playing games

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
playing games
47
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 4:49am
Ok, personally, I think playing games is childish and totally immature. I'm a really direct person. I just tell it like it is and act like it is. If I love you, that's how I'll act. If I'm pissed, you will know it. I think being direct is the best way to go because it will lessen misinterpretations and lessen DRAMA! Of which I am *not* a fan of, whatsoever!
My mom says that I shouldn't be so open to my boyfriend and that I should play hard-to-get sometimes. That I will come off as too easy, like I give in too much. I was like, how is that when I turned off my phone when he was acting like an ass? She was like, yah, but then you answered the phone the very next day. I think if I had ignored him for over a day, then *I'd* be the one acting like an ass! And when I turn off my phone, it's not me playing a game, it is me being pissed and not feeling like talking to him or anyone else, really.
Basically, I don't believe in games... in waiting x-amount of days before calling, etc. Why wait? If you like someone, call them the next day! Or later that day even! To me, it shows me that you are so interested in me, you can't stop thinking about me, etc.
What about you? Do you believe "games" or waiting to call or following x-protocol is necessary in certain situations?
xoxo,
~Halle~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 7:46am
I'm with you on the No Games thing. I've been talking with/spending time with (I don't want to say "seeing" at this point!) a guy for a couple months and while it started off really good and not at all confusing, now he's playing games and it's messing with my head about what he really wants. I don't have the patience for it because I've been hurt too much in the past and I don't need that again so I, like you, ignore him for a bit. Not to play in his stupid games but because I just don't feel like dealing with him at the time. If they like us, they should show us, and we'll do the same! But that's just me :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 8:18am
Aw, azure, I totally agree! :) So how has he been playing games lately? What is he doing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 10:53am

I think you should be who you are and do what works for you 'playing' anything is a fools errand and doesn't belong in adult relationships.

I think as long as you are being true to your self and your nature and openly communicateth others, your relationships will flourish and your conflicts will be more easily worked through.

I think 'sometimes' Mom's know best but sometimes they don't. Listen to what others have to say - and take what works and leave the rest - but ALWAYS do what works for you such that you are happy and content with how you interact with others.

I'm with you - no need for 2 people to be asses or to make the conflict worse. You can clearly communicate feelings without that created drama

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 12:14pm

I vote with you on "no games". But that doesn't mean that guys don't believe in games. Alot of times the games that guys play (they feel) ensure that the woman doesn't take them for granted or take advantage of them. So they give a little...and then they take it away. Their theory is to let the woman sweat it out a little so she doesn't complain so much or will be "trained" to be more pliable. Or they try to mess with our heads and self esteem so we can be just a touch insecure so they don't think of messing around on them or, again, take them for granted. The problem with their little tricks is that they amount to creating a relationship that lacks trust. If a guy admires women in front of their GF, he creates an aura around him that says that he is not to be trusted...not the intended message to the woman which he assumes is "there's more fish in the sea, so if you don't take good care of me...I'll survive so you better treat me good". When men give and then take back or create alot of drama (will he call? will he show up?) - again, it amounts to a lack of trust. If a guy purposely waits a few days before calling his desire is to not look like a lap dog, but the message that women receive is..."he's just not that into me" or "he's not thinking about me" and then that results in a woman putting up a wall to protect herself or creates a lack of interest in the man...unless the woman loves drama and feeds off of feeling insecure and untrusting towards the man.

Women play games too - being coy, fickle, teasing, using them for their money or their time and they do it to create a want or need for them in the guy and it is just a turn off...unless the guy loves a good power struggle.

The fact is that when it is "right" when both parties dont want to put on airs or create a feeling of disinterest or create a feeling of mistrust. True, men don't want to have to change and you know what? I don't want a guy who I have to do a complete makeover on either...too much work and too little to gain. If he is an oaf and creates an aura of mistrust around him with bravado, ogling, being callous and not taking my feelings into account before he starts winking at someone of the opposite sex or anything like that..then I KNOW he is not right for me. He could be right on many levels but if I can't trust him with my heart...then the rest of it doesn't matter. I know guys don't like receiving the treatment they give us (which are games)...so why do it to us?

But guys will always think "no" means "yes". This is dangerous on a lot of levels in terms of physical safety. But I have broken off with a number of guys who kept calling and trying to see me, at the time, I thought it was because they thought I was playing a game or hard to get, but now I see there is another part to it and it is being done to other women. When I say I never want to be in your company again, that is what I mean. And for me to say that you would have to do something pretty bad for me to just cut you off like that. I know people make mistakes and I know guys don't know how to speak to women or even attempt to learn our language, but come on already, enough with the games and always trying to make us cry over you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:52pm

Snaf, I hope they are not as calculated as I think you were saying in your post.. in terms of purposefully pulling back in terms of the whole will he call, will he show up thing?? That is cruel and maddening! God, if my guy were doing that on purpose, I'd dump him in a second! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 4:56pm

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some guys may do it - just like some women do.. People who do play games intnentionally are immature, insecure and not good partner choices at all. If you are emotionally balanced, people who play games are usually easy to spot, and when you see what's going on, you get out of hte situation.

I don't think men, or people in general, are as malicious as Snafu's post might seem. We all have the propensity to do unkind things - but being more emotionally centered and healthy makes it less likely that you will treat others unkindly or unfairly. I tend to think that by and large, people's own insecurity prompts them to pull back without necessarily having a thought that in doing so, the result will be this. I just don't see people being that intentionally cold and calculating - but that is my experience.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:21pm
It started off so good, we texted many times a day when we don't see each other, it was very straightforward because we both knew we liked each other. Then apparently he started testing me because he felt he initiated all the texting/calling. So since then I've started texting him first and half the time he doesn't make any effort to keep the conversation going! Other times, he's all "I miss you" or "When do I get to see you?" It messes with my head!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:29pm

That's messed up about the texts. I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes my guy is sooo attentive and then other times not. I FREAKING HATE IT. Because I feel like I am so consistent with the way I am. Why can't they be the same way???
Well, I'm an f-ing mess right now because I haven't heard from him. Argh, I suck. I tried calling him a few times but there wasn't any answer. If he is playing games with me, we are so done. Maybe he thinks I am crazy and I have blown it. Blah! I need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:52pm

It is impossible to maintain the 'all the time' connection that happens during the first coupleof weeks of infatuation that many young women (and some older ones) think MUST be there. this is a fact - people have a life, they had it before they met you and they have it now - just like when you move to a new place - the first month or so there is settling in and unpacking. And then once you do it - you get back into a routine - that is balanced in every area.

YOu are not his only priority and you are not the only thing that needs his attention or that he wants to give his attention to. this is what having a life means.

Men like to know that a woman is interested - and they judge that by the reciprocity - if you never pick up the phone to call him or suggest things, he may start to wonder 'does she really like me?" That said, always initiating contact, texting all the time, calling all the time, that is desperation and chasing him - you NEED him to contact you - mostly to reassure yourself he actually likes you. This is just like little kids asking are we there yet, every 5 minutes. Its tiring and smacks of insecurity.

And lastly - I know many peopel who HATE text messaging - and you want him to have a 'conversation' on it? HOn, that is just not realistic. Texts should be used as fill in here and there. Have a converstaion when there is something to really talk about. Wanting and needing him to alwaysanswer your calls and texts is you needing reassurance - and yes, that is tiresome to anyone. He is not the center of your world - he is not your source of happiness and he is not responsible for your security.

Relationships work best when the give and take between 2 people is like a tennis match - one hits the ball over the net and the other hits it back. You've gone from not returning his vollies to not allowing him to volly back.

CHILL OUT and stop making him the be-all end-all of your focus. He isn't. You had a life and friends before you met him - enjoy them.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:58pm
You're so right. I know this is azure's thread, but I really can relate to this advice also. Thank you. For me, I've just never had a long-distance thing. I'm young and never been apart from my mates really. I dunno, it is weird to me. I dunno how to deal. I think that's why I'm freaking out. Oh well :(

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