Please advise??? Huge dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Please advise??? Huge dilemma
8
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 12:28am

My head is spinning. Have cried all evening. I spoke to him at length today and have a new decision to make. I really need some advise in this situation.

I am in love with this guy..and he likes me, however, he is unable to take things further with me. He was the one who had pursued me, but when I got serious about him, and expectations started coming in, he withdrew and said he was not ready to handle a relationship, and marriage is certainly not on the cards for another 2-3 years. I am 29, he is 26. Sometimes....in light of all this which is going on....I wonder if the reason is his age? Is 26 too young for a guy? Will he change when he is 30?

Whole of last month he had been telling me how he won't be able to commit and I should move on, and he can't ask me to wait. Today, he got "the parent angle" in and said he does not have the guts to stand up in front of his parents and tell 'em he likes a girl and wants to marry her. He says they are extremely conservative, and he might eventually marry someone of their choice. But when he saw my terrible condition today....I think something stirred in him and he said that okay, we could take it one day at a time. Actually, I have always been the one who kept telling him we should take one day at a time and not plan so much. He had said he rather plan and that he can't be with me, for whatever reasons (cant handle expectations, and now the parent angle). But today.....he gave in, and said "fine......we will take one day at a time". But as an addendum.....he said that nothing is guaranteed for "tomorrow" and that I should not blame him if ultimately......things happen the way he had predicted. i.e. him not being able to marry me.

So what should I do?????? I am in a fix!!!!
One day at a time....knowing that there *might* be no future (as in marriage) OR cut off ties with him altogether? What's egging me on....is that "no one has seen the future". Maybe tomorrow he might fall even deeper in love with me, and things will fall in place? Or maybe tomorrow....he might eventually be able to stand up to his parents and tell them he likes a girl?

I am mad about him. I love him....and I certainly wanna follow my heart. But at the same time, I cant stand the thought of him leaving me 2 years from now....saying he had warned me already that this day was coming. I am scared. He has left the decision in my hands.

He wouldn't have taken such a decision if he hadn't liked me. He does like me. But he is negative about marriage (almost negative). He is not the kind to take advantage of me. He is not a player. And he has always strived to not encourage me, coz he doesnt wanna hurt my feelings. But seeing my terrible condition today and how much I was pining for him (we are in two different states).....he softened a bit I think.

Please advise???

Thank you..............

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 4:32am

bnaka112...

Pianoguy knows that as badly as you (or I) might wish to be with another human being for life....(here comes the quote from Mick Jagger)...."You can't always get what you want!"

If you're interested in maintaining the friendship with this gentleman...WITH NO EXPECTATIONS...great! If marriage is what you're expecting...move in a different direction with someone else! The sting of failure will be present for a few days, but after that...you'll get beyond the disappointment!

There's always a risk involved with any couple! As often as you hear the vows: "Till Death Do Us Part"---just about everybody realizes that those words can't (and won't always) be "cut in stone?" A lot of adjustments, changes, and compromises are necessary over the course of ANY marriage. Some are good...some are lousy!

But you either accept the ENTIRE package (aka the other person) for whom he or she is...OR you try to find someone else who might be more sensitive and compatible to what your needs are? You owe the same courtesy to whomever you choose as well.

And as good as our intentions for 'a happily ever after' lifestyle might be...WE ALL SCREW UP occasionally!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 6:45am

I know how it feels to be in love with someone and to go through the pain of having it not returned. I think this guy is a coward for not being able to cut it clean with you and by using his parents as his shield. Granted he is a bit young, it's no excuse. I think the best thing to do (if you want to be in a serious relationship resulting in marriage and children), is fo you to maintain a distance friendship and see what things are like in a few years while dating other people. If he realizes he does love you, he will come back for you. Nobody should be persuading the other to be with him or her.

I agree that there is no guarantee in relationships. I am sure most people don't get married to think that they will get divorce in a few years or later on in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 5:45pm
I don't want to generalize, but 26 for a guy is usually way too young, especially if he feels this way himself. It is better to realize that the partner is not mature enough yet, than to have an unhappy marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 7:25pm

So sorry for you dear.

He isn't ready to take the responsibilities of marriage. It's that simple. If you want to wait, the choice is yours. The problem is, you take a chance, he might meet someone else whom he fancies more, then you would have wasted all those years.

If you are having sex with him, he probably wants that and your companionship.

You will be on pins and needles waiting and wanting.

In the old days, before women had sex before marriage, men married when they fell in love and married within the first year. Today, women give of themselves sex and all the comforts of marriage, so men are reluctance to marry.

I feel for you, but the only other thing you can do is to move on to a man who falls head over heels for you and wants to marry you.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:35am

I have read both of your posts and as much as this is not what you want to hear, everything that you say about this person's words and actions screams out 'not that into you' and 'stringing you along until the right one comes along'. I don't think it has anything to do with his age or the fact that he has never been in a relationship (he's very young after all). My opinion is - and it is based on years and years of hearing excuses of 'I'm not ready for committment', 'I cannot deal with a pressure of a relationship', 'I care about you a lot but now is not the right time' - you are simply not his ONE and he is being upfront and honest about it, he's not making any promises, so cannot really be blamed. He is simply saying, translated from man-speak: 'I am not into you all that much but we can have casual fun, take it or leave it'. I'd leave it if I were you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:43pm

I don't know what to say :(
I think I am being too weak. It does occur to me many a times that he is just not that much into me and that's the REAL reason. I have tried cutting it off with him, and started calling him again becoz these emotions for him are overwhelming. Sometimes I feel atleast I can be friends with him. I try, and I fail. I have been mad at him one day, and forgetting everything and being loving the next day. Sometimes I feel he perhaps DOES like me a lot, but is just Afraid to step in. His actions tell me he likes me very much, and does care a lot, but I don't see any romantic involvement. And I am perhaps also confused becoz he is quite a reserved and quiet person to begin with. So I feel, he perhaps does *feel* things, but maybe doesn't know how to express. Many guys are like that. But it hurts to feel he has been delaying coming to see me.....it has been 2-3 months since we last met. He says he does wanna come see me....he is just looking out for a cheap airline deal. So I am confused....because of all that he is, and all that I am seeing. I dont know anymore what's real, what's not, and whether I am justifying his actions becoz I want it to be that way. I wish he could just tell me on my face that I am not what he is looking for. That would end it. I hate these indirect signals.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:52am

Yeah...not gonna happen (him being upfront with you). He wants to at least keep you on the back burner just in case. It's up to you to end it if it's not what you're looking for.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 7:15am

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts. But please don't allow yourself to create excuses for him... this doesn't sound like someone who is "scared."

I'm sure he likes you and cares about you, but I don't think he's in love with you, nor does he feel you're The One. He's probably sticking around because he thinks it's more comfortable than being completely unattached. But very few (if any) men will ever come out and tell you that to your face.

But this man has already been more upfront than a lot of men would be. He actually told you not to wait around, at one point. I think that's what you need to focus on. You really don't want a guy in your life because he feels sorry for you, or because he just hasn't met anyone he likes better, do you?

He IS young, and his age could be a factor in why he isn't keen on marriage right now. But that doesn't answer why his FEELINGS for you aren't strong. Men of all ages string women along...and many women do the same.

I think you need to cut this off, as painful as that will be. You're only prolonging the pain by hanging on and hoping and fantasizing. Go ahead and start getting through it so you can start healing. Lean on friends and family for support, and you know you can always come here. We've all been there, dear.

Take care.