Perturbing things 3 weeks on...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Perturbing things 3 weeks on...
4
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:21am
I've been seeing this guy (33) for the past 3 weeks or so.We've bonded quite well on all counts: mentally, emotionally & physically (I'm still keeping off having full intercourse).However there are some things perturbing me.

1.He is never punctual.Ok I've been late twice as well, but I always let him know I'm running late.He on the other hand doesn't realise time's flying by, and his '3more mins at the office & I'll be with you' tend to really mean 30mins.This thing happened yesterday (yes Sunday night) & I was feeling hurt, but then I calmed down putting it to he'd had a hard day (another car crashed into his whilst he was driving).

2.His love for his work.Actually I'm really pleased for him that he enjoys his work, but these last 3 weeks I've realised that he hasn't got any fixed office hours and spends even his weekends there.Initially when we started going out he said he was happy I had a busy lifestyle, cos he doesn't want a woman who's always home expecting him to call her.Thing is now this is sort of turning against me.I'd really like more of his attention without seeming desperate.

3.He always takes me to the same winebar/bistro, and I'm soon gonna feel as if I'm part of the furniture.Last night I suggested another place but he said it's too ordinary & doesn't feel at ease there.

4.He's always saying 'sorry' for things he does.This was getting frustrating so I told him that if I don't like anything he does I'd definitely tell him straight & plain about it.In fact I already told him I wanna go slow with making out.He agreed but said that he's always gone a bit too fast in the past.

These are the things that I'm analyzing most.Any advice how I can tackle the issues with him please? Thanks for your time. Jill
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:36am
It sounds like he works very hard and has an unpredictable schedule like me - I am not sure why you are surprised that he works on weekends and has an unpredictable schedule - that is my life to a T - right now my hours are fairly insane, sometimes they are normal or light but I am paid what I am paid to basically be on call 24/7 - that usually doesn't happen but I have agreed to be there weekends, nights, middle of the night, if necessary to get the job done. My schedule has really not interfered much with my serious relationships - since I started this career in 1994 I have had two long term relationships (several years each) and two 5 month serious relationships - and many many dates. It's a package deal - you like that he is ambitious and successful and probably makes a nice salary, well that is typically part of the deal - the crazy hours.

However, he should not be late without apologizing. Period. I rarely run late to meet people, am almost never late, and always call if there is any chance I'll be more than 5 minutes late and apologize. It also sounds like you are moving things way too fast - given your complaints why not wait several months before having intercourse and wait till you're exclusive? As far as where he takes you - here is what you do - get tickets to a concert or play that you think he would like and take him there for a change of scenery.

It sounds to me like you are on two different wavelengths for now - I typically don't last with men who do not understand unpredictable work schedules, but fortunately the men I have dated most seriously had the same schedule and career as me - made it a lot easier.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:31pm
You might have to accept his lateness as a part of *him*, because it's not likely to change, even for you. There are some people who are chronically late... that doesn't mean they SHOULD be, they just are. I am one of them. I am chronically 10 - 15 mins late EVERYWHERE (except work). So far, I haven't had any men dump me because of my tardiness, but they would be perfectly within their rights if they did. What most people seem to accept is that my tardiness is not a personal slight against them... it doesn't mean I don't care about them. It's my own time management problem. But it also helps that I apologize and try to make amends wherever I can.

But it's your choice. You can decide that you cannot deal with the lateness and you don't have to see him anymore. Or you can try some "coping" mechanisms, like my friend does. For instance, yesterday he was making dinner for me and he knows I am prone to be late. So he called and told me that dinner was "almost on the table." Well, of course I really hurried then. When I got to his house, he was just finishing cooking! I guess it was kind of tricky, but it worked.

As far as your friend's busy schedule, you have just begun dating, so I think it's a bit too early to start making demands on his time. You've got to keep yourself occupied during those times, as you should anyway. But if he's ALWAYS busy on the weekends and the weekends are the only time you really have to date, then you've got a real problem. Because that might mean that this is not a realistic relationship for you. You've got to be reasonably available to each other in order to date.

I hope that you will find a way to compromise with one another.. and that doesn't mean that YOU do all the adapting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 5:24pm

Alot of this sounds like communication problems. I think at the beginning of r/ships, we are reluctant to speak up about things b/c we don't feel we have established a place to that. Start establishing a dialogue about this stuff...if it scares him away, then he isn't the guy for you. Otherwise, you'll be compromising too much. For 1) I'd tell him that he's always late so next time he says "3 min", I'm showing up 30 min later. For 2) Realize that this is too new to upending your life over - and that he will have to slowly integrate you into his life. Ask him questions about how he prioritizes r/ship and etc to see if this will always be case...if you are worried about it. 3) Tell him clearly, "I would like to go somewhere else for a change."

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 5:19am
Dear girls, Thank you for your wise replies. I know I must try to be more assertive even though this thing is still at an early stage. Funnily enough I think he's realising the importance of communicating more & spending more time together so much so that we're meeting up tonight rather than wait till Wednesday.When I wrote the post I was just a bit irritated...things seem clearer now. Thanks again. Jill