Please help explain this behavior!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Please help explain this behavior!
6
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:07pm
My ex has been coming back into my life on and off, even without sex. (There were trust issues in our relationship.) Three months ago I told him that I needed time away from him because I still had feelings for him. I told him I would call him when I was over it all.

Six weeks later, he calls to see how I'm doing. I reminded him of what I had asked and he said he just wanted to check up on me. Well since then (been about a month) we've been talking every day. I've told him I miss him, he's said the same. He's come to my job to visit and come by my house. He beams when he sees me.

But here's where I'm confused... I've asked him to go out for lunch or something similar and he hasn't taken me up on the offer. I asked him what the attraction is, what keeps bringing him back and at first he said he doesn't know but then I pushed and he said he didn't want to talk about it.

My heart would still love to be with him but I don't see it happening. But what I can't understand is why he keeps calling every day if he just wants to be friends? He's not the type to keep constant contact with friends so this behavior is confusing me.

Can anyone help me decipher things? Thanks.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:46pm

Here's a cut and paste of my answer to this type of question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:55pm
Makes sense, thank you. So even though he says he misses me and that he still loves me, it doesn't mean that he wants to be with me. Am I getting that right?

And why call every day when he's not an everyday person? Thanks tonnes for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:25pm
It sounds to me like a classic case of, " I don't know what I want from you, but I'm determined to keep you in my life until I figure it out." While he may have feelings for you still, they don't mean anything if he's not willing to pursue them regardless of the reason. Period.

If I were you, I'd tell him that he can call you only when he's ready to say what's been on his mind. You don't have to deal with his wishy-washyness. You deserve better than the lukewarm sentiment he's giving you. You have to make the decision to accept no less, though. And tell him so. I'm not sure which is harder, making that call or living up to it.

I know how you feel. I am going through something similar right now. Be strong. even though it's hard as hell when you still feel something and you're pretty sure he does, too.

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:29pm
I forgot to ask who ended the relationship... that might also make a difference.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:30pm
Just to post something here to your post. I am in the same exact boat right now. My boyfriend and I broke up last summer he left me for some girl weirdly her name was Alicia, that he met in a bowling league he was in. He moved in with her, they were together for I guess a lil over a month. We were broken up for something like 2 months maybe a lil more. We got back together. Things were great. Then he started acting all shady around me. I left him. We are still talking practically everyday. We wanted to try to be friends because we are sposed to go on vacation this summer together. So we wanted to keep in contact with each other to see how we can work this whole vacation thing out cause both of us wanna go. Neither of us wanna give our place up. I still love him and care about him. But he doesnt see that im hurting and want more then a friendship with him but its kind of like I dont wanna allow myself to. I have trust issues with him majorly. I guess I always had them but never wanted to face the fact. I finally came to agreement with the fact that I do have this issue. I am only 20 years old. I spent 4 and a half years with him. He is my first love. I bowl with him in a league. So I have to see him at bowling.

What you and I both need to do is to tell him that you can't talk to him right now. He should allow you your space. Tell him if you ever meant anything to him he would respect your decision. And that you would call him when you are ready to talk to him.

He obviously has issues being seen in public with you. Maybe he will get seen by someone. Thats what my ex is doing to me. He wants to come see me, to talk to me, But he only wants to sit in my house when he comes over? I dont understand myself.

He is always calling me talkin to me and telling me he will call me back and I don't hear from him till later the next day.

I think I realize what it is that I have to do.... hope you do too! Let us know what happens.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:49pm

Yes.