm going back to my original rule of thumb in my next r'ship, which is to not sleep with someone or agree to date them exclusively until we've been dating for about 2 months. That way, I'll at least have SOME idea of whether he's trustworthy before my judgment gets clouded by sex ;-). But even after 2 months, I will still be reminding myself every day that he might SEEM great, but it takes a good 4-6 months of steady dating to begin to have a good idea of what that person is really like.

There ARE good guys out there...I have friends who have found some ;-). But they do seem to be few and far between these days, so I can totally sympathize with what you're going through.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 1:31pm

Yikes! Oh well, I may have made a major mistake---he emailed me back--basically in all BOLD letters, yelling at me bascially

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 2:43pm
Hon, take your time and screen them before even meeting them. Don't jump in bed on the first date eyes to eyes. Tak time to e-mail, talk on the phone and meet in a public place for coffee or lunch. Don't go with him to his place or take him to your place or a motel. Just talk, as a man can be known for what he says and does. The first five dates are a honeymoon. It's typical for guys who are in dating sites to meet several women and have fun. However, there are good guys out there, but you have to take the time to look for the right one. You kiss lots of frogs before finding your prince.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 7:20pm
Maybe you did the right thing, maybe you didn't.

From my own experience, I have to say this...

I had a profile up on match.com that I placed when I put a profile up on another (better lol) site, but I didn't like the match.com format, so I never really did anything with it - I even forgot my screen name. Then one day a guy emailed me - he musta been searching waaaay back to find my profile. Anyway, out of curiosity, I clicked the link to his profile to have a look. Then I started getting emails from other guys, which I thought was odd. After a while, I got an email from a guy who I'd told I was seeing my bf and he asked if I was single again coz he noticed my profile was active. Apparently, even though I hadn't actually been on there for a while, opening the emails was enough to get me 'active' again. btw, it also took me a while to figure out how to get my profile off there too - but maybe I'm slow. lol

Anyway, my bf was also getting emails twice a week from another site and I noticed in his internet history that he'd been there too. But from my experience above, I just made a joke about him checking out other women, and he said the same thing as me - he was trying to work out how the heck to stop the damn emails.

I guess my point is, you get to decide now what you want to do. Move on because your gut is telling you something is not quite right, or take a chance on trusting again and hopefully you guys can reconcile, but perhaps agree exactly what you want from each other right now - and take it at a much slower pace till you're both more comfortable with each other.

I dunno...fear makes us do strange things and when it all looks 'too good to be true', we immediately think 'well it must be'. Sometimes it's just that...good...and true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 7:43pm
To late for a second try with this guy-i really let him have it! and he did not respond in nice--and yes, when he emailed me earlier what you said happened to you and your guy--is exactly what he said happened--and now I look like a raving lunatic! he said that i had some trust issues to work on and that non trust is a real issue! OUCH. he is right, but I had somehting happen to me friday that changed my entire life and with what was going on between us--i just freaked and wasnt using my head and in the process i feel that i screwed
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 7:58pm
Yeah, I suppose people get kinda defensive when someone questions their integrity. :-\

How much do you think you're missing out on now? By that, I mean, are you willing to put pride aside and ask for another chance? Were the red flags you saw really just your own fears/insecurities surfacing?

IF you think you still could have something, maybe wait a couple of days till you're both calmed down and send off an email saying you'd like to somehow rectify the situation...that's only if you still want something with this guy.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 10:16pm
Interesting turn of events...I think the lesson I'd take from this is, next time there is something that makes you wonder about someone's honesty and integrity, but you otherwise have reason to think they might be a good guy, ASK about the thing that is making you wonder, rather than assuming the worst.

So, in this case, rather than "letting him have it", you might have sent an email saying, "hey, I noticed that you have an active profile up on . I thought we'd agreed to date exclusively, so I'm wondering what the deal is." That way he has a chance to explain, and then you can see if his explanation seems reasonable to you.

You could try apologizing to this guy for jumping to conclusions and see what happens. If the guy is potentially right for you, he'll understand where you're coming from and cut you some slack.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 11:55am
Thank you all for the responses and I feel really bad about how I reacted--we do learn by doing stupid things dont we? However when my life completely changed friday and
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:33pm
You gave me the main point---he had to CLICK on an email that he was checking out to even re-activate the account--and even to me that is wrong--okay the night before you ask someone to be exclusive, the next day you are checking out another persons profile?? Just because you are curious? Well to me if you are serious about being exclusive--you would just delete and not go looking at it. At least thats what I would do! Call me silly--but I checked again today (because he hasn't posted his profile back up on yahoo or match--so I was wondering why??) so I checked the other site--and he was active again today--so I believe I did the right thing and the guy was just out for fun!! Its all good! Frog #1 down. And I
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:02pm
So, this is my story:

Last year, I dated a guy I met trough his online profile. We spent weekends together, also having sex (he lives 3 hours from me), but we never talked on beeing exclusive. Problem is, I was falling in love with him, and he was still maintaing the online profile active. So, I decided to test him. I asked a friend to write him an email answering the profile. He answered back... He also give her his cell number!!! She phoned him, talked to him and they scheduled a date to the same day we were meeting each other! Then he phone me that day, saying a lie that he is visiting his parents and only can be with me next day!! I was shocked at this time! So, he prefered to go meet a girl he never saw before, then seeing me as we had agreed, and also lying me!! Of course no one showed up at the date, and then he phone me again saying his parents weren't at home and so he'll came that same day to see me. Then I told him what I did. He was devastated..... he said he was not sure of our relationship, blablabla... I cut him off for good, he was just a bad boy type who likes to take advantage of every woman he can.

I did this, and we're not even exclusive! So, I think you overreacting in saying that things to him, you should have done two things: or asked him directly, or doing what I did, just answering his online profile and see if he answers back.

The way you did it, you put things in a way he can make himself victim of circunstances and making you feel bad, although you remain without really knowing the truth... my guess it's if he really pulled away from the relationship for good, probably it's because something was really happening with his active profile, and he realised you discovered......

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