Please HELP so CONFUSED!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Please HELP so CONFUSED!!!
1
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 9:40am

Hi all, please help me!

I have been dating a guy for 3 months now.
After a month of dating we had "the talk". I was shocked. The bottom line was that he cared about me but at that point thought of me as a friend. We were/are having sex. We decided that we were exclusive and he thought I felt more for him than he did for me. We decided to remain exclusive and see what happened.
So, now it's two months later. We are more comfortable with eachother I feel and I think that he does care about me as a "girlfriend" now. I've called him my boyfriend before, he finally started inviting me over to HIS house. Things are progressing but very slowly.
Heres the problem...He doesnt show me any emotion. When we were starting to get to know eachother he told me he loved to love, loved romance. I haven't seen any of that. Whenever I say something that should envoke an emotional response (not even a large one because I have been very careful to hold back and not spook him) he doesnt respond. I called him on it and he said that I don't really know him and he learned a long time ago to keep his emotions inside (he has been cheated on and hurt a lot).
I cant be too upfront with him because I think it spooks him or puts him off a little I need to be gentle. I have a lot of faith in him and have told him that because he likes to crack jokes and is really sarcastic. So... I need some emotional support. I really want to ask him how he feels now but I'm scared to. I feel like if I ask him he'll say he doesn't feel anything even if he does. I don't know... I don't know how to go about it but I need "something". I need him to just tell me that he likes me because I feel it but.. I've been wrong before with him... As an example, he has an online profile up and hasn't logged in since we started dating. I asked him to take it down and he thought that was controlling and that it should come down without my telling him to do it...
Any ideas on how I can broach the subject gently? I do care about him and feel that he is worth being patient for. I want him to know I wont hurt him!

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 4:39pm

He's not open emotionally to you because you are an "exclusive" FWB and he's comfortable the way things are. If a guy is into you and emotionally in a place for a relationship, any talk that you have about emotions or your relationship won't "spook" him. Instead, he will be happy to do it because it means getting close to you.

This boils down to how long you are willing to put your life on hold for this guy that will probably never be ready for a relationship WITH YOU. A few months down the line, I could see him deciding he's ready to have a relationship but then letting you go and picking up with someone else. Situations like yours rarely turn into real relationships (they can, but it's not likely) because right now, you are filling the physical need with the low emotional commitment that he needs. When he is ready for an emotional commitment, it's hard to transition that FWB to a girlfriend.

I find it odd that he has an online profile up and refuses to take it down but also doesn't check it. Are you positive he's not checking it? That makes no sense.

In any case, he is not ready for a relationship with you or anyone else right now. If you are willing to hang around to see if he changes his mind, that's your prerogative but know that it's not likely going to happen. In the meantime, you could be missing out on a great guy thta will be able to offer you his entire self and a good relationship - more than just a FWB situation with a guy that is not and may not ever be ready for a relationship with you.

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