Out of my league?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2003
Out of my league?
4
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 10:04pm
I've been friends with this guy for almost 5 years.

He broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years in Jan. Since then, our relationship has gotten deeper. We're "dating" - doing all the stuff couples do (movies, dinners, weekends away) and have a good time together. But we travel in different circles. He is from a wealthy family and is used to the finer things - he went to the best private schools, universities, got the double doctorate, etc. Most of his friends are the same-successful doctors & lawyers as was his ex. He talks about all of the high end places they go and things they do and enjoy.

I on the other hand am more middle income as are my friends-struggling artistic types. My immigrant parents worked hard to put me through school. I only have a bachelors degree. I feel successful in my career but have to work hard at it. I have an appreciation for the finer things but cannot necessarily afford them.

He wants me to meet his friends but I'm worried that I just won't fit in. Honestly some of the things he tells me they are into seem trivial and boring in a snobby kind of way. (an example of the difference between them and me- they go to swanky benefit functions for charities ; I can't afford those functions but do volunteer my time on a regular basis to different organizations) I don't know that I would fit in. And I'm afraid he would be turned off by some of my off the wall friends. I know that we can't be in a bubble forever. Also his birthday is coming up and I can't afford the things that I know he would appreciate. Any suggestions? Can this relationship survive?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: novatrn
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 10:23pm
To my way of thinking, if he was concerned over your social status or circle of influence, he would not have invited to meet his friends. He wants you there! So what if you are different - it can be a learning experience for both of you that creates a unique balance for your relationship.

Do let him know of your financial means and he will appreciate your thoughtfulness moreso than the amount of cash you spend on him.

I see very little to worry about as long as you both keep an open mind and are accepting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-1999
In reply to: novatrn
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 12:10am
I wouldn't worry about it too much. Your message reminded me of a post I saw on a blog recently:

http://playingschool.blogspot.com/2004/09/its-raining-men-hallelujah.html

written by a female college professor. She comments on disparities not in wealth and income, but in educational attainment. It's a little long, but one relevant paragraph is:

"Interestingly, the men who have expressed interest but who don't seem to have these hangups/problems often have very little formal education and are not white-collar workers. They're at the other extreme, and they have no issues with it. They don't comment on the disparity in education (which cracks me up because I have a friend with an MA who obsesses over whether she could date a man who only has a BA or AA -- could they handle the difference. Ummm. Formal education can mean so very little)."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: novatrn
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:02am
Maybe I like living in my little utopian world, but isn't the physical, emotional and mental connection far more important than what piece of paper a person has on their wall or what's in their bank account?

If he wants to be with you and you want to be with him, I don't think it's really relevant what other people think you should both be bringing to the table.

Don't let negativity (or snobbery) or stereotypes rent space in your head...know your own worth and feel worthy...that's the most important thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: novatrn
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:51am
I think you should go for, but I have a few suggestions.

1) Don't feel bad about yourself just because you don't have. These people aren't going to automatically look down on you, so there is no reason to get defensive about your status in life. Behaving defensively shows others that you believe that you are inferior and that you feel the need to make up for it. You're not inferior!

2) Don't talk about what you or other people have or don't have. And never never ask the price of anything or how much someone makes!

3) Do talk about your volunteer activities. I know most people that attend benefits do so because they like to help but usually don't have the time. I know doctors in particular generally love to help other people. That's why most of them go into the profession.

As for birthday suggestions, the best gifts are not the expensive ones. An outing would be a fun idea, picnic in the park, homemade dinner. Figure out what his biggest frustration is and select a gift to alliviate it!

Hope this helps!