Please help! Going insaine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Please help! Going insaine.
4
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 4:19am
So, in a nutshell I was with this guy for about almost two years now. He's broken up with me about three times I know this sounds ridiculous but, he's grown up with a messed up family and I didn't want to be the one more person that walked out of his life. He's a great guy and I truely love him so much! He would break up with me about every six months saying that a relationship is not what he needed in his life and that he didn't want to be responsible for hurting me. The last time that I took him back I said that this was it and that I would give him one more chance and that he needed to seek help for himself to deal with things he had been through. He never went of course but told me he would and would do anything for us to be together again.

Well this time something else has happend in his family and has come up with the conclusion that he is unhappy because of our relationship. This coming from a guy who a week ago was talking to me about how happy he was that I was in his life and wouldn't know what to do without me, and talking about getting married having kids ect.....

I told him that I couldn't believe him and that I felt sorry for him, that he keeps doing this ect....

This is so unreal to me and I can't help but feeling so hurt and betrayed. How can somebody that claims they love you so much keep doing this? I mean what? Is he going to come back and think that we are going to do this again for the 4th or 5th time. This is all too much and I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I failed at trying to help him, or wondering what it is that isn't good enough about me that he has to leave all the time because he loves me so much. I don't know? please help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 1:24pm
You yourself said that he must get some profesional help in order for this relationship to continue. If he is to take you seriously then you need to stick by your word. This guy sounds like he needs some objective therapy. He may love you, but he may not have the energy and emotional health to feed your relationship. Allow him time to get it together and seek help. He sounds like he is high emotional maintenance. Is this what you really want to continue on with in your relationship? YOU will not fix him, he needs professional help. You desrve an emotionally healthy relationship. So stick to your plan. Your emotional happiness and health has to come from within not from your signficant other. So give him space and see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 2:07pm
Its not your job to "try and help" someone who doesn't want help. If he did want it, he would seek out counselling. But as long as you are going to be there to pick up the pieces, what is his incentive?

Don't justify his behaviour with his past. The past is the past and he has to learn to let it go. For him to bring into the r/ship, to expect more from you than he can give bc of it is UNFAIR.

As long as you are with an emotionally unhealthy man, you will be in an emotionally unhealthy r/ship.

I wish I could write something more positive, sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 3:49pm
Walk away. He will come back the 4th and 5th and 6th time because you allowed it the 2nd and 3rd time. You don't need to help him with anything. It is not your job to save him. It's not your responsibility to fix him. He has been able to tell you what you want to hear and you have let him come back and go through the whole cycle again. He does not want help, he wants to be able to do as he pleases and you have let him.

I speak from experience having spent 5 years- yes 5! trying to help someone. You cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. We even went to counselling and it did nothing. He told the councellor what she wanted to hear, promised me what I wanted to hear and did nothing to change. This man has a drinking and drug problem (drug problem I found out about after we had our son). 3 years after leaving him he still is the same, and now I have to deal with him because we do have a son together.

They tell you what you want to hear. That's it. You put up with thier behaviour because you believe that you owe it to them to be there. NOT SO!!! You can walk away and not feel guilty. You need to think about you and your needs. Find a guy who you can be equal with, not a parent to, not fix all the time. These kind of guys will never be happy because they are not happy with themselves. Let him be miserable and you move on with your life.

I have always believed that we meet each person for a reason. Figure out what you have learned about YOURSELF from this and keep that lesson with you.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 4:14pm
when someone tells you they want out of the relationship then you have no choice but to leave.

I know this is very painful but you have nothing to gain by hanging in there or letting him come back.

Move on, everytime my heart was broken I would think this was the last man I would ever love and then two months later I was dating someone else.

The easiest way to get over someone is to get back on the horse.