Pay up or lose him? In a predicament
Find a Conversation
Pay up or lose him? In a predicament
| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 4:59pm |
7 weeks ago I met an attractive man at the fitness club I go to. He asked me for a date and within the week we had become sexually involved and I had some lovely dates with him. I am living on my own in a European country with little work or friends and was lonely and had dated a string of losers and was overjoyed to meet an attractive man who was interested in me. He is also a foreigner here (but also a European) and said he didn't have that many friends, only a group of people from his own country who, like him, work here mainly as waiters.
He has been here for 4 years and in that time his marriage ended and his business collapsed when, he told me, his partner cheated him and syphoned off the restaurant profits to prop up his other failing businesses. So my boyfriend told me that the last two years had been horrible years for him and I'd met him at a low point in his life.
Lately, we have been seeing a lot less of each other because he is working nearly every night and in the day too (double shifts) and has finally paid off the debts his ex-business-partner left him with.
Not only have I been seeing less of him (although we get on well when we do meet), he says the age difference (I am 10 years older than he is) bothers him a lot. He is 35 and still wants to have kids one day as he didn't have any in his marriage. He comes from a conservative mediterannean background which is I suppose why he thinks like this. He says he wishes he didn't have this complex and feels that is the reason why he is not in love with me. He never gives me oral sex because he says you must be in love with the woman for anything so intimate although he always wants me to do oral sex on him and complained that at my age I should be a bit better in bed!
Also, it is always me who does the phoning which I rather resent. Despite this, when we do meet, he is loving and affectionate and I get on with him better than the cold men in this country. 2 or 3 weeks ago he said he was tired of working as a waiter with no capital and was heartbroken about his business and wanted to go back to his own country to start over. I said this would be a backward step especially as he lives in a poor, rather backward area of the country. He said at least he'd be his own person etc. He is always going on about this and not being controlled by anyone and accusing me of wanting to check up on him and control him. He said if he started any business again here it would be a pizza takeaway which could make profits faster with less overheads than a restaurant. I have savings and offered to use those to help him start a business. The idea of this for me, would be to make some money (although of course all businesses are a risk), and to keep me busy since I am so lonely and bored here with hardly any work. I said if we set up together he could make all the decisions and show me how to work there and I would do any jobs in the place he wanted.
To my dismay he rejected the idea out of hand. He said he would like my help, but only the financial part of it. He said if we were business partners we'd end up having rows all the time. He says he wants the money as a straight loan and for him to set up his own business. We are talking at least 30,000 Euros which is all my savings a lot of money to me and whatever form the business is in would be a risk. I have faith in him since he has 15 years in gastronomy and has a lot of good ideas and discussed the costs and expenditure in detail. But I want it to be 'our' business and not to just hand over the money, unsecured completely by any collateral etc and be left out in the cold with no rights at all to the business, no security apart from a simple letter of credit and shut away from involvement, again never seeing him at all. I offered my help to keep him in the country and see more of him, not to risk all my savings and not have any say in a venture that would be entirely funded by me.
He says he rejects any form of partnership as his ex-business-partner ripped him off, that I would be 'controlling' him and that he wants the loan as a straight loan with no strings or conditions or else the whole thing is off. Not only that, he makes it clear that if I renage on my 'promise' we won't see each other again.
I appreciate that I offered the money and he never asked me for help but I think he is being unreasonable. I trust him to make a go of the business but I want to be part of it. Sorry this is so long and complicated. What do I do?
He has been here for 4 years and in that time his marriage ended and his business collapsed when, he told me, his partner cheated him and syphoned off the restaurant profits to prop up his other failing businesses. So my boyfriend told me that the last two years had been horrible years for him and I'd met him at a low point in his life.
Lately, we have been seeing a lot less of each other because he is working nearly every night and in the day too (double shifts) and has finally paid off the debts his ex-business-partner left him with.
Not only have I been seeing less of him (although we get on well when we do meet), he says the age difference (I am 10 years older than he is) bothers him a lot. He is 35 and still wants to have kids one day as he didn't have any in his marriage. He comes from a conservative mediterannean background which is I suppose why he thinks like this. He says he wishes he didn't have this complex and feels that is the reason why he is not in love with me. He never gives me oral sex because he says you must be in love with the woman for anything so intimate although he always wants me to do oral sex on him and complained that at my age I should be a bit better in bed!
Also, it is always me who does the phoning which I rather resent. Despite this, when we do meet, he is loving and affectionate and I get on with him better than the cold men in this country. 2 or 3 weeks ago he said he was tired of working as a waiter with no capital and was heartbroken about his business and wanted to go back to his own country to start over. I said this would be a backward step especially as he lives in a poor, rather backward area of the country. He said at least he'd be his own person etc. He is always going on about this and not being controlled by anyone and accusing me of wanting to check up on him and control him. He said if he started any business again here it would be a pizza takeaway which could make profits faster with less overheads than a restaurant. I have savings and offered to use those to help him start a business. The idea of this for me, would be to make some money (although of course all businesses are a risk), and to keep me busy since I am so lonely and bored here with hardly any work. I said if we set up together he could make all the decisions and show me how to work there and I would do any jobs in the place he wanted.
To my dismay he rejected the idea out of hand. He said he would like my help, but only the financial part of it. He said if we were business partners we'd end up having rows all the time. He says he wants the money as a straight loan and for him to set up his own business. We are talking at least 30,000 Euros which is all my savings a lot of money to me and whatever form the business is in would be a risk. I have faith in him since he has 15 years in gastronomy and has a lot of good ideas and discussed the costs and expenditure in detail. But I want it to be 'our' business and not to just hand over the money, unsecured completely by any collateral etc and be left out in the cold with no rights at all to the business, no security apart from a simple letter of credit and shut away from involvement, again never seeing him at all. I offered my help to keep him in the country and see more of him, not to risk all my savings and not have any say in a venture that would be entirely funded by me.
He says he rejects any form of partnership as his ex-business-partner ripped him off, that I would be 'controlling' him and that he wants the loan as a straight loan with no strings or conditions or else the whole thing is off. Not only that, he makes it clear that if I renage on my 'promise' we won't see each other again.
I appreciate that I offered the money and he never asked me for help but I think he is being unreasonable. I trust him to make a go of the business but I want to be part of it. Sorry this is so long and complicated. What do I do?

Walk away.
Seriously.
Do not even THINK about lending him the money without being partners--actually I wouldn't even suggest that (being partners)--just end it.
I know you've had a lot of disappointments, and perhaps that has made you more flexible than you would be otherwise, but this is NOT a good situation.
Sheri
If you have savings with which to start something to delve into and become passionate about I think that is amazing. Why not do it on your own or with someone else - maybe a woman for example? Maybe you have seen a small business you admire already near where you are and you would like to help them expand and run a second shop for them somewhere else? This guy you wrote about is someone you dont have enough experience with. Would you ever ask someone to do what he is asking you to do for him? I doubt it. It would seem unreasonable to you because in fact, it is. He sees you as an excellent opportunity to get back on his feet but you have no real reason to think it would be more than that in the end and you dont have any experience working through things with him on a lesser level that doesnt involve your entire savings. If he really said to you that if you take your offer back you two will never see each other again, you know enough about his character to know how he felt about you. And the oral sex thing - this is disturbing. It really should go both ways and noone should be able to criticize what they think you should or should not know about sex. This is a sign of a control problem. So is the thing about you not getting to see him ever agin if you dont give him the loan. And for that matter so is the thing about him not being able to be in love with you because you cant give him children. Some women are turned on for some reason by a man who calls the shots but I would think twice if I were you. Maybe even three or four times.
Is your only value to him in the form of a pay check? How sad that he cant see your worth as a person. Dont you now fall into that trap and forget about that for yourself. You have savings with which to start something to call your own and be proud of. You should not only have a say in it and a piece of it but you should be able to shape it and it may give you the thing you lack right now in life which could be passion and focus. Sometimes life doesnt hand you those two in the form of a person. Once you feel those things about your life and your accomplishments maybe you will meet the man that deserves you.
Honey, you'd be a big fool to fall for his rip-off.
Come out of your fog, think what this man is saying to you. You are so much in lust, lonely, and feeling abandoned by everyone that you will take the crumbs of a con-artist.
Move on and don't look back, dear. Surely there are some nice guys who will provide you with companionship without any strings attached.
You are in such a vulnerable condition, that this man, who knows he can use you and take advantage of you, is seeking to take all you have and leave you with absolutely nothing, not even your pride or self-esteem. You deserve better, far better. Don't cheapen yourself. Respect yourself and love yourself. Good luck