This pattern is KILLING me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
This pattern is KILLING me
9
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 4:41am

I have an almost identical pattern with relationships. I have had two relationships that didn't fit this pattern, the two that ended with my heart getting broken.

But this is killing me... I keep failing and hurting myself, the guy, and getting more scared and unsure of myself every time.

The pattern: I meet someone I have lots in common with, we have an instant spark. There's a lot of initial excitement, and things move quickly to a very happy, very comfortable place (in the last one, we spent every night together after we met, and after a week it was as if we'd known each other for years). I'm really into him, he's really into me, and we're both very open about our feelings.

And then overnight I'm not interested. Every time, the guy is too nice. They may have been confident (or arrogant), very smart, or very rational or some other quality that balanced it, but inevitably they start treating me like a princess, putting me on a pedestal, changing their plans for me, buying me gifts... I feel like they would do anything for me and I don't like it. They say "I love you" and I want to respond "Yeah, I know..." I instantly lose all attraction, start to notice annoying pet peeves, pick fights, sometimes even take advantage of their niceness.

Not all of these guys are insecure and lacking in confidence! I know that some are just generally very caring, nurturing people. The only times when I haven't done a 180 is when the guy has been slightly emotionally detached... still loving, but they don't sacrifice everything for me... they put themselves first generally and stay more independent. I seem to be attracted to that, even though it makes ME slightly more insecure.

This cannot be healthy to dump dream guys because I feel better than them or I've lost respect for them and chase after guys who don't give me everything I want, hold out, and make ME feel like I'm not good enough.

WHY!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 11:03am

Since you walk away feeling bad about yourself and how things ended with these nice guys...then obviously you are feeling some sort of remorse. Most women would love to date a guy who is nice and treats them well. After dating and marrying all types I would agree that it is important to be with someone who you respect and admire. A "nice" person who is fun, easy to talk to and affectionate is great and hard to find. To find someone with this entire package is terrific.

I'm sure the same goes for guys. I'm sure they want a woman who is loving, interesting, considerate, thoughtful and genuine, but not someone who will ask how high when they bark "jump". "Jump yourself!" is what they want to hear. I don't abuse guys or take advantage of their kindness...if anything...it has been men attempting to take advantage of my kindness.

Sometimes, in the initial stages of love and dating men are so excited to be with this new woman that they seem to want to please the person so much that they do anything, but after a while it tapers off. And then when the guy knows he "has" you, he starts acting real pompous and then starts taking you for granted. Or they feel that seduction and romance efforts on their part can stop now because they "have" you, when the idiots don't realize that that type of fun has to keep going to keep things interesting. Then I start to think, "why do I bother treating this guy well, he doesn't appreciate it." So maybe you never gave it enough time to get to that stage...no fun..let me tell you. But breaking up with them is rewarding because you get to stand up for yourself.

"The only times when I haven't done a 180 is when the guy has been slightly emotionally detached... still loving, but they don't sacrifice everything for me... they put themselves first generally and stay more independent. I seem to be attracted to that, even though it makes ME slightly more insecure."

---there is a difference between having boundaries and not allowing someone to abuse you or your kindness and being a detached person. When I think of "detached" I think of selfish, game playing, not giving unless there is something in it for him. Having limits to how far someone can go with you is not the same as putting yourself first. "Putting yourself first" can mean selfishness, but I'm not sure how you refer to that. Being kind to yourself and loving yourself is not the same as abusing the kindness of others, which is selfishness. The bliss lies in the balance. I'm giving, but if I sense that the person will do what they do to my expense, the giving stops and the guy goes.

-- maybe you are attracted to men or situations where you get something out of being anxious about a guy's love? I don't see how a real relationship or true connection can occur with someone who holds back and leaves you wondering. I prefer a guy who is confident of his worth rather than someone who appears to not need or want you in his life. A guy who is detached may keep you on your toes and you may like that - not really knowing how he feels. But....since it is bothering you...intellectually you may be realizing that you are not being kind to yourself anymore. If that doesn't work for you later on then you can change your perspective and see nice guys differently.

A relationship is about mutual give and take. In a relationship, sometimes we give more and other times we receive more - it all works out in the end. If one loves and cares for another, then it can feel rewarding to do something nice for the other or put something you want on the back burner or forgoe something to be "there" for the other. That is how you build trust and love.

"Nice guy" doesn't mean that he is lacking in attributes or strength or less attractive or someone who would take abuse - the balance of these qualities is what is key. But, you can't force what doesn't come naturally to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 11:25am

the need to self sabatoge, dump 'good' guys who are good partner material for those who tresat you badly and encourage you to feel badly about yourelf is YOU needing to reinforce just how undeserving, unlovable and 'not being good enough' you feel.

Hon, you seem to have some deep seated insecurity and self worth issues, otherwise you would not sabatoge and push away a real possibility of having what you say you want.

When you sabatoge, deny and push away the very thing you say you want - its pretty clear that you don't feel worthy of having it. I suggest you get into counseling to help you find the cause of your issues and help you work through them so you can begin to build a healthy relationship with yourself and then others.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 9:21pm


I should say that this really isn't a rational decision when I make it... it's like there's incredible chemistry and emotion and attraction and then all of a sudden it's just gone. With the last guy, I still enjoyed being with him but I wasn't the least bit attracted. Days earlier I would have said I was in love (and thought I meant it). There's nothing I can "work out" or "give it a chance" or anything... The guy could be fabulous, like the last one... I'd give anything to get the feeling back but it's gone. I can't help it.

I have never felt like an insecure person or felt like I had low self-esteem. I've always liked myself, who I am, my accomplishments... I'm pretty laid back and not too hard on myself. I've never cared what other people think, and I pretty much do things for myself and not for others. I don't "feel" like I'm unworthy of love... at least not consciously, although if I keep hurting guys I'll feel like a dating hazard! I want to be loved, of course, but I don't feel like I have any conscious insecurity or low self-esteem.

It feels like to me there's power levels in every relationship, and someone is always slightly more dominant. The less dominant person is probably a little more vulnerable, a little more insecure, and maybe trying to please their partner. In every relationship I've had, we may start out pretty darn equal, but either from me cooling down or him feeling stronger, I become the dominant one and I HATE it. Once I know I have the upper hand in a relationship I lose all interest forever.

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 12:58am

Your behavior "here today gone tomorrow" sounds very much like how guys behave in romance sometimes. For them it is all about a conquest and they are in love with the chase, the idea of the conquest.

"although if I keep hurting guys I'll feel like a dating hazard!" --- very true and you will get a reputation that spells hazard.

Since you are into power levels...then maybe you also see dating as a conquest or a chance to accumulate more power internally. Maybe you see a man as someone to reap a "high" from while you are working out the power arrangement. While someone may be dominant initially in a relationship the power definitely shifts back and forth throughout a relationship.

Have you thought about going to a counselor to find out why, when you feel you have the "upper hand" (see - power language) you lose interest? It really isnt' the upper hand that you have, you have someone's commitment to start a real relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 10:20am

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Why? what's wrong with being dominant if that is your natural tendency? I am also a more dominant woman - and for a lot of years, I 'tried' to be and do what seemed normal - the man was supposed to be teh one 'in charge' - as a result I became someone I didn't like - I wasn't me and the relationships went nowhere. Now, do not misunderstand - I don't necessarily call all hte shots, nor do I want to - but I do tend to be the more dominant personality. And my best relationships are with men who are also strong personalities but do not compete with me and allow me to set the tone and pace of things in general - its called a Female Led Relationship - and its actually quite common.

There is a balance here - you don't come across here as a submissive type, yet you aren't fully comfortable being 'in the lead'. I wasn't either for a long time because of societal POVs. I can walk over people who are too submissive and, yes, that is a turn off. But I also don't want someone to try to force me to be something I'm not.

There is a book called Venus on Top about women who are more dominant, more of natural leaders and their relationships. YOu might want to read it - it may shed some light on things.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 12:23pm

Another book in addition to the one that Toni suggested is "He's Scared, She's Scared".

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 1:10pm

Thanks for the insights... I wouldn't call myself "submissive" really either, and I do have a strong personality... I don't know, it's a certain feeling I get when guys put me on a pedestal... I'm not comfortable there. To use a really stupid analogy, if I'm going to be treated like a princess (ugh) I'd rather have a charming prince come sweep me off my feet than having my servants worship me. I might be a strong personality, but I'm not bossy, high-maintenance, demanding, etc. I hate that crap. When guys act a certain way that's how they make me feel... it makes me lose respect for them and it makes me frustrated that they don't understand that I don't need that kind of treatment.

Well, whatever it is it seems out of my control so I need some professional help. But thank you all for your insights, it helps a lot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 1:49pm

you sound much like me - pick up a copy of hte book I suggested and see what you think. you might see yourself in those pages.

The problem wiht being put on a pedastal is that you aren't being seen as a real person. I dated a man a few times a month or so ago - and he was just NICE - and no matter how unreasonable I was or what have you - he was always the same. ANd, as you said, I didn't hold him in as high esteem as I might have had he once said "Toni, you're being unreasonable or whatever". I have similar examples - but like all of us - I have my warts and they show occassionally, sometimes badly ;) - and when they do - I expect to be called for it. I don't like passiveness - because I'm not.

I don't want to be idolized - because I am human. I DO enjoy being pampered and 'taken care of' by the man in my life - but I want it real - with all the myriad of emotions that go along with relating to another. I can be pampered and adored without being idolized. I have boundaries that I expect others to adhere to to be in my life - I expect the man in my life to have some too - and will let me know when I've crossed one. Being on a pedastal makes it easy to ignor them - and it IS a burden that I don't want. He needs to tend to his boundaries just like I need to tend to mine.

I liken it to the dog that gets kicked all the time but still licks the hand of the one who abuses it. Even good people will treat you only as well as you require - so if you seem willing to lie down and let them walk on you - they will. And the end result is they end up not liking you for letting them walk on you or themselves for having done it.

We all need boundaries - teh men you are thinking of likely are so eager to please that they lose themselves in it - yes, yuck to me too.

When you don't have boundaries - you don't have respect.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 1:55pm
"I don't know, it's a certain feeling I get when guys put me on a pedestal... I'm not comfortable there. To use a really stupid analogy, if I'm going to be treated like a princess (ugh) I'd rather have a charming prince come sweep me off my feet than having my servants worship me." - ----I see now...you may feel you do not deserve to be treated the you deserve to be treated...and you may interact with men in a way that reinforces this feeling, thus remaining alone. This is very common among women. tonitoons is correct about self sabatoge in your case. How do you know that the guy is not a prince? He may be your "prince" if you choose to see things differently.