Please, help. Should I just let it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Please, help. Should I just let it go?
3
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:08am
Alright. (finding words). I have been in a relationship now for 3 years. It has been semi-long distance. His family is located in Seattle, mine in Virginia, but he resides in this area. With school and his committment to the Navy, we've only spent, at the most, 3-5 visits/month....our families have met, became friends, and went beyond simple acceptance of our relationship and expressed each other's families as the 'in-laws' we all had always hoped for. So yes. Our families are very involved. To break up with him would almost feel like I turned my back on, what I've grown to understand, as...family. At the beginning of our relationship, I expressed to him all of my beliefs, values, fears, and things i had done I was ashamed of. To love is to accept someone for all their good and bad right? At that time, I believed he had shared everything with me as well. To my disappointment, I learned just this past December, that he had been lying to me about his past to cover up something he had done...he lied about his past partners to hide that he had had an abortion. The series of lies and arguements he steered me in made me feel absolutely hopeless once I realized the truth. After all this time, how could he lie to me like that? How does he even have that ability within himself?...so we fought. and I expressed to him that I thought we couldn't be together anymore...because I strongly felt that he should have known I would not have judged him if he had just told me from the beginning...i would have loved him regardless....but to lie to me...and the way he did it...blah blah blah, we ended up getting back together...but then just last week he tells me that during our fighting period (which was maybe just for the month of January) he messed around with another girl....I dunno. I could write an entire book about how i feel.

i just don't know what to do. i feel like...i can't trust him. he hides, lies...breaks promises...i thought we were so much deeper than that. he was my one and only....yes my one and only....first..and so far last sexual relationship.....did i plan for it that way...no. i thought myself to just be extremely lucky. i don't know what i am now? i understand myself to be a grounded, level-headed person. but?....agghh. babble babble. i need some advice. anything would be greatly appreciated. thank you for your time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:52am
Okay, so . . . he got an ex-girlfriend pregnant and she had an abortion, and he didn't tell you about this, and you somehow found out about it in December. Right?

I have several questions for you to think about. How did you find out about it? Did he tell you or did you find out from another source? Did he actually lie to you about it, or just not tell you? What were the circumstances? When did he find out about the abortion - did he know at the time or find out later? Have the two of you ever discussed your views on abortion? Have you talked about having a future together, getting married?

As for him messing around while you were broken up - hard as it is, I don't think it's fair to hold that against him unless his behavior (having casual sex) conflicts with your values. He didn't cheat - you had broken up with him at that point.

You obviously don't trust him, and I think that trust is essential to a relationship. I'm not 100% clear on what led to you not trusting him though. Before you found out about the abortion - did you trust him or did you have doubts even then?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:03am
Yes, he was wrong to lie to you about the previous abortion. But I wonder... how did that subject even come up? Because honestly, (and I don't mean to sound rude) I don't feel that something that personal that happened in his past with another woman was any of your business. And I don't know why you felt it necessary to tell him "all the things you had done that you were ashamed of." Talking about past deeds is NOT the same thing as sharing "beliefs, values, and fears."

But since you did discuss your pasts, there is no way I can excuse or defend the fact that he lied. I can only assume that he feared that you would judge him too harshly.

But you already tried to forgive him, because you got back together after you found out about the lie. So what's the problem now? You have no right to criticize him for seeing another woman while you two were broken up. He didn't even have to tell you about that. You weren't together.

Hon, it sounds like you have some very idealistic, and perhaps unrealistic, notions of what a relationship should be. If you want to open and honest with each other, that's great. But you have to be sure you can handle the information you are given, and you must try not to condemn the person for what he has just told you. The feeling that someone will abandon you or blame you for your mistakes is what sometimes causes people to lie about what they have done. Again, I'm not saying that your boyfriend was right to lie. That was absolutely wrong, and you would have been within your rights if you had broken up with him for lying. Period.

But you chose to try and stick with him and work it out. If you don't trust him anymore, your relationship has little chance of surviving. But if you want to stay together, you have to find a way to get past the lie and truly forgive him, and find trust again. Perhaps the two of you would benefit from couples' counseling.

Oh... I forgot to discuss the LDR issue. That's probably part of the reason you're having difficulties. It's very hard to keep a relationship strong and close when you are separated by geography. If you're having these problems now, they will get worse once he moves back across the country. You need to carefully consider whether pursuing this relationship is realistic and fair to both of you.

And bottom line: a person's past should generally remain in the past, because it usually has NOTHING to do with you or your relationship.

Take care.


Edited 3/24/2004 11:17 am ET ET by jilly73

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:31am
Perhaps the reason he didn't tell you about the other woman was because he feared how you would react and didn't want to lose you. It can be scary when you know how seriously things will be taken by your SO sometimes, when they really weren't something you considered serious.

The abortion? Lets just say thats a really diverse topic and so many people feel so many different things on this subject, and it's also something that once done, can't be taken back. Also, as a man, he may not have even had a say about whether it was done or not. This will be the first time I am going to mention this, and very possibly the last, as a uninformed, scared teenager, I had one. I have never told anyone about it - ever, except the man who would have been the father to that child. (we are still friends) and he has also never told anyone he's had a relationship with since then. (It's been 20 years or so) In fact, we've only talked about it a handful of times with each other.

It's not one of those things a person cares to remember or discuss or have to validate to someone else why it happened. It's not something that (usually) a person is particularly proud of either and would want to tell people about. I don't see any reason to ever tell anyone, whether I am in love, intend to marry them, whatever.... I just chose to keep my mouth closed when it comes to discuss such situations. (not even my gynecologist knows!) I don't know, perhaps if one of my daughters ever found herself in a situation where she was considering abortion and came to me for advice, I may bring it up.... but I'm not even sure that would be a good idea or that I'd be able to bring myself to mention it anyway!

Anyway, my point is: I don't think keeping the abortion from you was something you should take personally. Thats all.