PLEASE HELP!!! Need advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
PLEASE HELP!!! Need advice please
6
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:58pm
Hey Everyone!!!!

I need advice a.s.a.p. PLEASE!!! I wrote in a while ago about this younger guy (he's 19) I have been seeing.... Things were going okay until I made the bold move and decided to tell him I was going to go see him one weekend (we live 2 1/2 hours away from each other). Well, he started acting weird the night I went to visit him. At first I htough it was nerves or something, but I later decided I had no idea what it was. When I told him he was acting weird, he just said "I don't think I am. What am I doing?" So, I kind of let it go and we had a good weekend, although he was still kind of acting strange. I think I must have made him feel uncomfortable in some way... Maybe I was too forward by inviting myself over to his place, plus I know that I can come across as wanting a serious relationship with someone. I don't know if he got this vibe from me or not, but needless to say he kind of retratced a little (wasn't calling as much etc).

So, the last conversation I had with him was great - he as laughing at my jokes and I made sure there was no serious tone to the convo at all. Then, when I told him I had to go get ready b/c I was going out for a few drinks with friends, he said "Give me a call sometime," to which I replied "Uh, okay, give you a call sometime?" Then he said "Have a good night. Be safe." It was almost like he was feeling guilty for something.... So, I got off the phone and was totally confused b/c we were talking every day at least once for a month or more and now he's saying, "Call me sometime???"

SO......what should I make of this comment??? Is this a brush-off? Is he trying to tell me that he wants to just be friends or that maybe he wants to just not talk as much? Guys, I would REALLY apreciate your input on this.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:21pm
So before you invited yourself over, he had never actually invited you over? And then afterwards he's telling you to call him? He's not chasing you...he's enjoying the distance thing, but he's not interested in really having you around sounds like it to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:32pm
Thanks for your advice Downbythebay.....

The interesting thing of it all is that initially he gave me his phone # and I actually called him first. And, he had asked me when I was going to come up to see him before, so it wasn't like I came up with the idea. Secondly, he sounded really excited that I was coming up to see him. So, I just don't know what to think.........

:(
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 12:56am
I don't know if this applies to your situation or not, but I once had a guy I was seeing do the whole "give me a call sometime" thing when we had been seeing each other too long to be that casual about it. So I did exactly that--I treated it like a brush off and ignored him for a week or so--not only did I not call him, but I didn't return his calls either. I figured, hey--if he wants casual, that's what he gets & I'm gonna start looking for someone who isn't going to act so ridiculously. Turns out he got the hint real quick once he realized I was willing to walk if he wasn't giving me the attention I wanted and became very solicitous. In my case, he was worried that I wasn't as into him as he was into me, so he was trying to act more casual about the relationship than he really felt. In what you've described though, it seems like this guy knows exactly how much you like him. So my advice is to blow him off for awhile. If he does like you, he'll scramble to keep you and treat you the way you want him to. If he doesn't--eh, who needs him anyway? ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:51am
Thanks for your advice and input Stephanie. Some responses on this board are pretty harsh and I really appreciated the tone of your post. I know people are just trying to be helpful and open my eyes to what is most likely going on in my situation, but it still hurts to hear it nonetheless. However, I could definitely relate to your post. You are right. Who needs someone who isn't that into me??? I deserve better (we all deserve better than that). Some of my friends say he may be intimidated or that maybe he thinks I am not that into him, butI think he should have gotten the hint that I do like him. But, he is only 19 (20 very soon) and he may not be able to decipher the signals that an older man could (i.e.: I LIKE YOU STUPID)!!!

Ahhh, dating is so frustrating and I just wish people would be straightforward and honest with each other. The thing of it all is that he was into me the second weekend he came down here and he told me he was coming to see me!!!! So, what happened to make him change his mind. Did I scare him off or did he decide he just doesn't like me that much? He acted like we had been dating for years that weekend in front of all of his friends. He was touch-feely, sweet and very attentive, so what makes someone do a 180 and totally change how they feel? Maybe I was just a fun time??? God I hope that is not the case.......

Anyway, as the old saying goes: "Another one bites the dust".........
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 3:46pm
Yeah, I know what you mean. It's something about these types of message boards that leads some people to get all self-righteous when they respond to a post. It's like they're saying, "hey, moron how you be so dumb as to actually behave in a human way with a man." It's always--you didn't ask him out did you? or you didn't smother him, did you? or you didn't let him know how much you liked him did you? Like dating is all one big game with sexist rules and if you play it correctly you win. Win what exactly? Who knows? That's what mean-spirited posters never seem able to identify.

I'm all for the straightforward and honesty thing. I'm a no bs kind of girl, and most of the guys I date eventually appreciate that. I think they try harder to figure us out than we try to figure them out and appreciate a woman who says what she means and means what she says. Of course, there are men who are terrified of that--I know, I've sent more than a few running for the hills ;-) But, I say again--if they're not enough man to handle me then good riddance.

And it's also true that at 19 this guy might just not be that savvy about "grown-up" dating. As in not college dating where you think you're roommate's brother/sister is kinda hot so you make out at parties. An exaggeration, but you know what I mean. I doubt you were just a fun time. He does sound spooked, but you can be pretty sure that's due to issues he's having either with maturity or something else all together. You didn't do anything wrong. His jerky behavior is the issue here, not what you may or may not have done to "cause" it. I'm glad you're letting this one go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 7:03pm
Stephanie,

I am exactly like you when it comes to dating. Again, thank you so much for your advice... I really appreciate the positivity of your posts to me. They helped me realize that I deserve better than this and that if he does like me in the least then he can come to me and I am NOT going to give in and call him. I am doing what he told me to and I am going to be causal about it. Who needs someone who doesn't care anyway? Not me. I am a woman with a lot to give and eventually one guy will love me for being upfront and honest about my feelings and emotions. Funny you would say you've sent a few running, b/c believe me sweetheart, so have I!!! And, you know what? They would not have been able to handle me and it's better for both of us that they ran the other way!!!

Have a great night and thanks again. I look forward to getting to know you through the boards!!!

Sarah