paying

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
paying
3
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 9:07pm
Hi. I need some help. I have been on and off with my boyfriend for like 5-6 months..The problem is..he like never pays for me. In the beginning it was okay bc we would split or hed grab the tab once in a while. Now that we r official...and we r having sex for a while now..I dont understand. We got 2 slurpees today..and its like a buck something each..and like he went to pay first akwardly and he only said one..and then the guy behind the counter said oh r u together. hes like Oh I guess. it was like 2.56 and my BF asked if I had change. I said no so hes like oh i guess ill use another dollar. I know hes not broke. he always suggests fancy dinners he has nice clothes..and i saw where he lives..besides the fact that its a dollar. Im his first GF but come on what an idiot. So today for dinner we went to a casual strip..and we deicded to get 2 appetizers. We decided on a soup and i didnt say anything so he paid the 5 bucks for it and he said after, "Oh ull pay for the second part of dinner right?" im like oh ok..it was 6 bucks. The other day we went to a comedy club. He had class so he asked me to get the 37 dollar tickets combined on my credit card and I said ok. He said hed pay me back but he never said anything after that about paying me actually back. At the comedy club we had to order food and drinks bc they make u. It was 20 bucks and like the check came and he did nothing. After 10 mins im like why dont u pay for this and u dont have to pay me back or the tickets. I felt like he was like epxecting ME to pay..like im the girl..hes my boyfriend. Everytime he makes me pay for my part or doesnt take initiative like "I got it"" I feel cheap..I feel sad and depressed like I shouldnt be happy. I get distant and cold towards him and dont wanna hold his hand. I get upset and angry. I dont feel like I can bring this up w him w o it being akward. He paid for vday dinner but come on. like every SLURPEE..he makes no initiative to pay.. even a dollar. i hate this. I usually dont mind splitting stuff but EVERYTHINg and he puts it in my court its so akward. I dont even know if i wanna go out w him tonight to a party bc im so annoyed at his behavior today..i dont like going to dinneer or whatever w him bc the money and paying issue bothers me..help i like him but this bothers me so much . i cannot tell him..how can i hint it or make him realize?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tunatartar
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 10:41pm
Well, generally speaking, guys don't really get hints. If you hint around about this it will be easy for him to either not "get it" or pretend not to get it. When you communicate issues directly it's much easier to deal with them and make decisions based on the response you get. You should tell him what you want from him. Think about what exactly that is before you talk to him. If he makes no effort to please you, then he's just not a generous kind of guy. Is he giving in other ways? By that I mean, is he generous with his time, does he offer a helping hand when you or someone else needs it, etc.? If not, then you're dating a selfish guy, and he won't likely change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
In reply to: tunatartar
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 2:31am

I had a similar experience with a guy I was dating for about 6 months. We met through a friend and planned a date for Saturday. We talked on the phone about what we were going to do. We decided to go out to eat and discussed Fridays, Outback Steak House, Carrabbas, Pizzeria Uno and Romano's Macaroni Grill. All chain restaurants. Nothing expensive. So, I call him 15 minutes before we were to meet. He suggested Mc Donalds! I told him I didn't want to go to Mc Donald's. He said he was craving a Big Mac. I told him he can go there for lunch on Monday, but I want to go someplace that's better than McD's. Soooo we end up going to Fridays. I ordered beer and he ordered water. He tried to talk me out of wanting a beer "because he had beer back at his place". I said "what makes you think I'm coming back to your place?' He said, "Aw honey! Dontcha wanna come home with me?" I said, "eventually". He said "What's that supposed to mean?" I said I don't sleep with a guy I just met". Anyhooo the bill came. A whopping $35.00. and I paid the entire bill". That would've been our last date, but he repeatedly called me, aplogizing for his behavior. So we had several more dates (with me paying) and soon after, I fell into a 5 month rut of McDonald's and sex with this creep. I eventually woke up and smelled the coffee. I broke up with him.

Cheap dates make lousy boyfriends and terrible husbands (or life partners). This guy will always try to prevent you from spending YOUR money on yourself. Or worse, he'll try to force you spend your money on him! I've had many cheap boyfriends, so I know what is in store for anyone who dates a cheap guy. Their cheapness is a form of selfishness, but for some reason, no one equates cheapness with selfishness. People want to say that cheapness is a trait and make excueses for it. "Maybe he grew up poor. Maybe no one ever told him how to spend / save money. Maybe having a lot of money is equal to power in his eyes". Bull! Bottom line is, he's holding onto his cash, while you're spending yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: tunatartar
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:08am

Im unsure from your post how old you both are, so Im curious about that one??

Anyway, in todays world I see nothing wrong with each taking a turn paying. I have a 21 year old son, and his girlfriend and him do that quite often.

But this guy is really pushing it to the limit!! You feel bad about paying, and get cold afterwards, because by him paying you feel special to him. Also I think you know in your heart this guy is wrong, and maybe even wrong for you!

By my sons age, I think you can guess mine LOL, so Ive seen alot in life. Ive seen young women get sucked in by guys this way. Next thing you know they start asking to borrow money, until they bleed you so much you cant do anymore. Do yourself a favor and rethink this relationship. It needs to be a 50/50 thing in a relationship, not a 90/10 !

Maybe next time he suggests going out you could simply say: "Are you treating, Im a little tight this week", and see how he reacts.

Good Luck !!

Oh and just to add, my bf and I share costs alot. Im receiving alimony and child support, and hes paying it to his ex wife! LOL So at times hes tight for cash and I understand that. We actually go once a month to a certan hotel, just to be completely alone for an evening, and we have a pact that we alternate each month for the cost of the room. The girls at work heard me talking to him one day and said, they would never pay for a hotel room, to be with a guy. The guy needs to pay. Well I dont agree. We both have children to care for and mortgages and bills. And for a night of pleasure and alone time from the world its well worth the 80.00 a month to me!!!