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| Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:35pm |
The man that I love is married. He's been married for 26 years to a woman that he doesn't love. He has felt fondness for her in the past, but he is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 15 years. He married his wife while he was drinking, had his children while drinking and realizes the mistake that alcohol has been. He also realizes the mistake his marriage was.
The problem is that he has a mentally challenged daughter, who is 18, with several mental conditions. His wife and a therapist have told her that her father's drinking has contributed to her illness, and that if they get divorced, it will probably be because of her. His position is that if he leaves, she will believe the stories of his wife and the therapist, and that his daughter will suffer. He believes that he needs to stay in the marriage to provide stability for her, so that she will continue to improve to the point of being able to live independently. His goal is that he stay until she is married or at least stable enough to maintain her life without constant intervention. We do not know how long this will take.
In the meantime, his wife has begun drinking constantly, and has not had a sober day in months. She verbally abuses him on a regular basis, because she blames him for the horrible life that she has. She has believed that he has had affairs for many years, although we have only been together for these months.
As for us, we have been in a relationship for 9 months. We love each other in a way that is spiritual and meaningful, and both believe that we are meant to be together. He doesn't know how long he must stay married, and that he cannot ask me to wait for him, but if I do, then we will be together when his daughter is able.
My questions are these: (I know how this probably sounds.) -- Is there anyone else out there who believes that love can exist under these circumstances, and is he really justified in his thinking? Are there any alternatives to providing stability to his daughter other than staying in this horrible marriage? What are the real odds of a lasting relationship between us when we finally end up together? Is it true that if he cheats on her, he will automatically cheat on me?
Sorry this is so long, but I feel like I am at a breaking point. Any advice would be great.

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If you were smart you would end this now, chalk it up to a learning experience and never look back.
If he did get a divorce and marry you, do you realize you would end up with a man who cheats on his wife AND is a recovering alcoholic, a mad/unstable alcoholic ex wife and a mentally disabled child? Your situation would never be the same as what it is now - he would have very little to give you.
I think his devotion to his family is a blessing in disguise for all parties involved.
2. the sob story is common - your's is just a different variation on the same theme of "she doesn't understand me" -- except he's using his daughter as an excuse.
3. most will make promises of being together "sometime in the future".
4. and yes, if he leaves, his wife probably will tell tales of his adultery and deceit and they will be true.
5. of course his wife is drinking... she has a mentally ill daughter and a cheating husband...
6. he has found someone (you) who believes his story. chances are there are those who haven't been so sympathetic. i wonder how many other's he's tried this on.
7. you don't say how mentally ill the daughter is... from the details you provide she doesn't sound very ill... certainly not enough to be hospitalized and not enough not to get married. i'm not buying it.
8. using his daughter as an excuse is pathetic. he sounds like a very weak man who isn't willing to provide for his family - he'd rather have something on the side.
let this guy figure out his own sh*t and then come to you when he's finished being a real man and dealing with his life without putting the onus on you to be his escape hatch. it is very easy to have deep, meaningful relationships with someone who is not available... get it?
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