playing games

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
playing games
47
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 4:49am
Ok, personally, I think playing games is childish and totally immature. I'm a really direct person. I just tell it like it is and act like it is. If I love you, that's how I'll act. If I'm pissed, you will know it. I think being direct is the best way to go because it will lessen misinterpretations and lessen DRAMA! Of which I am *not* a fan of, whatsoever!
My mom says that I shouldn't be so open to my boyfriend and that I should play hard-to-get sometimes. That I will come off as too easy, like I give in too much. I was like, how is that when I turned off my phone when he was acting like an ass? She was like, yah, but then you answered the phone the very next day. I think if I had ignored him for over a day, then *I'd* be the one acting like an ass! And when I turn off my phone, it's not me playing a game, it is me being pissed and not feeling like talking to him or anyone else, really.
Basically, I don't believe in games... in waiting x-amount of days before calling, etc. Why wait? If you like someone, call them the next day! Or later that day even! To me, it shows me that you are so interested in me, you can't stop thinking about me, etc.
What about you? Do you believe "games" or waiting to call or following x-protocol is necessary in certain situations?
xoxo,
~Halle~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:21pm

You did touch upon something important - regardless of age, baggage is baggage and that is a terrific block to entering a new relationship. Sometimes I think men and women hold onto that baggage for dear life because it will block getting close to someone new.

I once had a conversation with a man on the phone who yammered on and on about his ex and how angry he was at her and, of course, he repelled me. He then mentioned that I didn't bad mouth my ex at that time. And I said "no, and I won't be discussing him with you." What an idiot. Nothing kills a potential romance more than someone going on and on about their ex, and how horrible he or she was. These people need a therapist, not a date. His baggage will last for decades. Who wants that in her life? She'll always have to pay for what his ex did to him.

What we always hear about is how women are looking for something more emotionally intimate than men. I'm sure there are men out there who would like to be in a monogamous relationship. And those men may not have any baggage or repressed hostility at the High School cheerleader who rejected him. However, more times than not, we meet men who are looking for sex without a commitment. This is nothing new. And it is not *always* because men are scared or angry or due any other type of neurotic issue - they just want sex. And unfortunately many are cowards and don't have the guts to tell women that they just really want someone to have fun with for a short period of time without any strings. But instead....they put women through bloody agony with "breaks" and "not sure about us" or "the ex called and I think I want her back" "I need space" or other cliche lines women hear these days which basically means "I've gotten my fill and now I'm fine for a while so I'd like 'out' now." . They pretend to want to be in a relationship so they can have regular sex for a while. And then they leave a mess of walking wounded in their wake wondering WTF!

What would be refreshing is for men to be able to say that is what they want and for women to exercise her right to choose whether or not she would like to be with this person. I know we talk about the "exclusivity" conversation and in all honesty, many times, not all, if a guy doesn't bring up the subject within about 3 months of dating there is something awry. A man that really wants you in his life doesn't want to take a chance that you could slip through his fingers and he'll make sure that you and everyone he knows knows that you are his GF. People predicted that AIDS and other STD's would change sexual behavior and it really hasn't because everyone thinks they are immune to danger.

Men don't realize that depending on how strong a woman's stomach or heart is will determine whether she can follow through with sex without commitment - it is not so easy for women. And women need to get off of their high horse and admit that they have done it and it is okay sometimes to do that. No one will call anyone a whore. But, since men will always be able to do it better - sometimes a woman walks away feeling like a whore instead of an equal partner in a pleasurable experience. Men can turn and walk away without a wince and feel just fine the next day. Depending on the woman and/or the partner, we all can do it too, but never as good as a guy. If the guy is honest and everything is on the up and up, after your fling - affair or vacation fling or whatever you want to call it- is over some men will actually call you to see if everything is okay with you. And you don't read into it because both of you have been honest with each other. Because generally you like each other, why make it unpleasant? Sometime things happen unexpectedly in life between people and who is to say that those situations couldn't blossom into something else one day, but don't bank on it and move on.

I'm not advocating that women should sleep with men without a commitment. All I am saying is to keep all of your senses wide open so you can spot one of those cowardly guys who pretends to want a relationship but his actions scream "casual sex" and "I don't want to answer to you for anything". We pay so much attention to the words they speak and sometimes try to force out of them because "we need to know". I have never brought up the conversation of "so what are we?" to the men who I have had more casual situations with because it was pretty evident by their actions what they wanted in their life at that time and it meshed with what I wanted from them. When men have been more serious about their intentions with me, their actions were pretty clear within one month's time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: halle2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:41pm

I agree with everything you said. I have had one of those casual relationships since my divorce and I don't feel guilty about it. It is over, but he and i are still friends.Like you said, there was no game there, we both knew what it was, sometimes we went out without sex, sometimes we went home together. We maintain a friendship of sorts when we run into each other it's like we are just old friends.

What blows me away with this current bf and trying to figure out if it is a game or genuine scaring, aka baggage, is we live in the same town, He works for the town and we are both well known. He has told everyone I'm his girlfriend, been out everywhere together, introduced me as such, had mothers day dinner with his mom and family, etc. Spent time with both our kids, spent Christmas eve/morning with him and his family, yadayada. This is what confused me the most about his reaction and outburst and hence dissaperance on me this week~ He showed signs of commitment, not just something casual. No bootie call type attitude.

I guess that is why it is hard for me to just say goodbye. Yes, he "ran away" before for a month. Not sure what is worth keeping anymore. I wish I could say he was just in it for something casual, but who the heck knows. I knew him during his divorce and he got beat up pretty badly and she ended up marring the guy she left him for.

FYI, since his email this afternoon, no further word or call from him tonight.

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 12:40am
Hi New Year! I would like to know why you stick with this guy. He seems to be yo-yoing you. Don't you feel you deserve better? My goodness, I am so nauseous...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: halle2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 8:21am

Hi Halle,
Yes, I'm nauseous too. I guess its a matter of heart over-ruling the mind right now. Some days I'm ready to be strong and move on, that's there's something better. Then there are moments, usually after sundown, when I remember all we have had and I want to see if he is for real and not just a player.

I guess it's denial that I've been played like this. He showed commitment signs over the last seven months, not games......until he pulls this stuff. yes, this is the second time he's done this, but worse this time around. I know his kids are very disgusted with him as well (they are in their 20's)

Thank you for hanging in there with me through this. I'm sorry if I've taken over your thread. It is a tough ride and will let you know how it "plays" out.

How did you make out with your guy? Has he contacted you again and what are you doing about it?

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 10:49am

You mentioned that you knew this guy during his divorce. Has his personality or character changed since then? If he were single back then would you have dated him?

All of us get scarred from hurt. But it has been 5 years...which is enough time to have healed from a divorce, unless he prevents himself from healing. In those cases people haven't accepted that their ex has moved on without them, their lives have completely changed and now they have to redefine their life and create a new one. When someone embraces the hurt and pain from a break up and doesn't let go of it - it is usually for a reason. Sometimes it is a way of not letting go of the ex or feeling some sort of strength or power in staying hurt from a break up...and it prevents them from getting close to someone else and getting hurt again. Only you would know where this guy mind is at.

This sounds like a difficult relationship to manage. The early stage of a relationship is when a couple has the most fun, not the most work. All relationships require work to keep things going well and to keep the romance or sex alive - and it shouldn't be bad work, but it does require an investment of time and energy.

If you are okay with the scenario you can ask him if he would like something a little more casual and see what he says...but he could stay the same way and then you would know if he is just screwed up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: halle2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 11:37am

Hi Snafu,
He seems to be the same guy. His yelling last weekend was totally out of character for the guy I have known. We actually thought about dating a few years back but both newly divorced at that time and knew it wouldn't be the right timing. Our friendship meant more. We kissed one night then talked about it. We never went out or had sex back then. We talked about that in October and both said how good it was we waited.

I think a few things going on in his screwed up mind now are His last just graduated highschool and this has brought more contact with the ex than usual. Also, his son just moved out to an upstairs apt he had built and his other son has a house in another town. Maybe going through what I've heard of as Empty Nest Syndrome? Now that his kids are grown he doesn't feel needed by them as much and all this stress may be causing a depression? The kids lived with him after the divorce so he has been parent and provider for them. I really hate to think this is some type of twisted game.

I don't know. I offered him a more casual/slow pace when we got back together after the one month split, but he said no, he was ready for the relationship. Guess he wasn't afterall. I'd put the slow pace back on the table as I have three teenagers and a life myself, but I honestly can't do "casual" with him, meaning it can be slow and casual but not "open". I need exclusivity because of my feelings for him. I am not strong enough to think he is having dinner or whatever with someone else. Guys night out, fine. Intimate candelite dinner, or sex no. At least I know my limitiations with this and what I can and can't accept. We talked about that too before we re-connected.

Only time will tell if he is for real or playing or just plain screwed up and needs help. I went to counseling so my mind is a bit clearer after the divorce. I think now unless he gets some therapy he will go in circles for the rest of his life.

I'll let you know if I ever hear from him!

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 4:11pm
I kind of look at that part of it a different way...if a man isn't calling or whatever, I think women want to complicate it a lot more than necessary. Maybe in some rare cases the guy is trying to gain power in the relationship, but I don't think it's usually calculated. Some guys call when they get time and have nothing else to do, some call when they want to make plans, and if a guy is really liking a girl, maybe he calls to tell her he's thinking about her or that he had fun on a date with her. I think if a guy isn't calling, usually it really is "he's just not that into you", whether he could be later, who knows? But I think it's rarely manipulation. As much as we want to think guys put as much thought into relationships as we do, it's just not true. Women think and feel, guys do. It's a fact of life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 4:23pm
It just doesn't seem balanced. If an entire relationship where you love each other is based on whether he does or does not call at a set time, how could you ever get through real life hardships that come with a long term relationship? It sounds like a fling, honestly, and not a fun one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 4:34pm
Wow! He seriously said "I wasn't going to let it go on too much longer"?! Thank God you didn't see him again! I wonder if there are women who respond well to that kind of stuff! Probably, but in the way that they get insecure and clingy and give the man all the power...just what they wanted huh! Yikes! Now that I think of it, I did encounter one guy like that. He and I worked together and he pursued me like crazy but at first I wasn't interested. Finally we went out one night and had a blast playing pool, kissed, everything was great. Then he didn't call. At all. But the thing is, we were friends from work! So I called him after a few days (not something I would do now, but I did) and left him a message. STILL no call! Then a week later I was at a friend's wedding party and he finally called. Of course I ignored it and then later at work he was like, "Why didn't you call me back? Were you BUSY?" being a jerk in a joking way, and I was like, "Yeah, I was actually, like when you didn't call me for a week," and then he gets on this sad mopey kick and goes on about "I was bummed about a bunch of stuff and didn't call anybody that week." Yikes...needless to say, he is in my past, and thank God for that! My guy now cheerfully emailed me the day after our first date to say he had fun and wanted us to go the beach that weekend. No big friggin' deal. Then called Saturday morning to make plans. That's what it looks like, ladies! If he's jerking you around, he's either a jerk or just doesn't care much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 4:54pm
Painfully and beautifully accurate....I love this. Women and men can both have sex and walk away, but men will always be able to do it better. This is something I have been trying to explain to some of my girlfriends...your wording is perfect. Hope I remember it!