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| Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:35pm |
The man that I love is married. He's been married for 26 years to a woman that he doesn't love. He has felt fondness for her in the past, but he is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 15 years. He married his wife while he was drinking, had his children while drinking and realizes the mistake that alcohol has been. He also realizes the mistake his marriage was.
The problem is that he has a mentally challenged daughter, who is 18, with several mental conditions. His wife and a therapist have told her that her father's drinking has contributed to her illness, and that if they get divorced, it will probably be because of her. His position is that if he leaves, she will believe the stories of his wife and the therapist, and that his daughter will suffer. He believes that he needs to stay in the marriage to provide stability for her, so that she will continue to improve to the point of being able to live independently. His goal is that he stay until she is married or at least stable enough to maintain her life without constant intervention. We do not know how long this will take.
In the meantime, his wife has begun drinking constantly, and has not had a sober day in months. She verbally abuses him on a regular basis, because she blames him for the horrible life that she has. She has believed that he has had affairs for many years, although we have only been together for these months.
As for us, we have been in a relationship for 9 months. We love each other in a way that is spiritual and meaningful, and both believe that we are meant to be together. He doesn't know how long he must stay married, and that he cannot ask me to wait for him, but if I do, then we will be together when his daughter is able.
My questions are these: (I know how this probably sounds.) -- Is there anyone else out there who believes that love can exist under these circumstances, and is he really justified in his thinking? Are there any alternatives to providing stability to his daughter other than staying in this horrible marriage? What are the real odds of a lasting relationship between us when we finally end up together? Is it true that if he cheats on her, he will automatically cheat on me?
Sorry this is so long, but I feel like I am at a breaking point. Any advice would be great.

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Edited 5/14/2004 9:03 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer
MY two cents on it is, he should talk to a therapist about his actual family; I also believe you should stop seeing him until he figures out how he is going to handle his own problems before he commits to a relationship with you. The situation sounds bad to me...but I know love is unpredictable. You also need to evaluate yourself in this circumstance too. After all, like you said, how long will you have to wait and hide this relationship?
PS I don't approve of anyone having an affair with a married person, no matter what the circumstances; but you didn't come here to get approval.
I know this is difficult for you and it doesn't seem fair. But the fact is
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Sheri
You aren't "dating" a married man, you are having an affair.
I highly doubt that a therapist would be so cruel to tell a mentally challenged girl that if her father left it would be because of her...that sounds like a nicely made up story so that you won't push for him to divorce his wife.
Also, there are two sides to every story and I bet his wifes would be much different.
I think you are believing all the bull he's feeding you and I think you are going to be the one really hurt in the end of all this.
To answer your specific questions:
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I think people can fall in love while still married to someone else, I think he's feeding you lines so you won't push for more however.
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As doctor Phil says People do what works. They get a payoff, what is his payoff for staying in this relationship? He stays because he chooses too. He can very easily get divorced from his wife and maintain a relationship with his children. People do it every day.
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Probably the same odds with anyone in a relationship, however when he doesn't come home late from work you may get suspicious and worry since he's been cheating on his current wife with you, that will probably be in the back of your mind that he may be doing it as well.
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Not necessarily, but there is a very good chance that you aren't his first affair, he's been married for 26 years, I doubt you are the first.
I really appreciate your honesty because I really didn't come for approval, but real opinions. Thanks a million...
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