PLEASE DON'T PROPOSE!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
PLEASE DON'T PROPOSE!!!!!
8
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:42pm
I found out that my boyfriend of 2 years is planning to propose on my birthday. I know he has intended this to be a surprise for me and would be very upset with the third party who clued me in. HOWEVER, I am not at all ready to move forward! Although I do love him, when I think about him proposing I get small panic attacks trying to think of ways to say 'no' without losing him or embarrassing him. I don't want him spending money on a ring and talking to friends and family about it only to be rejected, so I don't feel like 'no' is an option if he goes through with it, even though inside I will be screaming "NO!!!!!!!!" Basically I am not willing to commit to him until I am more comfortable that we are in the same mindset - finances, life goals, my wanting/his not wanting children differences, etc... The problem is we have never really discussed the possibility of marriage and only briefly (disagreed) about eventually having children. I'd like to work all of these things out before the proposal, only logic says, "Don't bring up the topic of marriage or he'll dump you and run right out the door" so I'm STILL afraid to go there -- and I've even been clued in! What can I do to clue HIM in (before he proposes) that I am not ready for him to propose without directly letting him know that I know about his plans (thereby making him angry at my informant) - the hints are just not working! (The informant was uncomfortable with this job and declined.) OR should I just say 'yes' and not really make any plans to get married until I am more ready.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:53pm
This is one of those bitter-sweet moments. I would be greatful that my frined told me what was ahead. I think it would be in your best interest to talk about marriage before your birthday with your s/o. Of course you will have to be settle. Maybe you could watch one of those silly reality shows and make a comment about marriage. Maybe something to the affect like...."those two are crazy to get engaged, they aren't ready yet". That would probably turn into the discussion of you, him and marriage. I think it is really cool that you are being so upfront and honest that you are not ready to get married. Maybe he will appreciate the honesty as well.

Good Luck let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:07pm
You are trying to "step lightly" around a serious subject in the hope of not hurting anyone's feelings. Time to be a grownup. Deal with this directly and quickly. After all, you did nothing wrong.

Go to your BF and simply tell him you know what's up. If he's mad at the third party, so what. He'll get over it. Point is, marriage is too serious a subject for you two to be playing mind games. Tell him what you've told the board. He will eventually be relieved you saved him the embarrassment of a too early proposal, along with the cost of a ring and the hassle of returning it. Have a very frank and open discussion with him immediately. I'm wondering why you two didn't have this type of discussion earlier, and how you both got so off track. You two are clearly NOT on the same page about your relationship. But that's neither here nor there.

No, it won't be easy to confront him but it is ultimately the kindest way to handle this situation. He will respect your honesty and your guts. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 6:07pm

I agree with Thistle.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 6:37pm
Look - if you honestly believe that he's going to propose - accept something.

That in his mind there is "nothing to resolve". That either just as itis - provided nothing changes the relationship - is just fine with him. Or that he has a grand and totally unrealistic scheme that marriage is going to change you.

But you're being ridiculous...you don't want to lose him but you do'nt see eye to eye on finances, children, etc. etc.

Come on dear, he's not going to alter his values, his perception, his needs, his requirements of life - that require his efforts, expenditure, sacrifices, and self-discipline - just to have "you" in his life.

You in his life right now requires none of that - that is precisely why "you" in his life is what he's considering for a lifetime.

Simple.....start talking. Talk about the disparity in values, the lack of sharing of definitions of a great life and how to achieve it...he'll rethink proposing if he's intelligent.

And if you really care about him as a person, you'll make it very clear that there are huge issues to either compromise on by both of you to enormous extents...or else you two ought to go your separate ways to find people that value, prioritize, and want what each of you do out of life.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 7:24pm
Jilly and thistle gave you great advice on how to discuss it... the one thing I want to emphasize to you is that you cannot accept the proposal until those issues are worked out. Do not think you'll get engaged, work things out and then everything will be ok--I made that same mistake and it took a divorce to solve the mistake I made. So please, please, please listen to what they're saying and have that conversation ASAP.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 8:29pm
I agree with the others that you cannot accept a proposal/engagement without first hashing out all the important details you mention.

Think of marriage as a life sentence - it can be great - but only if you are both paddling in the same direction.

I was married 10 years and now divorced. It is better to thoroughly explore your thoughts on finances, children, family, etc. now - than to go through all of this and regret it later.

The piece of paper is not forever - but children are forever and that is too important to take lightly.

I admire your foresight. You are very smart.

I think you should bring up the topic of marriage now. I am not sure how - but I would look for a life situation to bring it up in conversation. Or like others here have mentioned - say you found out about his idea.

Keep us posted. And good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:07pm
Ever tried pre-marital counseling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:52pm

Don't say yes unless you mean yes.

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