playing games now or just moody?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
playing games now or just moody?
10
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 4:20pm
In continuation (sorry!) of my 'can love grow?' thread, the person in question has been away for nearly 2 weeks now. Last Saturday, to my amazement, he sent me an affectionate sms asking if I'd forgotten him and that he'd like to see me on his return and hoped I was well. I didn't answer it and he tried to ring me..which really amazed me as I thought he'd just go away and forget me. My cellphone was switched off so I waited a couple of days and then rang him. To my dismay, he said 'oh hello' as if he wasn't very interested that I'd called him. It seemed at total odds to his affectionate message where he seemed to be missing me.
He asked me how I was, if I was dating anyone else (he seemed concerned about that which is strange considering he feels nothing for me he says) and if I'd made any business leads. I said I wasn't going to call him again and it was up to him to contact me. That was a few days ago and he is silent but he is flying back on Tuesday.
What do I make of this??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 4:54pm
I think that you really need to understand that this man does not love you, and does not care about you in any significant way. He probably sent the sms and asked about your dating life just to see if he could still reel you in because you are still of some use to him, at least business wise. He doesn't miss you - he still wants to use you, and to do that he has to keep you hooked on him (hence the seemingly affectionate message). You need to let go and stop all contact with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 6:03pm

Of course he's being friendly and curious as to whether you're dating other people.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 8:19pm

He wanted to gauge whether the hook was still in the fish. As soon as he saw it was you calling him, he knew it was, so there was no need for him to be nice to you.

I can't believe you're still having any contact with this guy, frankly.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 8:25am
Well, when he messaged so nicely I did think he'd seen the light and decided that I meant something to him and he was going to try to turn over a new leaf. But his response to me when I rang him told me otherwise.
If he was indeed a 'predator' as was suggested in an earlier message in my other thread, or a 'con-man', then he's not a very good one since usually these men are charming until they get the money from their victims. I think he is therefore more of an amateur opportunistic kind of con-man who is also conceited as he thinks everyone falls in love with him and as an older woman I should be grateful for him. Then he is the one being niaive I think.
We did have a brief chat and he sounded like he'd had a rough night and from what I can gather he's spending his holiday time eating and drinking a lot with his rough friends who live there and are probably mostly unemployed or in very low-skill jobs. He said how happy he is there and he has before threatened to go back there to live permanently but I know this part of the world and it is a beautiful tourist place but so much unemployment it exports a large percentage of its menfolk.
I would like to start a business venture but not with someone who is so moody and unreliable. He blames his moods on me but I have done absolutely nothing wrong. If he didn't like the frequent contact from me, ok, but if we had a business relationship then we'd by necessity have to have a lot more contact and see a lot more of each other.
If his attitude is so negative towards me that he would find this impossible it is better to know it now i think.
As I said before, you do not have to be in love with someone to treat them well. If that was so, we'd be fighting with everyone we saw!
Ok, I realise he feels inconvenient that we previously had a sexual relationship for a while but if he really means that he wants to be a friend then why can't he behave like one?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 11:09am

<<Ok, I realise he feels inconvenient that we previously had a sexual relationship for a while but if he really means that he wants to be a friend then why can't he behave like one? >>


SIGH..... Because he does NOT want to be your friend!!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 11:52am

Because he's a JERK, that's why!!!

Nothing good (for you) can come of continued contact with this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:40am

Sometimes it's easier to hang on to flattery and perceived affection, than it is to let go. In this case, I think you're reading too much into an SMS. He has made it clear that he is not in love with you. He has made it clear that if he thought he could love you that he would feel it right away. Most of the replies I've read have said "that he is using you for your money.." and it's not like we're psychics here... we're just normal people who are/have been in your shoes. We're not reading your mind... we're reading your posts! And your messages tell us (loud and clear) that this man is TROUBLE.

You KNOW the reality of the situation... you know how he really feels... because you wrote it down with your own two hands!

Please have the courage to stay away from this man for your emotional safety, sanity and financial stability.

This man is doing nothing more than to keep you on a hook. Sorry... but you already know this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:45pm
Well, i don't think he is flattering me..and his affection is only skin-deep.
He is flying home today (he told me the last time I spoke to him) and probably expects me to ring him on his return but I will not. As I've said before, he may not be in love with me but this does not excuse his previous boorish behaviour with me. He knew that he was behaving badly but he did not change and I cannot see him doing so. In addition, he is immature and even if all was well in our relationship and I started a business with him; I cannot see him conducting his business affairs in a reliable way in view of the way he seems to stop and start things. He is good at his table waiting because he has no responsibility and gets good tips from the women but I doubt he has what it takes to start his own business. He already tried it and failed with debts. I do not want to get involved in such a situation and as he does not want a relationship with me, cannot see what else we could have.
Men either say they want friendship as a dumping line or in order to keep in contact for other motives. He is obviously in the latter category since he has an agenda here. This is why he always asks me if I am dating anyone else since if I was, that would sabotage his plans. However, he would not cling on at all costs and even when his wife left him he told her 'ok, go then' and would not have her back so he can be very childish and cut off his nose to spite his face. He is also a bit silly since he said I could date other men if I wanted (so to take the romantic pressure off him) but if I do, I would clearly lose interest in the business plans. He did add though, that he hoped if we dated other people, we could stay friends and it wouldn't interrupt the business plans.
When I spoke to him on Friday he asked if I had any business leads and I am sure i will hear from him within the next few days since he still has an agenda. I do not think between Friday and now he found a business prospect in his own country (he has talked about this a lot but it was only to get me to try to get him to stay here) but if I become lukewarm about it he will of course start to make things up like he has been offered a golden opportunity and only came back because we are friends and he promised me first that we would do a business together and other such rubbish. Also he might make remarks about the women there and how he can find a young wife and try to get me worried. I know the way his mind works by now and he is sadly predictable. I do miss him; he is sexy, humorous and all the rest of things that men who are b**stards inevitably tend to be but you are all right; things can only finish badly with me and him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:39pm
Sorry to be so long-winded:) Also, if he is deciding to play games and leave it a while before contacting me (hoping I start to get worried and ring him) or has found someone else to do business with..then I won't hear from him. The bottom line is; he is unwilling to have any kind of relationship with me (this friendship thing is nonsense as he can't behave like a friend) which would interfere with any business plans since you need to get on well to be in frequent contact when doing business together, plus I have no faith in his business acumen so...yes...looks like the end of the road. It hurts though. I haven't had any kind of a 'boyfriend' for years..all guys who con me into bed and then dump me. I really thought we had something in the first month but it was not to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:44pm
In your other post you mentioned something about him "convincing you" to do something.

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