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| Fri, 09-23-2005 - 6:40pm |
Hi. Been dating a guy for nearly 10 months; for last month he has been throwing all these roadblocks up -- basically bringing up issue that he and i are not compatible/need a break, etc.. I am simply going to post his letter (he gave me the last time i saw him -- yesterday morning)in for you below, hope that you will read it and offer me your opinions as to the following question:
He asked me to give him one week to soul search. I feel like he has already had 10 months. He wants to meet again next Friday. After reading his letter is there really any point? wise for me? what does one week change? TY in advance for your time/replies.
"Just went through all those emails, wow what a roller coaster of emotions. Soooo much fighting. Soooo Much loving. You were right but i had to read it and look through the dates to beleive you. Something inside of me was "dancing/sidestepping" starting at the beginning all the way through. Like some subliminal force telling me to try to not get too close. Obviously whatever force that was wasn't too successful as not sure when i shifted gears but i certainly did fall for you. As i reda them again and again, I can't beleive you did not break up with me several times. You obviously were such a better "girlfriend" then I was a boyfriend.
Thank you for the forgive and forget emails you sent to me today, obviously you were not in mood to reply to me at all and i understand. as i said earlier i really do not have any bad feelings against you for any past things. Sure i wish lots of things never happened but the past is the past. i hope you feel the same about me as far as the things I have done in the past that have made you mad. I can forgive all as I assume you can as well.
The forgiving of xyz, that hasn't been my problem its been this weird bizarre confused wishy washy feeling inside of lately since MIchigan that I wish I could make vanish. Its like someone gave me a lidocaine injection and numbed out some "feeling" in me. I started becoming frustrated quicker, upset quicker as you pointed out. I feel like we had so many nights (pre Michigan) that were so luvy dovy, that awesome intense look from eyes to eyes, but in last few weeks, so many less as youpointed out, so many nights on more of a "buddy level", I felt the love at yoga when i was at peace with myself looking at you, you saw it in my eyes (tearing up now) but i feel like its not where it should be, it's not constantly there right now like where it was pre Michigan. I realize a large part of this is the ongoing conversations, fights, drama, etc. that drain us.
I feel so horrible and responsible. Just my words/actions since Ichigan have been crushing/wearing on you and you try so hard to move past them. I know you are ready to cry "Uncle" if you haven't already. You sit there and "bear with me" as I give you my ongoing spiel of being confused, concerned, etc. Any other girl would have told me to f myself the first day or two of my confusion spiel, but not K. K is a fighter and has been trying to not let "us" go. You make such a great effort in such a lousy time i have created and i thank you for that. i see from your emails that you have always been a fighter and i was always the one sidestepping in and out, what a bad boyfriend i had been in that regard, i see it so clearly now and i feel bad.
it was never mallicious K. I SWEAR TO YOU, I never hung on due to being "addicted to the sex" (as you said last night) I never hung on because "it was almost 6 PM" -- it has evolved due to your early persistence which i am thankful for, cuz without it, maybe i would have never loved like i learned to. i now see from emails, your vision of us "being a good thing" and having the fire to go for it, even if i wasn't as focused early on as i read the emails i realized i failed, wasn't whom is hould have been, i should have done better to have been 1000% there with actions and words long ago. Weird how I wasn't aware I was even doing it, maybe it became so 2nd nature from all the dating that it became my "norm" way of behaving. I just want to crawl in a hole right now.
I do not deserve you right now K, you are willing to give it 100% and my mind is in shambles of outer space. i want so bad (and say this to myself for weeks now) L, you have to either walk away OR give it 100% but there CAN NOT be any in-between, as its not fair to k or to you. But as hard as I have tried, I am just not able to "snap my fingers" or say "just do it" right now k. Something is missing in my head, I feel weak, beat up, worn down, so much over so many months for me, first all the things i did not say that affected us, then all the things i did say that affected us, and now all the confusion i have created from it all, the crying, the hurt, how horrible i feel when you said to me "L do you know what it's like to be dating someone who isn;t sure they want to be dating you". OMG K, I can't stop thinking about that comment last night. I couldn't pick up phone and call you today cuz i was so embarrassed, so shameful of what a horrible feling i have given you, can't stop crying now typing thinking about it, g-d what a ahole i am being and i feel so bad cuz i don't want to be, all i want to do is love you and be honest cuz as much as i love you and love being with you it's not working for me right now, i am not all there at the moment. I keep bouncing in and out. I don't know what to say or do. I know these words have to be so hurtful to you, but i am doing my best to be sincere with my feelings.
I thought long and hard about it last night and all day today and i am thinking the only possible solution for us right now to BOTH be clear, is to take a short break and create some time and space for both of us to sould search a bit.
I know you have been so awesome recently giving this your all K. And i do wonder where my mind would be in a week or so. i wonder will i go crazy without k or feel we are better off being friends with all that has transpired. i really (obviously) have no answers K, but i do know by continuing to do what i am doing with my "state of mind" WILL dsetroy us unequivocally in a matter of days or less if it hasn't already. i also wonder if you would feel the same a week or two from now if we were not in front of each other as we have been. i wonder how much of your needs right now are mixed up with just us becoming dependent and needing each other. with is becoming a "habit/addiction" to each other. i am not saying we do not love each other because i know we do. but all these thoughts are floating.
i am sorry for this path i have put you on since Michigan. I am sorry I have not been clear in my mind what avenue feels right to pursue. By reading those emails you sent me, it made me think, is what i'm telling myself really the truth, is all this really a function of what i have told k with past partying/lifestyle differences and path it took me down, or is there other elements i may not even be conscious of that i so clearly read in those emails. is something stuck deep down inside of me that makes me "non realtionship committal" I swear to you K, I cannot answer this question as honestly as i beleive what i told you is legit. however, just like you may have been partying regularly cuz the subconscious wanted you to run away from past rob hurt or whatever made you do it and you were not even aware of it, maybe something is twirling underneath L too. I really don't know but i want to be open enough to say i shouldn't rule anything out as i haven't talked this through with any therapists or others.
I don't know how you feel about this suggesstion to take a break. And i know you are probably thinking either a) well no L that option doesn't work and I need to move on if you can't decide to put in the effort now or b) well if i do take this "break" what does "that" mean? Does that mean a week, two weeks, ho wlong? Does that mean we stay monogamous or what?
I truly do not know Kim if we are meant to be together right now or if we are meant to be together at a later point in time or not at all. It's almost like I am scared to stay and I am scared to go. I am looking for a "means" to do some soul searching and see if i can better process all this. I am also considering seeing a therapist on my own next week, one on one to talk it through. I don't think I am able to process what I need to "as is" or how we have been evolving last few weeks.
I am not sure of the right answers to above K; i just know i am failing us right now and if i continue as is the writing is definitely on the wall. last thing i want to do is destroy a friendship with someone i truly consider my closest female friend in by doing whati am doing. This is my best shot at processing all of this right now. Please let me know your thoughts. Also, always know my feelings always have been and are genuine, amount i care and will always care is genuine. Whatever the future holds k, i hope me and my boys can always be a part of you and your girls life. love l

That is a confusing letter! My feeling from it is that he wants to make a commitment to you but he's not sure if he's capable. He seems to have simultaneously conflicting emotions. I don't know how your relationship evolved but it may be happening too quickly for him. I've made to observation in my own relationship that it takes time to adapt to someone else, especially when they're kids involved. It takes time to recognize and respect each others limitations. Maybe he doesn't feel that he can admit his short-comings so he tries to act non-chalant until he gets irritable and short. I don't know.
"Controlled" separations can be helpful, i.e., where there are ground rules set-up. I guess they'd be whatever you two agreed upon. He does sound a bit pathetic with all the apologizing. I don't mean that in a bad way, but it sounds like he's reaching to be sincere. He knows, or thinks he knows, he should be sorry but he's getting side-tracked in feeling over bad. My observations have been that feeling "over bad" is a way of side-stepping issues and avoiding taking definitive action. So he floats in limbo land, hoping a week will make some difference.
It sounds like he may be confusing love as being a feeling. I believe love is a decision. Of course, it has to be based upon something. When his feelings start to wane, perhaps he starts questioning whether he really loves you or not, probably for both your sakes. It's a proven scientific fact that peak experiences cannot last. If we were living high on love all the time, we'd burn ourselves out. It sounds like his expectations of himself may be too high and unrealistic. We need times of leisure and relaxation to restore our energies. Part of that includes emotional relaxation. I see no way that anyone could stay madly in love for years on end, without rest.
Research shows that after the first six months of a relationship, the way we feel about someone is based on how we feel about them as a person. It's also the time when infatuation starts to die down. A more companionate love takes the place of hot, fiery passion, but it's just as good and actually better for the long-term.
Maybe he just needs to realize a few things. Perhaps you can try to help educate him in a nice way and give him time to adjust. It seems like you guys have a good thing but too much of even a good thing can be overwhelming. It sounds like the two of you can work it out if you don't expect too much of yourselves and each other. Best of luck to you!