parents and holidays

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
parents and holidays
7
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 11:36pm
It has been a while since I posted on here. I have recently found out that I have a cyst in the cerebellum part of my brain. I also have three fused vertebrae that are pressing on my spine and causing me to have numbness and tingliness in my hands, arms, and neck, and severe neck and back pain. I am most likely going to have to get spinal surgery to separate the vertebrae, as well as surgery to either remove or drain the cyst. I meet with a neurosurgeon this Friday to see what can be done.

Throughout this whole ordeal, John and his mom have been very supportive of me. His mom is a nurse and she has been trying to get me into see some neurosurgeons that she knows. John has been very watchful and helpful to me and has told me that if I need surgery, he will come to be with me for a few days and help me out. Him and his mom have been giving me a lot of advice and insight into what to do about my situation.

Until today. I dont know how to take what happened today and I think his mom is mad at me and I am not sure. His mom invited me for Easter dinner and I said ok. I ended up spending the weekend down over by their place anyways. Today, his parents went to church this morning. John is not really religious so he didnt go to church. His mom knows I am Catholic and that I used to go to church on Sundays. When his parents came back from church, she was kind of annoyed that John and I didnt go to church. She then told us that we would eat dinner around 2 PM. John wanted to go out to get some breakfast and to also go to the comic book store to pick up his order. After we ate and hung out at the comic book store, it was 2 PM already. I asked him if we should head back to his parents house since it was 2 PM and that his mom was serving dinner at 2 PM. He told me not to worry and that we could go to the grocery store and pick up some things.

When we got back to the house, I realized that his mom was in the kitchen. I had brought in a bottle of wine to give to them as a gift (I had brought the bottle of wine down on Friday but had left it in the car). His mom looked at me, smiled in a weird way, and said to me that she didnt want the wine and to take it back. She then said they ate at 2 PM since that was the time they said they were to eat. I was hurt at the way she reacted to me and I didnt know how to react to it. I ended up going out to the living room, sitting there for a bit. Then I picked up my stuff and my purse and went out to the car and sat there. I was worried and scared that she was mad at me. I dont know how to read that reaction. When we had come home, John had went to use the restroom because he had an upset stomach. After he was done, he realized that I wasnt in the house. His dad told him that I had left with my purse. He went out to look for me and he saw me sitting in my car. He asked me what was going on and I told him that I thought his mom was mad at me. He said he didnt think so. I then told him what transpired between me and her while he was in the restroom. We talked for a bit and he thought I may have taken her words and comments the wrong way. I am not sure, but I was hurt so I told him that I was going to go home. He was worried I was mad at him and he hugged me and told me how much he loved me and he hoped I was not scared of coming back to his place again. He really wanted me to come back in the house with him, he didnt want me to leave, but I told him that I was leaving since I was hurt and scared and didnt know how to react to his mom. He then told me that he would call me later this evening.

He hasnt called me this evening, but that doesnt mean anything. Sometimes, he gets tired and falls asleep. I dont know how I should have taken his mom's reaction to me. Her refusal of the gift makes it seem like she was mad at me. I hope she doesnt blame me for not coming back on time. Yes, I drive John around when I am with him, but I am not his keeper meaning I dont tell him what to do and what not to do. I reminded him about dinner and he told me not to worry since sometimes he says he is coming home for dinner and then he doesnt show up or he shows up late. He says his mom sometimes makes a big deal about holiday dinners, but if she was mad, she would be mad at him, not me. I just hope she doesnt blame me for being late. After her comments, I was afraid to come back into the house to face her so I left after talking to John.

I dont know. I hope I am overreacting and that she really isnt mad at me. How would you guys take her refusal of my gift?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 3:48am
Hi RW:

I think you accepted an invitation from his mother and then did not show. She may have been insulted. Regardless of what John wanted to do, you made a commitment to be at his mother's house for dinner.

Sometimes it is easy to get lost in the details and interactions but you have to be diligent about your commitments. Ask yourself the obvious question: How would you feel if you invited someone to your home to share a meal, and she agreed, you spent time preparing the meal, and probably worked hard to make it special, only to find she did not show?

Simple answer.

I would apologize and tell her I would take my commitments to her more seriously in the future. But I am not you. So, do what you think is right.

Good luck,

dh

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 7:03am
Rude, rude, rude. Not only showing up late but leaving without saying goodbye or anything...just...rude. May I ask how old you and your boyfriend are?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:55am
You're behaving like a 14 year old. You "ARE" that boy's keeper...you drive him around.....you go to him...you tolerate his lack of independence and emotional maturity while being his "girlfriend".

His mother thought all these monthss that you were the "best thing in his life' because she expects YOU to make sure he's whre he's uspposed to be on time, that he's now going to be successful, and secure and get out of their house and off their dime - at some point.

She's looking at you going - you've accomplished financial independence and if you're with him you're a likely source of his becoming "financially reliant" on you vs. them....

In short, she doesn't respect and admire his lack of adult maturity and responsibility -and she is looking to YOU to make him what he's not- emtionally mature, responsible, and independently succesful.

You knew dinner was at 2pm.....she easily could have meant 'take back the wine, we're not having a formal dinner AGAIN with you two children since you can't be on time"....and she could easily have implied more "as in, don't bother buying my positive attention since you didn't obey me and show up on time".

John is an irresponsible and immature "boy" - you can see that in response to his parents. He's not a respnsible adult showing on time for dinner...he's like a "boarder" who doesn't pay rent, has been offered the 'option' of dinner nad is expected to attend and who they've prepared to serve...and then based on his whims and desires, he doesn't show, doesn't call, etc.

he'll treat you the same way - in fact, he already is.

But you're with him...and you're seeing it now...in great part becuase you want a 'family connection'- which now you're not as certain exists in the positive light it once did. And once you realized that - upset that you were not getting what you wanted out of this relationship - you had no problem leaving him and going home. You wanted his "mommy" to want you to stay and if she didn't come out and make it known that you were wanted and desired by HER...you were upset and wanted to go.

John isn't as important to you as the entire "potential" that exists within a relationship as you define it is.....it's just that h'es all you can attract based on your codependent dysfunctionality and that is wha tyou're going to have to settle for as a result of refusal to address that reality.

Sorry about your health issues, they really are important and you needt o attend to those issues ASAP.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 6:54pm
doubleblade, I do agree with your interpretaton of the situation. I guess John is dependent on me, but I can't see myself as being his keeper. I let him do whatever he wants. I dont try to control him.

I guess I am just scared about what happened yesterday afternoon and his mom's reaction to me. I did tell John that we should be heading home for dinner since it was almost 2 PM, but he wanted to stay longer at the comic book shop. He also told me that he has been late or missed holiday dinners before and his mom knows how he is. I guess I could have been more insistent about the dinner but I do know that John can act like a little kid and throw a temper tantrum when he is dragged away from something he likes.

I guess I am worried about the situation between his mom and me. From her reaction to me, I took it as "I should watch out for him and get him home in time for dinner, and that it is my responsibility". John is an adult and I cant control him nor do I really want to. He told me that his ex was always out to control him and he couldnt handle that and that her trying to control him nearly destroyed him.

I am trying to preserve this relationship between JOhn and I, and also to keep on good terms with his mom, which I dont know how to approach her. I dont want to lose them all because of what I am going to have to face within the next 6 months or year.

About two weeks ago, my world caved into me. Now I have to put my plans of teaching on hold and I may have to take a medical leave of 6 months from my job. For the past few months, I have been suffering from numbness and tingling in my arms, hand, and fingers. I then developed severe back and neck pains. I was eventually referred to see a neurologist and had a few MRI's done. Turns out I have a rather large cyst in my cerebellum that is pressing on my spine. I also have 3 r 4 fused vertebrae. The neurologist, after reviewing my MRI scans, felt it serious enough to call me three times on a Tues night looking for me. The prognosis was that this was all congenital but if I dont do anything to take care of it, in the next 5-10 years, I will lose the use of my arms and hands. If I get surgery done, it may work out, or I may develop more serious symptoms.

I am very scared about this whole thing because it is both spinal and brain surgery that I will have to go through and I have a 4-6 month recovery period in which I will be confined to my bed about 4 months. I really need the support of all I can get, that is why I am scared of losing John or his family's approval of me. If I get the surgery, my mom will come out to care for me, but she wants me to move back to LA to get the surgery. I dont know. I am scared and want all the support I can get, that is why I try not to rock the boat when it comes to John and his family. Until yesterday, his mom has been very supportive of me, helping me get in touch with neurosurgeons she knows, so I can get a second opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 8:48pm
Hon, I'm going to put it to you really straight...because you haven't got time for more of your perpetual denial and delusions.

IT's like this...John's not a mature, responsible, independent, self-reliant man. And the reason that John's version of his last relationship is "she kept trying to control me" was because initially she did what you're doing - whatever he wanted to do - she "enabled" it. She drove him around, didn't require him to work, allowed "hanging out with his family" to be considered a date and a solid indication of committed relationship. His parents wanted him to be either a) reliable and responsible or b) outta their hair and off theri dime. She took him off thier hands.....he went because he thought he'd get to do whatever he wanted like he always had - that she had always enabled. But now, living with him, him not paying bills responsibly, him not handling chores appropriately - she started "telling him what to do" - just like his mother, and you'd end up in the same predicament. Because impact causes conflict unless both people are responsible working toward similar goals via similar methods.

His mother holds you responsible for where he goes - because like a big sister - you're "taking him out" - knowng what time he's supposed to be home to meet obligations he can't be trusted to responsibly uphold on his own.

You're now facing major surgery...honey, really get serious. YOu live an hour or so away from a guy who doesn't drive, who loves "being with you when it's easy and convenient and provided you don't make him do thinsg he doesn't want"....how exactly are you expecfting these people to stand by you, to assist you - from a distance - with him unable to drive, unable to pay his own bills, and unable to be relied upon for anything of relevance.

These people are NOT going to be by your side - assisting you, with you being totally incapable to do for yourself and incapacitated and of no benefit to them. They're with you provided that you "prove useful" - in the upcoming months, you won't - and they won't be there.

You need for form alliances that you can rely on - check into sources realistically - because these people are NOT going to be there for appropriatey or otherwise.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:05pm
She was probably angry at John, and by extension, at you. He should have called his mom to say he wouldn't be back by 2 and then wasn't.
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:15am
First, let me say how sorry I am about your medical woes.

Next, I want to bash my head against the wall because you still DON'T GET IT!!! Your boyfriend is a complete and total LOSER -- fancy being THAT disrespectful that when his mother tells him when to be home for a holiday dinner he can't even be grown-up about that - defying his parents as though he were 12, hanging out at the 'comic book' store longer - this is who you are going out with? This is what you want for your life? You realize down the road, it'll be your wishes that are completely ignored. It'll be you begging him to come home for some dinner party you've organized and he'll be telling his friends at the comic book store what a nag his girlfriend is and how he's just looking for a way out.

GET RID OF THIS GUY. He is not good for you - he isn't good for you life and HE WILL BRING YOU DOWN.

Don't you want to be in a relationship with somebody you admire and respect, somebody who you would be proud to bring home to your parents?? This guy will bring you nothing but misery and he'll bring you down too - all those goals you have for your life will start to slip away as you focus more and more energy on trying to make a bad relationship work.

Work on yourself, your health, your self-esteem - learn to 'manage' your mother so that you don't feel put down by your relationship with her, but instead empowered at your ability to see her for who she is, faults and all and for being able to love her from a place where you aren't blaming her for all your issues - those are much more worthwhile things to focus on.

'John' is a total loser and I guarantee you, in the fullness of time, if you don't get out, he will bring you nothing but misery. You owe it to yourself to do better than that.

Come-on already!!!

Coolas