Open Relationship??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Open Relationship??
6
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 12:57pm
Ok...first I will apoligize in advance if this gets a little long!!

I met this guy online about 4 1/2 weeks ago on our 3rd date we slept together. Last Friday we were talking on the phone about what was going on that weekend and making plans. He mentioned that he had plans with a friend on Sunday, so I was like ok no problem we will just do something Saturday then. Then he got all quiet and weird so I was like so what your doing with your friend on Sunday? He did not say anything. So I was like ok....who are you meeting....who is the friend? I was joking when I said another date or your ex-wife (his has been divorced for a year and I am first oerson he has dated since the divorce)? Well it turns out it is another date. He started talking to this girl before we started talking or met. I met him first and had 3 dates with him before he met her. Well he was painfully truthfull and told me that he met her one week after we met and he did sleep with her when he met her. I do understand kind of where he is coming from wanting to play the feild and all since he is just back in the dating game and I told him I was ok with hte open relationship thing. (Iwent through the same kind of thing when I broke up with my fiance 4 years ago) He was so happy that I understood where he was coming from that he hopped in his car and drove over to my house (my house is not far only 5 mins) (the other girl lives an hour and half away) to give me a hug and kiss!! He said that he felt guilty not telling me. Well anyway we still went out on Saturday and I ended staying the night with him and leaving around 11am Sunday morning. (she was coming over at 12pm...I found this out after the fact) I made sure to tell him that I would be very jealous all day knowing that she was going to be with him and I was not going to be with him. (this is the 2nd time that met and like the 9th time for me!!) He told me that he was going to tell her that he was seeing me as well that day and I was like ok that is fine. We made plans to see each other the next night when we got off work. I went over to his house after work on Monday (he was making me dinner). I get there and we making dinner together and talking he tells me that he could not tell her about me. He could not bring himself to tell her. He also told me that he did try to sleep with her as well (I say try becuase he could not hold his erection for anything according to him) He thinks it was because he had such an active night/morning before.(about 7 times with in the span of 12 hours) I did ask him if he REALLY ok with me goign out with someone else as well and he said that he was jealous but he could not stop me since he was seeing the other person too. He said I guess that will be the test if he could handle it or not. I dont really want to go out with this other guy but I feel like I should to make things even?? I have never had an open relationship before and the only reason I am willing to try it is becacuse I really like this guy and would like to see him more. Am I being stupid?? Any advice or comments or similar situations would be great!!!

Thanks

Shawna



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:51pm
If you need to make things “even” then you don’t know much about relationships because it’s not about keeping score.

If you want to go out with someone else do so, but only if you want to not as a way to be one upping him. It’s perfectly okay that he’s dating someone else as long as you two are both okay with it, he’s also sleeping with her as well (even if they didn’t that night) he’s already told you he’s slept with her. So if you are okay with him dating and sleeping with someone else than I don’t see what the problem is.

I wouldn’t continue discussing their dates, or what they are doing though, that seems odd to me unless that sort of thing turns you on. I would just deal with your relationship, it’s perfectly great that you both are honest doesn’t mean you have to be sharing everything.

If you don’t feel comfortable him dating someone else why are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:53pm
My comment is that you're not comfortable with this but you're doing it anyway, and to me that isn't cool. This guy isn't emotionally ready for a serious monogamous relationship so if that's what you're looking for -- look elsewhere. To see other guys just to "even things up" IS stupid, yes. It's wasting your time and playing games. Games often backfire.

Also, (stepping onto my soapbox) you're not being very wise about your health. He's sleeping around and that basically means that you're sleeping with everyone he sleeps with etc etc. I hate that "nothing will happen to me" attitude. THAT is what is stupid IMO. Even if you are using condoms (which if you're not, oh boy, yes, you're being stupid)...they break. They are not 100% effective. If you don't mind living your life with an STD then keep on the road you're on. (stepping down)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 3:04pm
(I answered this post on another board.) Great post, I totally agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 1:35pm
ok so the other night I brought it up again. I basiclly said that I am not going to be able to share you much longer. He responded with I know....I need to make to decide....but I dont want to hurt you. So I responded with that is why I need you to make that desion soon because I dont want to get hurt. He then told me has mostly made up his mind already and that was why he was with me that night. (we did not have plans he called spur of the moment on his way home from work and I asked if wanted to come over) He also told me that the other girl has not contacted him since this past weekend and I think that kinda hurt him. He asked if i could give him till next weekend because he would like to talk to her in person. Is this a good thing??

PS..Yes I am using protection with him and would never think about no unless I was engaged or married!! Thanks for caring!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 1:10pm
sms1045...what ever happened with this guy? To your question (although it's probably a moot point by now), I actually don't think it was a good sign that he wanted to talk to her first before "deciding" about seeing you exclusively, that he said he "pretty much knew" what his decision would be, but the reason being b/c he hadn't heard from the other girl. IMO you should keep looking until you find a guy who KNOWS he doesn't need or want to look any further after meeting you. Not one who is not sure. And definitely not one who will only choose you once he knows the other girl is definitely not interested in him. That makes you his backup plan. What are you? Chopped liver? Don't settle for that. He may choose you now, but it sounds as though he will have his eyes open if better (in his opinion) comes along. I wouldn't settle for this guy. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 1:58pm
Hi Shawna, I personally think that 5 weeks is too little time to expect a committed and serious relationship. I would suggest not to push him too much on this issue cuz you're gonna end up freaking him out. He'll probably think you're too needy and clingy for getting too attached in just a few weeks. I think 5 weeks is not enough time to tell if you wanna get serious with someone. If I was dating someone and that person gets too attached to me in a short time I would wonder whether he really likes me for who I am or because he needs a woman in his life, any woman. Actually that happened to me with my ex-boyfriend. After only about a month of knowing him, he already wanted to move in with me and was talking about marriage, kids and the future. My gosh! Give me a break! He didn't even know me that well and he wants to get married??? Of course I broke it up with him after a while.

If you wanna keep this guy I would say play it cool, give it some time, don't rush into anything. If things are meant to be, it will happen slowly.

As far as the dating the other guy, if you wanna do it, go ahead, but do it just so you can get this other guy off your mind so that way you don't feel the need to have him around all the time. Show him that you have a life besides him, but not so obviously, cuz if you try to make him jealous you'll only end up showing him that everything you do you're doing it because of him.