paying for dates

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
paying for dates
32
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 8:20pm
Why is it that almost every guy I go out with refuses to let me pay for my half of the bill and sometimes even gets insulted by the idea even though I have a good job? In the beginning, I offer and even offer to treat the both of us sometimes if he pays a couple of times in a row. But eventually, I just let him pay in full because from experience, I know that he doesn't want me to pay. I don't want to come off as cheap or high maintenance and I sometimes feel like I owe the guy in some way because he's always paying. I thought that with the 21st Century, women are expected to be more independent and self-sufficient. I guess not.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ising101
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:22pm

Because that's part of the courtship process...it's not about money, independence or self-sufficiency.

Why not reciprocate by buying tickets to something, or making him dinner after you've been dating for a while?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: ising101
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:28am

You are not to pay for dates until the third or 4th date. This is why:

The idea is that dating a woman is a treat for a man. It is the man's job to make her feel special, much like a vendor treating a customer to lunch, the customer is not expected to pay. If you pay, the date ceases to be one person being delighted to be in the company of another and it turns into 2 coworkers having lunch and splitting the check. Also, the person who pays for the date has control of the date. Being even suggesting you want to pay, it takes away the specialness of the evening and signals that you are not romantically interested in you date.

Please quit doing this. Eventually you will have plenty of opportunity to make up the financially inequality when the two of you take a vacation together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: ising101
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:30am
BTW, of course you are high maintenance. All women worth their salt are high maintenance. Do you want him to think you are a doormat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: ising101
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 1:01pm
Believe me there are plenty of guys out there who welcome getting contributions from women.

but why not offer to cook dinner or maybe some time have concert tix - etc. the idea is to do things here and there so that you feel like you're contributing as well.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
In reply to: ising101
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 7:15pm
I think there is a lot of grey area between doormat and high maintenance. I don't want to come across as cheap or inconsiderate so I usually offer to pay my half but don't press when the guy refuses. I've dated guys for months and they still refused to let me pay for my half so it's not just in the beginning when this happens. I guess I understand the whole thing about the guy wanting you to feel that he's privileged to go out with you though I never saw it that way. I just thought it makes him feel more like a man when he pays. Thanks for the perspective though!


Edited 8/9/2005 7:18 pm ET ET by ising101
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
In reply to: ising101
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 8:20pm

Hi Ising,

I absolutely agree with the girls here and their advice to you about this.

I have a couple questions for you, too.... Where did you learn that you are *supposed* to pay for dates? Where did you learn that not paying is a negative thing against females? Who are the people who think this way?

Elyse

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
In reply to: ising101
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:45pm

well i have also always felt that the guy feels more like a man when he pays. they don't want to feel humiliated that they r takin money from a woman. i guess a guy's sense of self-worth comes in a way, from this. they feel more in control then. i know there are the guys who "don't mind" having the girl pay her share and wont push her, and there r others who will be pretty adamant about paying. yes, best way would be to "make up" for it through other means, so we don't always feel like the "takers". and it's always better to offer (even if we might eventually not pay) so they don't always feel like we are taking them (or their money) for granted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
In reply to: ising101
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 7:49pm
Sorry I didn't respond sooner but I haven't had a chance to visit the site since my last response. To answer your question, this is not something I learned but I had a long-term boyfriend who would split bills with me on a regular basis so I got used to that. When I went out into the dating world again, the reverse was happening so I was a bit confused about how to act on dates. Sometimes it seems like men throw their money at me or they talk about how much money they make so I feel like they think they could buy me. If I let them pay, I sort of feel like they expect something in return. Maybe that sounds strange. If I don't let them pay my half, at least I feel like there's no expectations. I hope that answers your question.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: ising101
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 10:48pm

If I like the guy I let them pay - if I don't like the guy I usually pay my half and get out of there... it's my way of showing I expect nothing and don't want to owe them anything either. I do find it uncomfortable at 3 or 4 dates with a guy I like though - I try to pay but it's awkward... I'd say let them pay until you don't find it awkward and you start paying when you initiate a date

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ising101
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 12:04am
I'll call it straight-up for you from a man's perspective.

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