An opinion needed on heartbreak........

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
An opinion needed on heartbreak........
3
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:18am
I've been seeing this guy for 7 months. I am 10 years older than him, but still only 39. One and a half months ago I moved 150 km away from where we lived, to take an new job. Prior to that, he was with me everyday. 4 weeks ago, he found a job closer to me, but it was still too far away to make the daily commute, so he stays with his family during the week, but has been with me each weekend, except this past one.

I thought we had a good relationship and had talked many times about the future together. Even though he wasn't sure about our relationship at first, because he was considering having children, we have continued on and I thought we were very close. We never argued and always laughed together and enjoyed one another's company. He never raised the issue of children since the very beginning and we were making future plans. We lived together for a brief period of time before I moved away, and he was so happy when he moved, just to be closer to me so that we could be together more often.

There's always a "but" and mine is about something that happened this past weekend. I found out he has been e-mailing another woman for the last 2 weeks. Asking to meet her and telling her he is not involved with anyone, among other things. Needless to say, I am devastated. I confronted him about it via e-mail, because when I called, he didn't answer the phone. I got an e-mail response from him, indicating that he was sorry to have hurt me this way, but he had been feeling unsatisfied with our relationship. He explained that he never met the woman, but had "only" been writing to her. He went on to tell me that I knew he wanted children and that we are at different stages in our lives. Then he says he was going to tell me when the time was right. We had just been together 2 days before and he never mentioned it. I feel betrayed and used and I'm totally shocked.

When we finally talked on Monday and all I could do was cry and he kept saying how sorry he was, that he is an ass, a cheater and a liar. My trust in him has been totally destroyed. It's very difficult to turn off my feelings and part of me wants to work it out, but part of me hates him for what he has done. I'm not really sure where we stand now. I don't want to be in a facade of a relationship or be taken advantage of. I don't even know if he wants to work things out or if he is glad that I now know the truth and he can move on, because our first conversation wasn't very productive with all the crying that I did. I'd say his e-mail is pretty good indication that he is relieved to be rid of me. We spoke briefly again Tuesday night, but I was so exhasted from lack of sleep, I cut the conversation short. He is going to call tonight. I know he is concerned about me, but I'm not sure how I feel about his concern, whether it is just his feelings of guilt or genuine concern for my heartache.


I've never had an experience of cheating before and I feel so confused. I don't want him to think he can do anything to me and I'll just let it go because being with him is better than being alone. I'm not afraid to be alone. I was divorced 12 years ago and have made a happy, successful life for myself alone. I don't need a man to make me happy, although I enjoyed his company a lot and felt very comfortable with him.

I guess I just want to hear what other people have to say about this situation. Maybe there is no going back to the relationship, for him or me, but I am just looking for some thoughts and feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:53am
Something similar happened to me, a bit different in that it was my ex-boyfriend lying to me because he wanted to get back together and thought he'd loose me if I knew the truth. He was sleeping with one woman, while at the same time dating and sleeping with another, and for a whole month we talked again every day and cleared up things from the past and hung out. Then one night I stupidly called him while I had been drinking because I couldn't drive home safely, well he drove 45 minutes across town to pick me up and we ending up sleeping together, but everything was fine and seemed we were ready to get back together. In fact he was and I was...it was then he told me about these two other girls, I felt so betrayed, his response to why he didn't tell me, "You didn't ask and I thought I'd loose you if I told you". Well, he did loose me. I just can't get past that kind of deception, it's the worst and honestly from my experiences and friends of mine experiences, once most often means he'll do it again. Whether or not it was just email, who cares, don't let him use that and his lame apologies to get to you.

It was really hard and it broke my heart but I had to tell my ex boyfriend (who I did love very much) I had to tell him goodbye. Just let yourself grieve and realize there is a man out there who will love you the way you are and never betray you like that. There was a time I didn't believe that, until I met my guy. You sound like a terrific independent woman with a good life, who can do SO much better than this one. Don't settle for anything less than the best for yourself. I would drop him, it's his loss and he will realize that someday. They always do.

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:05pm
Why continue speaking to him? Im a firm believer in believing what a man says to you so if he says "Im a cheater, a liar, an ass" you need to take him for his word. Im sorry this happened to you...it can be a confidence killer but at least you know.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 2:53pm
Went through a similar situation. I was so devastated when my ex pulled that with me. We were together with seemingly no problems. Then I would notice that I would call him and he wouldn't answer the phone or return my calls. I couldn't understand what his problem was. So we finally talked and I asked him what did he want to do. He basically said that I needed to be by myself for a while. Meanwhile, I found out that he was screwing around with his ex girlfriend.

Time passed, and he began calling me and begging me to come back to him.

Don't fall for it if yours does. It's just a temporary weakness on their parts and you'll wish you had stayed strong and moved on away from him from the start.