the other woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
the other woman
15
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 4:44pm
My friend has been seeing a guy with a girlfriend. Him and the girlfriend have a long distance thing. They see each other 2 weeks at a time, three times a year and talk on the phone only every now and then. I have seen my friend and the guy together and I think he is in love with her but he says he's having a hard time breaking it off with the other girl because he has been with her a long time and he's afraid she might hurt herself (she has a history of this). I told my friend she needs to stop seeing him, was this wrong? I just don't think he will ever have the guts to break up with the girlfriend. Why be the second girl? She deserves better than that. Plus he is cheating on the other girl! What a mess. It is sad because these two are in love, I can tell. But I think she needs to stop seeing him or she will only get hurt more the deeper she goes into it. I think she's already taking my advice because she's trying to come up with any reason to blow him off like he didn't call her today or something like that LOL Anyway, what do you guys think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 5:14pm
I think you gave the right advice. He is cheating on his gf with your friend. If he did break it off with his gf, what makes her think that he will not cheat on her?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 5:29pm
Well, I'm not so much concerned about the cheating part because it's not been long and I can tell he really loves my friend. And to me, girlfriend is not married. You meet other people, that happens! BUT I just don't think he has the guts to break it off with the girl even though he doesn't like her anymore. And I think that's LAME. And even though he is great, he is not great enough to break it off and she deserves better. It's just that I am sympathizing a little bit because I don't know what I would do if I wanted to break it off with a guy but I was afraid he might hurt himself if I did, you know? That is a really tough position to be in. But at the same time, I want the best for my friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 5:54pm
If they are just dating then no it is not cheating, but if he is in a "supposedly" exclusive relationship with the other girl then it is cheating... married or not.
That could be an excuse to have his cake and eat it too, you only know his side of things not hers. Regardless if he breaks it off with the other girl or not, your friend is responsible only for herself, not what he does or does not do. If he can't/won't give her what she wants in the relationship she need to find someone who can. She needs to decide what she needs to be happy and go from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 6:01pm

It is always BEST to take care of business in one situation before starting something else - otherwise, you spread yourself so thin, that everyone suffers.

Inn addition, if he is afraid to break up with her because she 'might' hurt herself - then he is allowing himself to be held hostage. A person will do what they do - NOT because of what anyone else does or doesn't do - but because THEY make the choice to do it.. If she truly wants to hurt herself she will - whther he is there or not. As it is - people like her just have to 'threaten' to do something, and the enabling co-dependents in their lives take it. He isnt responsible for her at all.

He needs t man up and do the right things, for himself and each of these women - otherwise, he is allowing women to dictate what he does. He can easily go to her family and tell them that he needs to break it off but is afraid she will do something stupid. Her family has far more responsibility for her than he does.

if he can't or won't - your friend is in for a HUGE world of hurt - because if she continues the relationship, she too will be allowing herself to be held hostage by an emotionally unbalanced person that neither are responsible for. that is a sad sad life to choose.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 6:15pm

I totally agree that he's being held hostage. I think he feels stuck. It is definitely the whole dependency thing you mentioned. Like, you get used to a pattern so it's hard to get out of. He's been on and off with her for four years and I was like, how long have you been thinking of breaking it off? I thought he was going to say half a year or a few months.. he said 2 years! I was like, dude! My friend is a smart girl. She told me she is done with it. I think she plans on just not taking his calls though, which is going to break his heart honestly. The whole thing is sad. I think it would be solved if he just dropped that girl, but I don't think he has the guts to do it. Like I said, LAME.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:26pm

well - I'd say he is a fool for sacrificing his life in this manner but none of us knows his true story. At any rate - some people prefer the 'comfort' of something - even if its awful to bear.

As for your friend - I'm sorry - she is not handling this well either. Show some kindness and courtesy - tell the man that she will not see him as long as he remains in another relationship for ANY reason. THAT is doing the right thing on her part. Who knows - it might be the encouragement he needs to do what HE needs to do.

Both of them are taking the easy way out and not doing right. Treat people with dignity and respect in all situations - anything less is just wrong.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 10:17pm
I agree with tonitoons, we don't know the entire story. Maybe his long distance girl is fragile, but what does that say about him, allowing himself to be held hostage like that? Maybe he is exaggerating about the frailty of this girl so that he does not have to become exclusive with someone. Men do exaggerate you know, it is not just women. It can take men years to break up with someone. Sometimes they drag it out hoping that the girl finds someone else because they don't want confrontation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:39am
Thanks, you're both right. But he is for real, I've seen it for myself first hand. His girlfriend is pretty much obsessed with him. Even her e-mail account she created, her address uses *his* last name and of course they're not even engaged. Her issues stem from family stuff too, etc. This is what I was talking about in another post when you make a partner the number 1 thing in your life. If you lose them, you'll have a meltdown and I think in her case it's even more dire because she has a history of hurting herself. But in any case, yah, whatever, it all sucks. I'm definitely going to tell my friend she should talk to him and just tell him straight out that they're done instead of avoiding his calls. Like you said, people like the easy way out. She's just hoping he'll stop calling LOL Maybe he will, who knows? Guys are crap!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:30am

<>

'Men' are NOT crap any more than 'women' are bithces. I hate these kinds of generlizations - it places blame on someone else for our own shortcomings.

People are people and what they do has less to do with gender than with their emotional maturity. Negative thinking draws exactly more of that to you. If you think 'guys' are crap - then you will have 'crappy' guys in your life.

I personally know some VERY good men. And I also know some crappy women. Its fairly even among the sexes.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:54am
I agree with toni...you can't lump all men together, or women either.
We are treated the way WE let them treat us.

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