open-relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
open-relationship?
2
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 4:45am

Hey there,

I'm 23 and a week ago I met a guy during a very serious social event in Ny. He lives in Dc whereas I live in California. We hooked up for 2 days, just kissed :) he showed me around Newyork, it was quite magical-like Before Sunrise movie- We were both sorry when I had to leave and we both wanted to see each other again.

He asked me if I had a boyfriend the second day we met, I told him "yes, no..hmm no" because I had just broken up with my bf that time and he questioned me several times if I had feelings for my ex.

I asked the same question 5 days later, which happens to be the day we kissed. And he told me that he had an open relationship, he is living with his gf and a boy. The girl is sleeping with both of the boys and all three is ok with that. He told me she had separate relationships with him and the other guy. He even told me he listens to them sometimes and feels happy for them when they "sound happy". Well, I couldn't understand how they manage to do that, but I had the courage to kiss him (I thought nevermind, he has a wide-open relationship)

He told me he would love it if I go to Dc. He texted me next day after we kissed and since then I haven't heard of him but I know he'd be very busy. Now, I'm thinking of going to Dc to see him. But I have questions:

-Would he like to see me?
-Should I see him when he has a relationship, open or whatever?
-Should I dare him to leave her if he wants to be with me and how reasonable would that be, it would be a long-distance afterall...

Any comment is very precious to me.

Thanks for your time :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 10:29am

Hon, you are asking the wrong questions:

you are focusing on HIM and what he wants - what you want is far more important to you!

Ask yourself:

What kind of relationship, if any, am I looking for and am I ready for it?
Am I ok with being in a casual relationship with someone who is also having sex with at least one other person?
Am I able to clearly and openly state my needs, wants and expectations to anyone and honor them regardless of what others may say or do?

There is a discussion on another board about 'being ready' - and far too many women get into situations that they are not prepared to handle at all - and allow it to distort their self worth and esteem because they are trying to make something out of nothing - all because they aren't prepared for it - and even worse, somethings don't have a clue what 'it' is they are looking for.

Basically - if you aren't willing to share honestly and openly with someone - you aren't ready to be in any kind of relationship with that person. It sounds like you haven't dealt with your breakup yet - it would be in your best long term interests to do so before jumping into another relationship.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 11:52am

tonitoons makes really good points in her post. You need to be ready for whatever a potential adventure requires. If you are feeling okay from your breakup (no residual emotional wounds) and you are looking for something different to dive into for a bit (casual affair) and you are in the right place emotionally and mentally, then it is your choice to meet this guy in D.C.

However, since he is sleeping with his roommate (and she is sleeping with another roommate) and has been for some time, you might want to confirm that he is disease-free before you sleep with him. Another thing to consider is the fact that after you come and go, he will still be sleeping with her and he likes having an open relationship so be mindful of that if you are territorial by nature.

I dont think you can dare him to stop sleeping with her. That is a decision he needs to come to by himself. If the timing is right and he is interested in ending that relationship, then you entered his life at the right time. He doesn't sound like boyfriend material...so I dont know why you are even thinking about him as a boyfriend at this point.