Please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Please help me
9
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 10:09am

Hi. I have tried myself to figure this one out and the answer is just not coming to me! Here goes...

I have been single for quite a while. I just don't meet men who really interest me very often... who I think are truly good. Well, I was out one night with friends and a man in the group said that he wanted to set me up with someone. I'm not big on set-ups but this guy was a good guy (friend of the family) so I trusted him. I ended up meeting the man a couple weeks later and it just killed me when I found out who he was. Another friend of the family's ex-husband. I have known this woman (his ex-wife) since I was a little kid. We rarely see each other but when we do we always hug and make small talk. I like her. She was married to this guy for about 15 years and then something happened with her. She started cheating on him and when the marriage started to unravel she would do things like bring her new boyfriends to town meetings when she knew he would be there, etc. They have kids and so I always hoped that they would get back together. I had never met him before, but had always heard that he was a great guy. No one could believe that she was doing this to him. They have been divorced for about 3 years. They reconciled once a while back. Since then, she has been engaged to be married twice. I'm not trying to bad-mouth her here. Just want to get all the facts out. I danced with him that night that I met him and then tried to stay away. He really is a nice guy. He unfortunately has all the traits that are important to me. He's soft-spoken, very respectful of me and everyone else around... Aaaaah, I'll try to keep this fairly short. He called me (got my number from the friend who wanted me to meet him) and asked me to come over to his house for dinner. I really struggled with it and finally said that I would. I had decided that if anything was starting to come of it that I would go to his ex-wife and make sure that it was okay with her. I went to his house that night and we talked and talked. We have A LOT in common. I left there more confused than ever. I still felt bad about even being there. Since that night I have been told that she wants to be back with him. I decided that I didn't want to be the one to come between them if there was a chance it could work. I talked to him and told him that I had a great time that night but that I didn't feel right continuing seeing him... in that capacity anyway. I explained to him the situation and said that I had heard through the grapevine that she wanted to make things work with him. He seemed a bit frustrated but he was very nice and said that he just wanted me to know that he would not ever go back with her. He didn't bad-mouth her. He just said that there were too many bridges burned as far as he was concerned. I thanked him for being so nice about it and left. That was a couple of weeks ago. The people who know the situation and know both of us have mainly been calling me just to say that they think I should give it a chance and that he was bothered by the fact that I wouldn't see him on account of her. He pretty much respected my wishes until this weekend he called and just very casually told me that they were going out and where they would be. My friends and I already had plans to possibly go there. I thought about just changing my plans and going somewhere else but we didn't. We showed up and everything was fine until his ex-wife showed up. The kicker is that she was as sweet to me as always. She came up and gave me a big hug. I know she already knows what's gone on (small town). It almost seemed like throughout the night she would come over and make small talk so that I would be comfortable. To wrap it up, I uncharacteristically had A LOT to drink that night. I wasn't so bad that I acted like an idiot, but my judgment was...impaired. My cousin, who came with me that night pulled me aside and said that while I was dancing with another guy, he (the ex-husband) came up to her and said "three years". My cousin didn't know what in the world he was talking about and she said she just looked at him until he clarified that he had been divorced three years. She said that he seemed frustrated but stopped short of saying much else... he just looked out at me and shook his head and smiled. After everyone left that night... let me reiterate I had A LOT to drink... I called him and he invited my cousin and I both over to his house. It was innocent the entire night. We all watched The Andy Griffith Show Marathon (I wish I was kidding about that :)and talked until very early morning. My cousin fell asleep on his couch and he told me that I could sleep in one of his bedrooms and promised he would be good. :) I said that I didn't feel quite right about that and that I was going to wake her up so we could go and he then kissed me. He told me that he really liked me and that he would do whatever I wanted to do...on my terms. He said that he didn't care who knew, but he knew I did. I live in another town and he was basically saying that he would come to me every time so that we could keep it quiet. I'm dying here! He has called me a couple of times since Sunday morning and I'm trying to just make small talk until I decide what to do. If I see him, I will feel like a homewrecker and that I've betrayed someone. If I don't I'll always wonder. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Please don't hold back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 10:21am

lifeinthrees...

After reading your post twice, Pianoguy immediately said to himself: "THIS PLOT WOULD MAKE A GREAT MINI-SERIES!"

But to answer your questions quickly and to the point...

The man needs to end one chapter of his life COMPLETELY before he takes up a new one with you. Irregardless of the fact that there's a past acquaintance-ship between YOU and HIS WIFE....the two of 'em are STILL MARRIED! And it's really up to the 2 of 'em to make the decision if they want to keeping trying at making their marriage work...or dissolve things entirely.

If you're in the picture...their situation becomes even more complicated. So PLEASE stay out of it until the man is free of his marital obligations. Once he is...you can decide if you wish to pursue him or not!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 10:54am
Sorry, I thought I had conveyed in my post that they have been legally divorced for 3 years. If they were still married this would not even be a question I would be asking. Thanks for your input. Does that change your thoughts on the situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 12:37pm
I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing this guy. He's been divorced for three years and the wife has already moved on, and he wishes to do the same. His frustration comes from his ex making his life miserable and still causing him grief three years after the divorce. My take on this is he was really saying to the ex, "it's been three years since our divorce. Stop meddling in my affairs and find your own place to hang out." She likes to parade her new bf in front of him at meetings, she shows up where he is and he just wants to move on. don't feel guilty because this woman is nice to you. You don't owe her anything. He gave up her place next to him a long time ago and now that place is available to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 1:59pm

Umm, I don't think you read the post very carefully. They have been divorced "3 years". They are not working on their marriage. She reportedly (rumor mill) wants him back but he doesn't want her back.

life - I don't know why you're having such a problem with it. The divorce is done and has been for some time. Some marriages are not meant to work and a really good Dr. Phil quote here is that it's better for children to be FROM a broken home than to live IN one. To work things out only for the sake of the children is not healthy or good for anyone.

My suggestion is to talk to the ex-wife and tell her that you are interested in dating him and see what she says. The rumor about her wanting him back may not be true but usually rumors have some basis in truth. However, you seem to be forgetting on piece of this equation here - HIM! If she wants him back and he has said "absolutely no way would I ever go back to her", then believe him. He wants to be with you. I can understand your hesitancy due to the circumstances, but both you and he deserve to be happy and if you can try to do that together, that's wonderful. I think your respect for your friend's feelings is wonderful, but there is a time when you do need to think of your own feelings as well.

Also, I would not suggest "keeping it secret" - those things always blow up and someone will find out and wonder why you felt the need to keep it secret and it winds up much uglier than it has to be. Keeping things above board and honest is the best way to go. I hope you'll give it a chance. You both seem like good, honest, caring people that deserve a chance to be happy together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 2:28pm

lifeinthrees...

PG must've missed or overlooked the 3-year divorce segment of your post?

SORRY...BUT I'M NOT INFALLIBLE. And your original post was a tad lengthy...so it was easy to miss a few particulars! ANYWAY...

Knowing what you know about the man's attitude and the fact that you could be treated like a queen...or in a manner similar to that of the EX-WIFE---do you wish to take the plunge and marry the man?

A YES or a NO answer (from you) should give you a 'heads up' when it comes to a decision?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:01am

To be honest pianoguy, I don't wish to take the plunge and marry ANYONE at this point. :) I know that dating is pretty much a game of chance... one that I have tended to shy away from lately. But I think I'm about at the point where I think I might try this out and see what comes of it. If I do decide to go that way, I won't do it behind closed doors. I'll be upfront about it.

Thanks for your responses!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:16am

Thank you for your reply, vexer!

Thanks everyone for your help with this. I found out last night that a colleague's (very nice man) cancer has come back. It's in the bone and so far doesn't look good. They're having to consider stem cell replacement. He has been told that the cancer is related to the Agent Orange from Vietnam, yet the VA will do almost nothing for him as far as coverage. I had dinner with him last night. He was in such good spirits. I left there reminded that we do only live once (and also to find out everything I can about what the heck is going on with coverage for our veterans!!!).

I have been thinking mostly of how this dating scenario will affect everyone else, but am going to try and remember to think of my own happiness as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 5:22pm
Good for you! I think that is important to remember - life can be very short and we never know what can happen. We spend so much time worrying about things and maybe we should simply try to do things that make us happy! Good luck no matter what you decide.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:00pm

First off, you're NOT a homewrecker by any stretch of the imagination, that house was demolished well before you came along, and, it was *she* that did the damage.

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