Opinions about dating Married Men...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Opinions about dating Married Men...
12
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:35pm
I'm new to this board, but I need to know if there is anyone else like me. I am 43 and after all these years, have finally met a man that I love. He is unlike anyone I ever knew, and I love him deeply. I am divorced from a man I didn't love. We were married for nearly 20 years.

The man that I love is married. He's been married for 26 years to a woman that he doesn't love. He has felt fondness for her in the past, but he is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 15 years. He married his wife while he was drinking, had his children while drinking and realizes the mistake that alcohol has been. He also realizes the mistake his marriage was.

The problem is that he has a mentally challenged daughter, who is 18, with several mental conditions. His wife and a therapist have told her that her father's drinking has contributed to her illness, and that if they get divorced, it will probably be because of her. His position is that if he leaves, she will believe the stories of his wife and the therapist, and that his daughter will suffer. He believes that he needs to stay in the marriage to provide stability for her, so that she will continue to improve to the point of being able to live independently. His goal is that he stay until she is married or at least stable enough to maintain her life without constant intervention. We do not know how long this will take.

In the meantime, his wife has begun drinking constantly, and has not had a sober day in months. She verbally abuses him on a regular basis, because she blames him for the horrible life that she has. She has believed that he has had affairs for many years, although we have only been together for these months.

As for us, we have been in a relationship for 9 months. We love each other in a way that is spiritual and meaningful, and both believe that we are meant to be together. He doesn't know how long he must stay married, and that he cannot ask me to wait for him, but if I do, then we will be together when his daughter is able.

My questions are these: (I know how this probably sounds.) -- Is there anyone else out there who believes that love can exist under these circumstances, and is he really justified in his thinking? Are there any alternatives to providing stability to his daughter other than staying in this horrible marriage? What are the real odds of a lasting relationship between us when we finally end up together? Is it true that if he cheats on her, he will automatically cheat on me?

Sorry this is so long, but I feel like I am at a breaking point. Any advice would be great.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:43pm
I think you'd be better off posting on the "My Affair" board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:56pm
I don't know how to find that, but I wanted opinions from every path. I didn't realize that you had to have a specific topic to post here.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:02pm
Well, this is a Dating board. You're not "dating", you're having an affair with a married man. Two very different things.

If you go to the Relationships Message Board link just above these posts, and click on it, at the bottom of the left hand column, you'll find the My Affair Support board.




Edited 5/14/2004 9:03 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:51pm
OUCH! You know, she is dating, it just happens to be someone who's married.

MY two cents on it is, he should talk to a therapist about his actual family; I also believe you should stop seeing him until he figures out how he is going to handle his own problems before he commits to a relationship with you. The situation sounds bad to me...but I know love is unpredictable. You also need to evaluate yourself in this circumstance too. After all, like you said, how long will you have to wait and hide this relationship?

PS I don't approve of anyone having an affair with a married person, no matter what the circumstances; but you didn't come here to get approval.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 11:21pm

I know this is difficult for you and it doesn't seem fair. But the fact is

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 11:27pm
Hmm...I don't consider affairs to be "dating", as that term is commonly understood.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 7:50am
Well lets redefine some things.

You aren't "dating" a married man, you are having an affair.

I highly doubt that a therapist would be so cruel to tell a mentally challenged girl that if her father left it would be because of her...that sounds like a nicely made up story so that you won't push for him to divorce his wife.

Also, there are two sides to every story and I bet his wifes would be much different.

I think you are believing all the bull he's feeding you and I think you are going to be the one really hurt in the end of all this.

To answer your specific questions:

<<>>>

I think people can fall in love while still married to someone else, I think he's feeding you lines so you won't push for more however.

<<>>

As doctor Phil says People do what works. They get a payoff, what is his payoff for staying in this relationship? He stays because he chooses too. He can very easily get divorced from his wife and maintain a relationship with his children. People do it every day.

<<<>>>

Probably the same odds with anyone in a relationship, however when he doesn't come home late from work you may get suspicious and worry since he's been cheating on his current wife with you, that will probably be in the back of your mind that he may be doing it as well.



<<>>>

Not necessarily, but there is a very good chance that you aren't his first affair, he's been married for 26 years, I doubt you are the first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:36am
The 1st thing I thought when I read your post is he is full of it! How do you know all this is true? He could be telling you this to keep you on the side. I have known many many men who have cheated on their wives & lived like to crazy to the OTHER women. My ex hubby cheated on me & did this, he told his girlfriend that I was a heartless ice person who wouldn't spend any time with him, that I was hateful & had problems. He couldn't leave me though b/c I would kill him, or her, or both or I would kill myself.. he told her so many lies about me & about himself, he ever told her he went on vacation with famous rockstars. He told her really off the wall crazy stuff, she was with him
~-~-:Heather:-~-~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 6:33pm

Hello elorad!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 6:49pm
Thank you all for your input. You certainly gave me a lot to think about. I, too, have wondered about the professionalism of a therapist who would say these things to an impressionable child. I am glad that I asked you all, who gave me a different perspective than those who accept this kind of lifestyle without question.

I really appreciate your honesty because I really didn't come for approval, but real opinions. Thanks a million...

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