PLEASE HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
PLEASE HELP
10
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 10:43am
Ok i have been on and off again with my ex bf for 5 years. We broke up due to circumstances of a hurricane. He would always say he didnt know what he wanted but he knew he loved me. Ok its been months, his best friend is the middle man it seems now. Well now he is dating, usually i do. BUt he tells his family he still loves me alot but he cant talk to me or see me because he wants to see if this can work with her? Now he is the one who told me 6 weeks ago he wanted to be friends right now. He also said if i pushed us he would want us and right now he just wants to be friends. I am 29, he is 33 he is dating a 20 yr old. Please help me. I have stopped calling and texting him. I told him two weeks ago on text and vm, his silence shows he still wants me. No reply of course. Everyone says he is scared of us, its more love then he has ever felt for anyone, this i know, he always told me i treated him better and loved him more then anyone. PLEASE HELP
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cherry0125
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 12:17pm

cherry0125...

How do you like the idea of being someone's 'security blanket?' PG definitely puts you in that category.

TALK IS CHEAP!

So no matter what he's telling his family....there's obviously a contradiction in communication? Especially when you consider the 20-year old woman that your EX is currently dating!

If you like the idea of "coming in 2nd" to another woman...you can always "HOLD ON FOR ONE DAY" (quoting the hit song by Wilson Phillips here)! But if the man you're in love with can jump into bed with one 20-year old...what makes you think he CAN'T repeat the process (with another 20-year old) again...and again...and again...?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: cherry0125
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 12:22pm
ok, I get you here. But there is so much more to the story then i say. I mean yes we arent together and i told him if you think that the grass is greenier, go for it. Ok fine. He is the one who said lets me friends and he is the one who it hurts to talk to me or see me. Now his best friend and i are close, this guy calls me everyday and i see him at teh bar on weekends.He told me my so, knows he still has me. Now after 5 years i know he loves me and he isnt sure of what who knows. He feels lots of guilt for things that have happened when it was something he could have prevented. I mean in my heart it still beats for him.I know his does for me or he wouldnt be telling his parents he still loves me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cherry0125
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 12:54pm

cherry0125...

PG thinks anybody can be "guilty" over a past behavior....but whether he (or she) wants to HONESTLY RECOGNIZE THE SCREW-UP and APOLOGIZE FOR IT....is another story entirely!

A person can't "prevent" events that have already happened.

He (or she) can only SAFEGUARD HIM (OR HER)SELF and BE AWARE OF THEIR WORDS & ACTIONS before the same 'screw-up' occurs a 2nd or a 3rd time?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
In reply to: cherry0125
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:08pm

this is true. Once mistakes are made, they become past. And People do try to safeguard themselves from making the same mistakes all over again. However, it sometimes takes making the same mistakes over and over again for the lesson to finally click. That's the hard part for someone in Cherry's shoes. Because she still does love him she doesn't want to see him make the mistakes she's made or even possibly see him keep making his own mistakes over and over. When your heart has been with someone for that long, it hurts to see them hurting and making really bad decisions. Cuz we all know when a person hurts for whatever reason, they tend to make some really bad decisions they normally wouldn't make.

Just My Opinion

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: cherry0125
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:12pm
Thank you. I am just so sick of this game and i wish he would talk like a normal man. Ok fine if you dont want me say it. His friends tell me to be patient. WHICH IS A GOOD OR BAD TO STILL BE IN CONTACT WITH THE FRIENDS?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cherry0125
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:22pm

cherry0125...

First...PG agrees with Angel's comments. Sometimes it takes a batter "several strike-outs" before his (or her) style starts to improve? The same can be said when it comes to making the same mistakes again and again! Some people have to go through the same unsuccessful process over and over again UNTIL THEY WAKE UP & REALIZE IT'LL NEVER WORK!

Just out of curiosity...do the words his friends tell you ("BE PATIENT") matter more than getting a response and some form of reassurance from the 'actual source' himself?

To quote a pop hit from the group: Fleetwood Mac..."you gotta go your own way!"

So why not live your life without expecting anything from the man you're convinced LOVES YOU LIKE CRAZY! You might avoid another heartbreak if you do this instead of getting even more frustrated than you already are?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: cherry0125
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:25pm
I get you, i mean i trust what his friends and family say. He has always had someone in the middle with us. When i dont call he calls his sister who is my friend, to see if i am mad. But his bf i hangout with at teh bar and he runs back and tells him i am still waiting. BUt in away i am and not at the same time. I dont want to start another relationship, so if that makes me bad or waiting then i am. I do love him and people say follow your gut, i do and it tells me he is doing this to test waters. He has not dated anyone other then me in years. I have been told i am the only women who never fu-kd him over or cheated on him or used him for money. He is scared of being happy. This i know and he has said it to me before. He chooses friends but yet it hurts him worse then me to see ortalk to me. I can do that because it would let me move on. But he cant see me or talk to me because he still loves me. That says something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
In reply to: cherry0125
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:54pm

ok, the gut says he is testing the waters. So then let him date her and make any and all mistakes by himself, in other words take the advise your gut is telling you and let him test the waters. If by then you find that you still have true love feelings for him and he really has them for you then you two will be together. There isn't a time frame on this. In the meantime, take what "his friends" say with a grain of salt. Only listen to what He himself tells you. If he tells you nothing via words or txt or anything then wether you want to or not, I say try dating someone else yourself. If anything it will give you new friends, companionship, and who knows it may even send him a message (non verbal of course) that what is good for him (includes dating other people) is just as good for you.

Men want what they can't have. Don't stand around for him. You have a life to. If he figures out that he truely truely does want to be with you he'll come to you. Don't give him the benefit of being his puppet though. You deserve respect not some flimsy string.

Angel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
In reply to: cherry0125
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 4:24pm

I don't understand...you said he is dating another girl, and "wants to see if it will work with her" but he "can't contact you because it hurts"

Okay, well...

See, if he wanted to be with you, not testing the waters, then he would be with you, wouldn't he? If he needed time to be single and dating around, why not just a breakup? And I am not sure how to interpret the "not contacting because it hurts..." usually that happens with a breakup when you're trying to GET OVER someone, not because you still love them.

I think you need to stop listening to the friends/family, too. Maybe they want to see you with him because you're an awesome person and they hope he'll wake up and realize it...but...he's NOT TREATING YOU WELL. Don't you deserve to be happy, not waiting around for him to decide whether or not he wants you? Please, stop waiting for him to make up his mind while you rot. If you let him, there's a chance he could string you along like this for years. As for his being scared of what you have...well...do you *really* want to be with someone who runs away whenever he's feeling too emotional?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
In reply to: cherry0125
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:28pm

Pianoguy is wise, I would pay attention to his posts here...

On a personal note, been there, done that. It took a few years of hindsight to realize what a good (not mutual friend said to me)...how strong was the relationship in the first place if there have always been friends/family acting as "middlemen" for it? (in good times & in bad)...

Personally, I would chalk this one up to it was fun while it lasted and move on..maybe in time (a long time) you can actually reach the friend level. I have rarely seen that work without an initial cool off/no contact phase.