please EVERYONE give me advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2005
please EVERYONE give me advice
10
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 10:04pm

I went to a 12 step Codependent's anonymous support group a couple of times. Literally only 3 or 4 meetings. The meetings are for people having problems in relationships. One night I went out to the diner with the group after. This was my first time. I was talking to a guy who sat next to me. I enjoyed the conversation. He seemed to have friendships with the other women there and mentioned emailing them while talking to them. I thought that we could become friends slowly and maybe down the road things might develop. I am a virgin and not had sex yet. Used to be a religious christian. I told him about a psychic I saw who was good that was advertised on the placemat. I then went to another meeting and left early but he walked me to my car and we talked briefly. The next meeting I didn't see him but I wrote my email in the book. I decided that I didn't like to talk in the meeting to strangers about personal things and that it might not be for me. This guy starts emailing me. I said I would like to go out sometime but not soon as I have had a break up with someone. I also assumed that we would see each other as friends as to get to know each other. Well then he emails me with a "I was hoping that something would happen between you and I" and mentions that it has been too long for him and alluding to sex. And he says he knows he sounds desparate but says but that's how I feel. It was really too forward for me and sounds like he was asking for sex outright. He said he wants someone who wants him! It was really offensive to me. It destroyed the feelings I was developing for him. I talked to him twice out, and a couple times by email. That is all the contact. He seems like a really nice good person but then all this sounded bad. Last night I was home and I started emailing him back and forth and this lasted an hour. Then he says to me that he saw the psychic who told him that (my descriptive features that is definitely me) would be good for me and he would have fun with me. and to wait two months. Then I felt really upset. He basically thought I am a sure thing. Meanwhile we are talking a little about how we grew up, a little and he is basically praising me for trying to grow. It sounded so canned. I have no feelings for him now. It wasn't what the psychic said to him that bothered me. I like the psychic. It is that he took it too seriously and didn't leave room for my freewill and that he told me this. He came across as arrogant to me. When I said I would like to go out sometime before but not soon, he said well it is good to build the trust thing by email. I thought trust thing? It was said too casually as if he assumed that trust would be build. It struck me all as odd then he told me what the psychic said to him. The thing is that I probably would have gone out with him at the time he thinks I will in the future if things had developed slowly. But now, I am just going to phase out contact slowly. He is hung up on someone too and told me this and says that I was helping him to forget her when we were emailing last night. I feel like he just wants a lay and that is offensive to me to imply that. There is someone else I am interested in too and I am getting myself ready with birthcontrol and related things. I am recently deconverted. But I considered this guy once and now I cannot. It's like we were talking about some things about how we grew up and he was encouraging me and then now it all seems like he is just encouraging me for sex. Like it is not honest relating at all. To take deep subjects and feel a twist on it that someone has other motives bothers me.

What do you think of how this other guy has sounded would that turn you off? I know in my heart that he would not treat all the other women at the Coda group this way. He has relationships with a lot of women as friends so what he said to me was really shocking and then to imply that we will get together in time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 11:45pm
I think that when things like the ones you've described make you uncomfortable, it's usually your gut warning you. And if it was me, those things would have made me uncomfortable and turned me off as well. I think this is when you should say, "Next" and forget him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 9:45am
You are right to feel uneasy about this guy. You have insticts for a reason, listen to them. Stay away from this guy and if he continues to go to your group, it may be necessary to find another group.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 1:22pm

<< I went to a 12 step Codependent's anonymous support group a couple of times. Literally only 3 or 4 meetings. The meetings are for people having problems in relationships.>>

You may want to visit the Codeps/Love Addicts board. There's a great group of gals over there!

As a recovered codependent, I'm inclined to encourage you to certainly continue attending; however, I'd also encourage you to reconsider the above as CoDA's purpose is not as simple as "for people who are having 'problems' in relationships." Couples counseling (and individual) is for people having problems in relationship. Therapy is about addressing problems. CoDA (or any support group) isn't about problems, it's about recovery. If it was about problems ... that would, in and of itself, make CoDA applicable to any and everyone who has or has ever had probs in relationships. And, it's not for everyone because not everyone is codependent. CoDA is about the relationship we have with ourselves, not about the problems we have 'in' relationships, it's about developing an honest, loving relationship with ourselves so that we can have honest, whole, loving relationships with others ... relationship that are NOT at our own expense, relationships that are NOT about need, relationships that are not addictive, compulsive, obsessive, dependent, caretaking-driven.

Just some food for thought.

<< I decided that I didn't like to talk in the meeting to strangers about personal things and that it might not be for me. >>

You don't have to speak or share in meetings. However, there is value in listening to what others have to share and learn from their experiences and see how it applies to you and what proactive steps you can take from what others have learned from their experiences. It might NOT be for you. The people in these meetings are not strangers. Sure, you don't know them, they don't know you ... that's the anonymous part ... but, the commonality is that EVERYONE there is there for a common purpose, which makes it one of the safest, most non-judgmental, accepting environments you will ever have the pleasure of experiencing. If you're open to it.

But, you might want to go to the Codeps board and share your story of why you're going to the meetings, and they'll help you determine of whether or not it's for you. SLAA might be more appropriate (love addicts).

Another suggestion: find a CoDA meeting that is a women's only group. That way, you eliminate the possiblity that you MIGHT align with someone else who's not healthy at a time when you NEED to focus on developing healthy relationship behaviors for yourself. That would be a positive approach. One that is very much in line with the principles of CoDA. If someone is stepping into your boundaries, crossing over your line, it's up to you and you alone to proactively disassociate with what you know is not good for you. If someone is offending you, and you KNOW that you are easily influenced by others and that you allow people to cross over your line, you disassociate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2005
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 12:34pm
No I'm not replying to me but everyone here who responded. Thanks for the input. I havent' contacted him since Saturday night. First I tolerated his desparateness as his own feelings but then when I saw he just assumed a relationship would happen between us and personal history talked about, trust built. It was in the tone, it honest to God looks like he looks to prey on the women there if they are vulnerable. I know that he does not talk like that to the other women there. The thing is this guy is using the meeting like a bar only selective in who he picks. Just to ask for sex practically outright after 3 short emails is like messed up to me. Do guys really think that saying your desparate to have sex and I hope something might happen between us after brief exchanges to someone who said I am hurting and vulnerable is really appropiate, or a turn on? I mean he is smart enough to know better. So I am just not going to contact him again or go there again either. I think there is a lot of sexual intrique going on there now that I think of it. I think this one woman likes him but he doesn't like her. I went to another meeting there and an older woman introduced me to an older man and the next meeting she wasn't there but on a trip and I talked to this older man. He really started to hit on me too. And he is a nice guy. Or was. I honestly do not get why I cannot talk to men there without them doing this to me and them to think its going to benefit them or them will get a response. It is like they show they don't respect me by doing this, if they did they would not do this to me right away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 2:31pm

<< I honestly do not get why I cannot talk to men there without them doing this to me and them to think its going to benefit them or them will get a response. It is like they show they don't respect me by doing this, if they did they would not do this to me right away.>>

Ah, passionate0758, I'm going to sum it up for you by saying that ... a lot of people who go to 12-step meetings have no CLUE as to why they are there ... many are there just because they think they should be there, but aren't sure why. If they keep going, they'll get a clue, but that clue can't be bought for a dollar on the street, if you kwim?

Codependent people have a lot of needs ... need to liked, need to be loved, need to be approved of, need to be accepted, need to be "worthy", need to be rescuers, need to be enablers ... the list goes on.

As for why there are "doing this to you" ... they aren't doing anything TO you, for you, in spite of you, or because of you ... they're doing it for their own need of acceptance, approval, worthiness, etc. Spend enough time in CoDA, and this will make sense. If it doesn't right now, don't worry about it. You'll get that "clue" in time if you keep going.

As for << The thing is this guy is using the meeting like a bar only selective in who he picks. Just to ask for sex practically outright after 3 short emails is like messed up to me. >>

Well, he very well may be a sex addict who is VERY well aware that, at CoDA meetings, he'll find women (or a woman) who seem vulnerable. Because, there sure as heck are a lot of vulnerable, confused, "preyable" people there.

If you want to continue going, my previous suggestion still stands: find a women's only group. Because, the purpose of going to the meetings is being squandered by the fact that you are receiving interference from external sources (the other guys). By not being able to focus on YOU ... instead, you're focused on this other crap, you are not going to get the purpose and the message that's being offered there. The focus needs to be on YOU, not them, for these meetings to work for you.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 2:57pm

I don't have experience with CoDA, specifically, but I am familiar with other 12-step meetings.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 3:24pm
women's only meetings are far away. I hear what you are saying and I agree pretty much with it. The thing is that this guy would not do this to other women there and since he can hide that from them because it was through email. If I tell him that he offended me on several levels he would tell others there and they would turn against me or snub me I believe. They wouldn't believe what he said and he'd twist it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 5:09pm

Trust your gut and stay away from this guy. And personally, I think he is taking advantage of your strong belief in the psychic. Trust me, I believe in it also and trust my Tarot cards to guide me but I think this guy is filling you with a load of BS about what the psychic said and probably even going at all thinking that you will think if she said it then it must come true. He sounds manipulative and smarmy to me.

Stay away from him and get help for your co-dependency either with this group while having nothing to do with him or from another source. It's important that you do that before getting involved too deeply with someone else. I have heard good things about the board here. It can help you while being very anonymous.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 11:00pm
Thank you. I believe him with what he said about the psychic. And I believe the psychic said what was true. I was interested in this guy and in two months I would of felt comfortable enough to see him but now since he has been "hitting on me" and assuming things like trust would be built calling it a thing at that. I use the word thing a lot too but not when it comes to trust. I'm a deeply introverted person and to assume I would be sharing my history bothers me. And I'm still a virgin only recently deconverted from christinaintiy and while the idea of having casual responsible sex with birth control and such does not bother me now anymore. There has to be care, respect, trust built naturally and no assuming that we will have sex either. And that is not there anymore with him. I was going to email him and say look there was a nice connection when we met I do like you some but you've been hitting on me and saying you are desparate for sex and hoping something will happen between us, assuming trust will be built and personal history and wounds shared and that's all upsetting to me. It's not normal, and I don't want to email you again. Also he has been hung up on another woman for years and years. I don't feel like I am really seen to be a serious person to him. I don't mind the idea of casual responsible sex but at least treat me with respect if I am not the only one you love. I don't feel that that is the case. I can't talk in the meeting easily with others either. I don't know the people and its really not for me. I've gotten value from the books I've read and will continue to get them. I am really really really hurting about the last relationship that never matured into a sexual thing. It started to and then I told him some of my personal history problems and he fell out of love. I "pine" for him all the time. I am not healed yet. My spirit is still "lost" out there going toward him still and I'm trying to fully draw it back within myself. I go into states of thinking how I felt when I was with him kissing him and some of the things we did and think how I want to build my life around his life and then wham really hits me and I think this guy is too critical for me maybe and also doesn't understand my priorities or have much faith in me. And even though I know this former guy does not understand me, my mind and spirit still reach out for him at times unconsciously and I get lost in the dream of what could have been between us and all his good qualities. I am not healed yet from that and I cannot start another relatonship. I told this guy that I go there for myself and then he starts "hitting on me". When I say that I mean it just sounded cheap. It was all said of course under the guise of "i'm being honest" but honestly is not the only virtue out there and that's one the things about the coda meetings I don't like. Complaining and whining can get pretty bad without any altering of perspective and yet its all under being honest. I like to get honest with my journal and with people one on one but not in a group of people I don't know and I thought about that before and I knew that and I still went. I did learn more about men and what really turns me off. The psychic was right on in my projections at that time though but since other factors have happened the future has been altered. And that is fine. Thanks for saying to stay away. He just emailed me now with a short "you there?" and though I'm on aol and so is he and he knows if and when I read messages I still read it thinking that maybe an apology might be in there when I open it up but not so. Yes, I'm quite proud of myself for not emailed this guy back nor contacting the former guy for a while. It may takes a couple of years to fully heal my life but it is better than trouble. Thanks for your input. I really really appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 9:40am

I believe you when you say that this guy has acted inappropriately to you.

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