Please Help! Im so confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Please Help! Im so confused!
21
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:24pm
Well, my boyfriend and I have been talking about our future for a while. We have discussed finances, religion, kids, where and how we will live, even the date of our wedding. He is five years older than me, and he initiates most of these conversations.

Being a typical girl, I am very excited and happy, but I am trying not to get ahead of myself. The last two weekends, he has taken me out shopping at different jewelers for styles and sizes of rings. We even discussed a budget and how to stay within that. Today he called me and gave me a website where he had found a ring he really liked and asked me to give him my opinion.

My dilemma is this... everyone on this board always says that it isnt real until he actually asks... so what do i with myself until then? I know a guy thinks about a lot of things when it gets to this point, and I am just terrified it will either take six months or he'll change his mind. (Can you tell i've been burned in the past?)

He has even told me it is going to take him a while to find the 'perfect' ring and 'perfect' proposal. I guess i am not hung up on it all being perfect, i just want us to end up together. We've even talked about eloping just so we don't get sucked into all the wedding planning drama....

so how do i keep myself from obsessing and hoping? i don't want to turn into a psycho while he is debating marrying me!!! Help!!! (yes, i know i am being compulsive, but i would love to hear opinions)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:40pm
This is easily solved.....first, realize that discussion about religions, kids, and suburbs are not "I want YOU to have my babies, share my religion, and live with me in a state of matrimony."

I love it and laugh hyterically when people go "but they discussed their future with me and then they dumped me".....yes, well....everybody is going to have a future, and lots of people have lots of expectations, hopes, dreams, and plans about what "their future" will be like. Discussing them with you is not a formal invitation to you, nor is it an automatic inclusion of you in them. That's what people are saying when hey say "until he asks, it's not real".

First...how long have you been dating? The first 3-9 months of any constant contact dating liason is "infatuation based". It's "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself I can't enough of you." In that light, everything is choreographed, rehearsed, orchestrated and calculated to impress and please you -to keep your desire for them at an all time high - so that their feeelings about themselves based on your desire for them are at decibel 10 on the volume knob.

Second....realize nothing he does is because of, for, with, to, about, in spite of, or despite YOU...on a personal level. He's doing what he wants to do, waht his reasoning says to do, what his values justify him doing, to get whatever result he's trying to get.

So, while you've discussed things in general - haveyou discussed in specifics the children, religions, locations, professions, self-improvement and empowerment goals and requirements - and what that will required of each of you equally to give up, sacrifice, tolerate, endure, expend for, compromise regarding? If not - up to now you've discussed the "positive end" of these issues...and you haven't discussed the reality based portion of them at all.

So, if prior to really knowing one another and letting infatuation fade into respect, admiration, acceptance, and appreciation of them as a person based on the values that they hold, the standards that they live up to consistently without supervision or requirement.......then realize he's probably discussed with lots of girls the possibilities of marriage, and talking about babies and cohabitation puts lots of people (men included) into a state of emotional warm fuzziness because they envision all the upgrades, benefits, expectations, and needs this is going to meet FOR THEM...while not reviewing for a second what it's going to require of them, or cost them - and not just financially.

A great relationship is an equality based endeavor wehre infatuation has faded and been replaced by true admiration and respect, where you each want the best for each other as you determine it to be for yourselves, that you don't want this other person's individuality to fade and you're not threatened by their self-completion......and the life and lifestyle that you've defined and pursued and achieved in your own.....in great part matches theirs that they defined, pursued and achieved on their own....because you really do at the core share values, priorities, standards, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it and have proven to yourselves and the world that you can "do this"....and so you're not looking for benefits, identity, completion, success, security, or hpappiness in someone else's arm and wallet and life.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:49pm
Well, interestingly enough we have been dating for QUITE a while... much longer than 3-9 months. Actually, about a year and ahalf exclusively, and longer than that we have been friends.

WE have actually discussed finances, how much debt we have, how we both feel about debt in the future, when we think it is appropriate financially to buy a house, a car, or go on a vacation. We are both very frugal, and neither of us has one single penny of debt. WE have gone through tough decisions together, job interviews and rejections, and many other tough times. WE are close with each others families, and have spend extended visits with both families. We have talked about the kind of budget we will live on once married, the type of lifestyle we want, and our specific goals for a family, retirement, and employment. He is a teacher, and will be able to be around more once we have children. I am in medical school, and we know how tough my schedule will be on us.

During the last two years we have had every arrangment from living near each other, living together, and living in separate states. THrough this we have learned to communicate everyday and to respect each others space. When we do, rarely fight, it has always ended in a compromise and a change in behavior on both of our parts.

SO, ERIN, I wasn't really asking you to validate my infatuation. I know that I am deeply and unselfishly in love. I am just curious how most women deal with that little bit of time between the realization that he is seriously thinking about marrying you and the time from when it is actually in progress.

THanks though :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 7:33pm
Hi,

I truly think that the proposal is not far behind if you are already looking at rings. I agree that many say it isn't real until he actually asks... well let me tell you, for me my husband never even asked me... he went from the looking at rings to where are we going to get married. I asked him months after we were married why he never asked me and he laughed and said because I already knew the answer! SMILE. I personally don't think it will take long nor that he will change his mind... you two seem pretty solid to me. Best of luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 8:03pm
The journey towards proposal is a catch-22 for many men. It is very easy to poke holes in our progress and to worry that it isn't being done *just the right way*. If we talk too much about it and not follow through almost immediately, it causes worry. If we say little then surprise you then we didn't take your feelings into consideration. Granted nothing is official until we are on our knee with ring in hand facing the truth and potentially the ultimate in rejection.

Try not to worry or obsess over his progress. Instead try to enjoy the journey and understand that if he is a man of honor and integrity that he is doing the best he knows how. He may not be following a perfect script but the effort and love is there. Appreciate that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 9:09pm
Its funny that you mention that I should try not to worry that everything is perfect, when I feel that he is the one that is actually trying to be a perfectionist. I just get tired of all the semantics and the hoops that have to be jumped through. It seems to me that after a couple has been through several of those gut-check what are we doing type of moments, then they already know that they want to commit to be together forever. But, because of all our cultural traditions, we are left feeling like we have to go through all of these things, buying a ring, getting engaged, planning a wedding, etc... before we are truly recognized. But, I guess what I am learning here is that I know what is in my heart and I know his integrity and I trust him as to what is in his heart. The rest should just be icing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 10:14pm
I understand what you are saying. Perhaps its because I have been married before but I am far more focused on content than status. In the big picture status is rather meaningless yet our society prioritizes status over true content. As long as a proposal or marriage doesn't define who you are, then you are in great shape.

I tend to think of it this way. The wedding day is 1 day while a marriage can last for 1,000 or more days. Where should the focus, effort, love and attention really be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:43am
Thats how i feel and that is why i am frustrated right now just because i feel like, ok, we've made this decision, now there are so many hoops to jump through. A lot of times I dont even want a wedding, just want to get started on our life together. But... our families would be really disappointed if we didnt do all the traditional things. I'm sure it would be fun to do all that, but i feel like a lot of people focus just on that and not on their future marriage. Oh well...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:46am
Hmm...it is interesting...IF everything is so fine, why get defense at Erin? It doesn't apply then just ignore it. Your r/ship sounds great - why do you need a ring to validate it? I honestly don't get "anxious" about these kinds of things bc they are just window dressing for what counts. And for me what counts is what Erin was talking about - mutual respect and admiration.

Maybe you should just relax and enjoy this process. It only happens once in your life, no need to rush it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:04pm
It sounds
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:06pm
The reason I got defensive with Erin was because I felt like I was just looking quite simply for advice on how to deal with all the excitement, anxiety, and other emotions during this time. Unfortunately, she decided to make gross assumptions about our relationship. I was so shocked, of course I replied.

Well, I guess the whole point of this is that I was looking for someone who had dealt with a similar situation successfully to give me hints. Unfortunately what I found was any number of skeptics and critics. It is sad to realize that the general public's reaction to a couple in love is to judge and assume.

Thanks anyway.

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