please EVERYONE give me advice
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 10-30-2005 - 10:04pm |
I went to a 12 step Codependent's anonymous support group a couple of times. Literally only 3 or 4 meetings. The meetings are for people having problems in relationships. One night I went out to the diner with the group after. This was my first time. I was talking to a guy who sat next to me. I enjoyed the conversation. He seemed to have friendships with the other women there and mentioned emailing them while talking to them. I thought that we could become friends slowly and maybe down the road things might develop. I am a virgin and not had sex yet. Used to be a religious christian. I told him about a psychic I saw who was good that was advertised on the placemat. I then went to another meeting and left early but he walked me to my car and we talked briefly. The next meeting I didn't see him but I wrote my email in the book. I decided that I didn't like to talk in the meeting to strangers about personal things and that it might not be for me. This guy starts emailing me. I said I would like to go out sometime but not soon as I have had a break up with someone. I also assumed that we would see each other as friends as to get to know each other. Well then he emails me with a "I was hoping that something would happen between you and I" and mentions that it has been too long for him and alluding to sex. And he says he knows he sounds desparate but says but that's how I feel. It was really too forward for me and sounds like he was asking for sex outright. He said he wants someone who wants him! It was really offensive to me. It destroyed the feelings I was developing for him. I talked to him twice out, and a couple times by email. That is all the contact. He seems like a really nice good person but then all this sounded bad. Last night I was home and I started emailing him back and forth and this lasted an hour. Then he says to me that he saw the psychic who told him that (my descriptive features that is definitely me) would be good for me and he would have fun with me. and to wait two months. Then I felt really upset. He basically thought I am a sure thing. Meanwhile we are talking a little about how we grew up, a little and he is basically praising me for trying to grow. It sounded so canned. I have no feelings for him now. It wasn't what the psychic said to him that bothered me. I like the psychic. It is that he took it too seriously and didn't leave room for my freewill and that he told me this. He came across as arrogant to me. When I said I would like to go out sometime before but not soon, he said well it is good to build the trust thing by email. I thought trust thing? It was said too casually as if he assumed that trust would be build. It struck me all as odd then he told me what the psychic said to him. The thing is that I probably would have gone out with him at the time he thinks I will in the future if things had developed slowly. But now, I am just going to phase out contact slowly. He is hung up on someone too and told me this and says that I was helping him to forget her when we were emailing last night. I feel like he just wants a lay and that is offensive to me to imply that. There is someone else I am interested in too and I am getting myself ready with birthcontrol and related things. I am recently deconverted. But I considered this guy once and now I cannot. It's like we were talking about some things about how we grew up and he was encouraging me and then now it all seems like he is just encouraging me for sex. Like it is not honest relating at all. To take deep subjects and feel a twist on it that someone has other motives bothers me.
What do you think of how this other guy has sounded would that turn you off? I know in my heart that he would not treat all the other women at the Coda group this way. He has relationships with a lot of women as friends so what he said to me was really shocking and then to imply that we will get together in time.

<< I went to a 12 step Codependent's anonymous support group a couple of times. Literally only 3 or 4 meetings. The meetings are for people having problems in relationships.>>
You may want to visit the Codeps/Love Addicts board. There's a great group of gals over there!
As a recovered codependent, I'm inclined to encourage you to certainly continue attending; however, I'd also encourage you to reconsider the above as CoDA's purpose is not as simple as "for people who are having 'problems' in relationships." Couples counseling (and individual) is for people having problems in relationship. Therapy is about addressing problems. CoDA (or any support group) isn't about problems, it's about recovery. If it was about problems ... that would, in and of itself, make CoDA applicable to any and everyone who has or has ever had probs in relationships. And, it's not for everyone because not everyone is codependent. CoDA is about the relationship we have with ourselves, not about the problems we have 'in' relationships, it's about developing an honest, loving relationship with ourselves so that we can have honest, whole, loving relationships with others ... relationship that are NOT at our own expense, relationships that are NOT about need, relationships that are not addictive, compulsive, obsessive, dependent, caretaking-driven.
Just some food for thought.
<< I decided that I didn't like to talk in the meeting to strangers about personal things and that it might not be for me. >>
You don't have to speak or share in meetings. However, there is value in listening to what others have to share and learn from their experiences and see how it applies to you and what proactive steps you can take from what others have learned from their experiences. It might NOT be for you. The people in these meetings are not strangers. Sure, you don't know them, they don't know you ... that's the anonymous part ... but, the commonality is that EVERYONE there is there for a common purpose, which makes it one of the safest, most non-judgmental, accepting environments you will ever have the pleasure of experiencing. If you're open to it.
But, you might want to go to the Codeps board and share your story of why you're going to the meetings, and they'll help you determine of whether or not it's for you. SLAA might be more appropriate (love addicts).
Another suggestion: find a CoDA meeting that is a women's only group. That way, you eliminate the possiblity that you MIGHT align with someone else who's not healthy at a time when you NEED to focus on developing healthy relationship behaviors for yourself. That would be a positive approach. One that is very much in line with the principles of CoDA. If someone is stepping into your boundaries, crossing over your line, it's up to you and you alone to proactively disassociate with what you know is not good for you. If someone is offending you, and you KNOW that you are easily influenced by others and that you allow people to cross over your line, you disassociate.
<< I honestly do not get why I cannot talk to men there without them doing this to me and them to think its going to benefit them or them will get a response. It is like they show they don't respect me by doing this, if they did they would not do this to me right away.>>
Ah, passionate0758, I'm going to sum it up for you by saying that ... a lot of people who go to 12-step meetings have no CLUE as to why they are there ... many are there just because they think they should be there, but aren't sure why. If they keep going, they'll get a clue, but that clue can't be bought for a dollar on the street, if you kwim?
Codependent people have a lot of needs ... need to liked, need to be loved, need to be approved of, need to be accepted, need to be "worthy", need to be rescuers, need to be enablers ... the list goes on.
As for why there are "doing this to you" ... they aren't doing anything TO you, for you, in spite of you, or because of you ... they're doing it for their own need of acceptance, approval, worthiness, etc. Spend enough time in CoDA, and this will make sense. If it doesn't right now, don't worry about it. You'll get that "clue" in time if you keep going.
As for << The thing is this guy is using the meeting like a bar only selective in who he picks. Just to ask for sex practically outright after 3 short emails is like messed up to me. >>
Well, he very well may be a sex addict who is VERY well aware that, at CoDA meetings, he'll find women (or a woman) who seem vulnerable. Because, there sure as heck are a lot of vulnerable, confused, "preyable" people there.
If you want to continue going, my previous suggestion still stands: find a women's only group. Because, the purpose of going to the meetings is being squandered by the fact that you are receiving interference from external sources (the other guys). By not being able to focus on YOU ... instead, you're focused on this other crap, you are not going to get the purpose and the message that's being offered there. The focus needs to be on YOU, not them, for these meetings to work for you.
Good luck.
I don't have experience with CoDA, specifically, but I am familiar with other 12-step meetings.
Start
Trust your gut and stay away from this guy. And personally, I think he is taking advantage of your strong belief in the psychic. Trust me, I believe in it also and trust my Tarot cards to guide me but I think this guy is filling you with a load of BS about what the psychic said and probably even going at all thinking that you will think if she said it then it must come true. He sounds manipulative and smarmy to me.
Stay away from him and get help for your co-dependency either with this group while having nothing to do with him or from another source. It's important that you do that before getting involved too deeply with someone else. I have heard good things about the board here. It can help you while being very anonymous.
I believe you when you say that this guy has acted inappropriately to you.
Start