Overcoming jealousy and insecurity

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Overcoming jealousy and insecurity
5
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:17am
Ive been dating the same man for three and a half years. Over the years, he has never cheated on me; however, I become jealous over the stupidist situations causing tension and stress in the relationship - ultimately, resulting in him not telling me things for the sake of not fighting.

Basically, I am jealous of every single woman that he comes in contact with. Whether its a friend of his, or a friend of a friend, or a coworker - I get so overcome with jealously that it ends up with me causing a scene or a fight.

I have tried to tell him that the reason that I get jealous is because I dont feel secure in our relationship and that if he made me feel a little more secure I might not get so worked up over stupid situations.

We cant even go out without me getting upset over him talking to a woman. I dont even wait to find out who she was, I just jump to conclusions. Seriously, if he were "looking" for someone else would be do it front of my face? I just cant seem to get over thinking that Im not what he wants and that he is out there searching.

We live together but we are not engaged. He always said he would not move in with someone before marrying them but he moved in with me anyways. When he bought his house he asked me to move in. Im the first person he has lived with of the opposite sex so that should say something to me.

I just dont know what to do in order to get over feeling so insecure and jealous. I know that I cant force love and it no use getting jealous over something that I cant control and I dont want to be some kind of control freak whose boyfriend is afraid to do anything out of fear of making me mad. Healthy? I think not.

Yes, I have been cheated on before. That coupled with the fact that his parents dont think I am good enough for him (and in turn I think he will listen to them and decide that they are right) make me so scared of loosing him. But being jealous and getting upset all the time is no way to prove to him that we are a good couple.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:35am
He can't make you more secure....if he "gave" you more (emotionally), I doubt it would ever be enough for you. So why do you think any and every woman he deals with is so much "more" than you?
Avatar for happychick01
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:43am










First of all its normal to feel insecure especially after he cheated you on and you need to learn to trust again and he needs to prove to you that YOU can trust him again its normal to feel that every girl he meets or talks to is going to lead to something else but just keep the communication open for the both of you.

As for the parents thing I can relate very well while I dated my hubby his older brother couldn't stand me and he was influnced by his older brother but despite his older brother not liking me we still fell in love and have been married for 3 yrs so screw the parents and if he does listen to them after all you two have been through then he wasn't yours in the first place and will find better

Hang in there

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:49am
Let me clairfy, he wasnt the one that cheated, it was a past relationship - so I am not sure if that is causing me to think that he would in turn cheat on me.

As far as family goes, its hard when their family is very close and has a great influence on each others lives. Granted, if he follows what his family beleives, your right he wasnt mine in the first place.

The main thing for me right now is getting over this feeling of insecurity. Im not sure why I feel this way or why I think he would just up and run off with some other girl. I need to figure out how to over come the feeling of jealousy so that I dont drive him away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:10pm
How old are both of you? Do you want to get married? That was my first thought, that after 3.5 years together you want a commitment, but you didn't say that so I don't want to jump to conclusions. At my age (34) I would never spend that much time with someone w/o a commitment. Have you discussed marriage? If so, what has he said about it? If you want marriage and he is stalling, that can make you feel extremely insecure.

Oh, and I wouldn't put too much weight on the fact that you're the first person he's lived with. That might not have as much significance as you think. It could be that he just likes spending time with you and wanted some help with the mortgage.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 2:38am
It sounds like you aren't being yourself these days. From what you say this is a new trend, and you clearly recognize this behavior is irrational & destructive. Something must have triggered you recently, any thoughts on what? You have some real things to consider. His family's disapproval is a huge thing -- it may be unfair, and of course this is going to make you insecure, that is natural. Perhaps the same goes for not being married yet after all this time & committment. I agree with what the others said -- it sounds like you want to know where you stand. What's the next step. You are going to have to have the tough conversation, and face some real issues.

But first you need to stop self-sabotaging with these scenes & fights. To start, you may have to force yourself to lay low for a while, swallow your anger, stop acting on it, because you know it's not right. Be strict with yourself -- just stop, you can do it. You know it's nonsense. Even if you cant help the thoughts, don't lash out, especially not in public. Go to the bathroom, wash your face, take a deep breath, and stay calm for the sake of the relationship. If you can do this, you & he can go back to some good times, and then the tough conversation about the future might not be so tough!