Please Help! Im so confused!
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| Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:24pm |
Being a typical girl, I am very excited and happy, but I am trying not to get ahead of myself. The last two weekends, he has taken me out shopping at different jewelers for styles and sizes of rings. We even discussed a budget and how to stay within that. Today he called me and gave me a website where he had found a ring he really liked and asked me to give him my opinion.
My dilemma is this... everyone on this board always says that it isnt real until he actually asks... so what do i with myself until then? I know a guy thinks about a lot of things when it gets to this point, and I am just terrified it will either take six months or he'll change his mind. (Can you tell i've been burned in the past?)
He has even told me it is going to take him a while to find the 'perfect' ring and 'perfect' proposal. I guess i am not hung up on it all being perfect, i just want us to end up together. We've even talked about eloping just so we don't get sucked into all the wedding planning drama....
so how do i keep myself from obsessing and hoping? i don't want to turn into a psycho while he is debating marrying me!!! Help!!! (yes, i know i am being compulsive, but i would love to hear opinions)

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Well, what this came down to is that I know that he wants to teach, and to be a good teacher, you need to have a classroom and get started. I basically told him that I know he would sacrifice a lot to be with me, but that I felt that this was something that he should hold on to. I just really think that for us to be happy together we each need to feel productive and fulfilled in our personal endeavors. So, while I really appreciate the fact that he was including me in his decision to take the position out of town, I have seen over the last months how tough the job search is and I just wanted him to be able to start planning for his next year.
At that juncture, he started really talking about how he did want to have a guaranteed job for this year, but that it was equally important for him to pursue his personal life, with me. I have always worried that my obligation to be in the same city, spending 80 hours a week with school would have a limiting impact on his ability to do the things that he wants. I have introduced him to spouses of med students, just so he will have a realistic assessment of what our lives will be like.
But, he also understands that this is what I want more than anything, and the career where I will be happiest. So, we have sat down and talked about when and how we would be able to develop a life together amidst the framework of our individual careers. While I know that legally the student loans are ALL MINE, I am not planning for this relationship to be short lived. So every financial decision I make today becomes part of the package once we are married.
What we have realized, at the end of that conversation a few weeks ago, was that we want to be together, and that we are each willing to sacrifice a certain portion of our "ideal life" to have that, because our relationship has been so fulfilling and exciting. We have talked about each step of my education, the end of school in four years, the end of my residency, and the point when my loans are paid off. We have discussed in rough terms the point at our lives we would like to be at by each step. However, we both kind of have the attitude that life can change fast, so neither of us has too much of a timeline. Also, I am only 22 (he is 28), so we have a huge number of years together. Waiting one or two to get married, or waiting a few to start a family really wouldnt be that big of a deal.
Basically, what he has suggested to me, after signing his teaching conctract was this: he would teach for one year, and save up a substantial 'nest egg.' He will then move to the city where I go to school, and hopefully have a teaching job. If we get married next summer, we can add him to the health insurance my school offers (we've already looked into this), which will free him up to substitute teach if he can't find a job. So, it sounds as though we have a plan A, a plan B, and steps on how to get there... can you tell how compulsive we both are?
As far as whether he is debating the concept of marriage - I know from our early "pre-serious" conversations that this a man who wants a wife and family, and wants to be a good strong leader of the house. In fact, when we first met, we were really just friends for a long time because neither of us wanted to deal with a relationship during the transition into the first year of our new careers (again... can you tell we are both Type A? this was a couple years ago and we were already planning!). But, when someone brings you so much happiness, you don't turn it down because some checklist isnt right.
Well, basically what I am taking from all of this post is that I dont want to rush this, pressure him, or turn into a psycho nag... because NONE of those will bring me the result that we want. I guess I am glad that the decision is in his hands, because i have made mine.. this IS the man I want to marry. Now, if and when he asks, I will know its because he has also come to the decision as well. And if he doesnt, then I will have to decide whether he's isnt willing to marry or just isnt willing to marry me.... but why borrow trouble?
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