The physical side of dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
The physical side of dating
12
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 1:33am

I'm in my late forties and just started dating again after divorce. I am worried about how much physical affection men want on dates. The men I date are all my age or older. I don't want them to think I'm a tramp but also not an ice queen.

I had my first date with one guy on Saturday. It wasn't really a date--a friend sort of fixed us up by asking us both to a party at her house and she asked him to pick me up because my daughter was taking my car to go out with her friends. The guy and I hit it off. Sparks were flying. We had a great time. When he brought me home he tried to kiss me. I pulled back because I had only met him. Did I make a mistake? I want him to call me, but I'm afraid he won't because I wouldn't kiss him.

I have a movie date for Saturday with another guy. It will be our second date. I will kiss him good night, but what else will he expect? I don't want to be necking at the movies like a teenager. I don't want to invite him into my apartment after the date either. Will that seem rude?

What is the formula nowadays? When is it okay to kiss your date? When is it okay to do a little more than kissing? How far does I need to go on the first or second date to show interest?

Mamie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 7:58am

oldmame...

Pianoguy doesn't think there's a "one size fits all" answer to your question. So here are his thoughts:

People who haven't dated for months (or years) are renewing an opportunity...and subsequently, they have to set their own pace...not to mention their own standards!

Assuming you're not teasing or leading any of the men you're currently dating on with all sorts of promises for lust and/or future sexual excitement, ONLY EXPRESS THE EMOTIONS THAT MAKE YOU COMFORTABLE DURING THE DATE.

If the men you're seeing are expecting more than you're willing to give...let them know that your only intention is to develop a VERY GOOD FRIENDSHIP first! If anything else happens down the road, it has to be mutually agreeable between you both.

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:38am

I'm not particularly comfortable with a kiss on the 1st or even the 2nd date, especially with men I've met online (which is how I meet nearly 100% of the men I date these days--I'm 47, btw).

How did you leave it with the guy who tried to kiss you? Did he express interest in another date? Did you let him know you had a great time and want to do it again? The reason I ask is because if you didn't reassure him, he might assume that you pulling back means you're not interested.

As for the other guy, who cares what he "expects"? You should only do what you feel comfortable with. Besides, if he's respectful and a gentleman, he won't "expect" anything more than a light kiss, anyway.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 2:05pm

What is comfortable for you? That should be your first concern.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:09pm

Pianoguy,

Yeah, I understand all that about following my own feelings. I'm asking what most guys would expect. When I was in college "everyone knew" that the girls who didn't kiss on the first date were frigid and the the girls who let the guys sleep with them on the first date were whores.

What are the rules now, for adults like me?

Mamie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:17pm

I was so surprised when he tried to kiss me! We had just met and it wasn't a real date or anything. I said "Whoa!" I didn't explain it. The whole thing was real uncomfortable.
He probably won't want to see me again.

I wish I knew what guys will expect because then I can decide ahead of time if I will do it or not, and if I decide I won't I can decide how to explain to the guy. Not like on my other "date."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:22pm

That's what I tell my teenage daughter.

I don't think I am going to start having sex real soon, but I would do it safely if I did.

I just want to figure out what the rules are nowadays for women my age. I thought we wouldn't be kissing like teenagers and stuff like that. Though I guess a couple of the mothers of my daughter's friends really act like teenagers.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:23pm

Can't you decide ahead of time what YOU are comfortable with, regardless of what they expect? You don't have to explain anything if you don't want to.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:00am

<< What are the rules now, for adults like me?>>

Ok, back in college you knew what to expect, what "category" a girl fell into by how far she'd go on a date.

That was then, this is now. In the "adults like me" world of dating ... unlike in college, the "rules" (not that I'm a big fan of the word "rules") revolve around these premises (among others, but I'll keep it simple):

a) mature adults, unlike college students (who are adults, of course, but not AS mature yet) don't have "categories" like "she's frigid" or "she's a whore." Because, mature adults don't place labels or categorize people into "this or that" ... so the "rules" are (or should be, perhaps I'm being idealistic, LOL!) about accepting the other person as an individual and not holding others to a higher standard than yourself. What that means is that, if a woman wants to sleep with a guy on the first date ... two mature adults would recognize this for what it is, and any guy who judges her for doing the same thing he just did is just that, a GUY ... not a man. A MAN wouldn't judge her for it.

b) Mature adult dating isn't about "what does he expect of me" ... it's about "what do I expect of me!" Do what is comfortable for you. Know your boundaries. Unlike dating in college, when it was "expected" to do certain things to please a guy, because "that's how I'll know he likes me." Nope. Doesn't work that way. (and actually, didn't work that way then ... though, we often thought that's how it worked, LOL) A guy who LIKES YOU isn't going to like you less if you don't want to kiss him on the first or second date. Though, a college guy would probably be put off by that, a MATURE man won't.

And if he is put off by that, again ... he's a guy, not a man.

c) State your expectations. It's not up to him to "just know" what you expect. It's up to you to know what you want and need, and take responsiblity for stating those things. A man will respect that, and respect you more for it. Men don't want to be held responsible for being mind-readers.

I hope that helps, some?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 5:07am

oldmame...

What rules are YOU looking for? PG is confused by your question.

Most mature people who choose to start dating again can't respond like they did in their teens or 20s. You're beginning a new friendship that may (or may not) go further?

If you're comfortable kissing someone on the first date...or even exchanging a long hug, then what's wrong with that? If you're uncomfortable displaying "instant affection" of this type....say "THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY EVENING" and then...get out of his car!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 11:25am

Thanks. I hate all this dating stuff. I don't know exactly what I want. I know I want to be fair to the other person, not raise expectations, be a tease.

When I was in college we said "do what you want to do" and "do what feels right." Very few people put the rules to words. The rules were there anyway. Most of us knew them. You'd figure them out because of the way people talked about the ones who slept around or the ones who didn't sleep around.

A friend of mine who was divorced around the age I'm right now, says she gave up dating at fifty because it was too much trouble. I can see her point.

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