Please help!! (Very long sorry!)
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| Tue, 05-01-2007 - 2:03pm |
Hi Everyone! I'm new here and I am truly at a loss as to how to handle this situation and how to get my relationship with my boyfriend back on track.
My boyfriend and I have had this amazing connection since day one. We were kind of like magnets that were just drawn together and the chemistry between us is unbelievable. We have so so much in common and we have the best time when we're together and always make each other laugh. I have 2 small boys, and he has full custody of his daughter and we value family and have the same values and ideals.
The problem started this past week. He started talking a lot about our future, marriage and about moving in together. He even went so far as to call a realtor about a house we saw for sale and asked me to go to the open house with him on Sunday. What woman doesn't want to hear all this, right? So, of course I was very happy that he wanted all this and was ready to go with it. I was supposed to go to his softball game on Sunday with him and his daughter and then over to the open house, and he was going to call me Sunday morning to confirm that the game was still on and hadn't been canceled before I went to his house.
Well, Sunday morning arrived and he didn't call. At 11:00 I sent him a message saying good morning and that I assumed that since I hadn't heard from him that the game was canceled and for him to give me a call when he was ready to go to the open house. Again, no response from him. I finally hear from him at 5:30 that evening and when I question him on why he blew me off, all he says is that he was car shopping with his friend. I could then sense that something was way off with him, because this was just not like him. We have been inseparable since the 1st day we started dating...emailing, txting, and calling each other multiple times during the day. We would always start the day with a good morning text message.
So, I asked him again what was going on and he finally told me that he was freaking out and that I was moving too fast for him. Now this is where I got a little upset with him mind you due to the fact that I NEVER brought up any of the discussions about our future or moving in together or marriage. That was all him. So, even though I was clearly upset I said that was fine and we didn't need to think about all that stuff right now. All I want is to be with him and enjoy the time we have together. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I can feel him pulling further and further away. He's not calling like he used to and now I'm afraid to say anything to him because I'm not sure if it's going to "freak" him out.
We talked a little bit this morning and now he says that he wants to start from square one again as friends who are exclusively dating and just take things one day at a time and see how things develop. How do I do that after sharing all the amazing moments that we've had and all the love that he's shown me in the past? How do I get this back on track?
I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces because I truly love this man and I know he loves me...but for some reason he is terrified all of a sudden.
Please help!!

I'm sorry this is happening, but unfortunately this is a common story from women who get involved with men who come on strong from the beginning. I've learned that, contrary to what you might think, that is actually NOT a good thing, in fact it's a huge red flag. Men who do this tend to have a very unhealthy "fantasy" view of relationships and then when things get "real" (as they always do!) they turn and run. John Gray (the Mars/Venus guy) even has a name for it, "blowtorching".
How long have the two of you been dating? You didn't say and I think that's a crucial piece of information before I try to give you any more feedback.
Sheri
This is one scenario I have never experienced. But, if it were me, I would do what you did and remind him that it was HIM who made all of those moves and to freak out like that tells me that he is still immature, unstable or was behaving that way because he thought that was what you wanted. Sometimes people prematurely anticipate another's thoughts or wishes instead of just asking them and then they make a mess out of a relationship.
"How do I do that after sharing all the amazing moments that we've had and all the love that he's shown me in the past?" - did you ask Mr. Selfish this question?
I have heard of "cold feet", but I have not experienced it myself or by way of another. If he is terrified of a relationship with you, then it is about him and not you. Your actions will not change the course of the relationship with him. Even if you walk on egg shells just so you don't terrify him, the relationship could end anyway - if that he what he wills it to do. So I suggest you be yourself and the same self that you were a week ago and if that bugs him, then the pain and suffering will be over with sooner than later. I sound pessimistic about it because his actions make me nervous - that he is nervous - like nervous breakdown material. And maybe with the stress of planning a future you are catching a glimpse of it now. That is good, so you can decide whether he is right for you.
I don't know how you are supposed to move backwards in time with a relationship. I don't see that as possible.
It sounds like he may be an aggressive commitment phobe. These types of people come on strong and seem like they are ready for something real and good, but then they become scared and run - even if they are the ones who initiate taking things a step farther.
Passive commitment phobes are most likely women. They unintentionally attract aggressive commitment phobes. Usually the relationships are very strong and intense before thing start going wrong.
I hope this isn't the case for you - I don't meant to sound negative, either. I used to be a passive CP myself but worked through it by examining my behaviors and choices.
Hopefully your guy will take a step back and realize that HE is the one who needs to slow down for his own sake.
Best of luck and hugs!
Pink
Hi Ladies!
Thanks so much for all your input and advice! I really appreciate it. So, K and I are still talking but it's definitely strained and we kind of feel like strangers, but hopefully it will get better. Although, one thing I'm not happy about is that he put his profile back up online right after our fight the other night, and I tried to bring it up, but he just changed the subject on me.
I'm thinking that I'll just let him do his thing and see where things go. However, if he thinks I'm not going to keep my options open and date other men while he's on the fence, he's sadly mistaken.
You still didn't answer Sheri how long you two have been dating. The fact that he put his profile back up immediately seems very immature, and maybe shows that he is already moving on in his mind.
There is no way you can get this back on track by yourself. It takes two, and he seems very unwilling to even discuss it at this point. I would distance myself as much as possible, tell him goodbye and prepare to move on with my life.
And you ask, What woman wouldn't want all that? Maybe a mature woman who knows that with three children involved, it would be wise to take things very slowly and discuss each step in depth with the man she wants to create a new family unit with. Maybe a woman who has enough of her own life, home, and way of raising children to not "need" a man to provide all that for her, but who might, with time, see a way to live even more abundantly as a family with him and his child. A self-confident, actualized woman wouldn't automatically jump at all that is being offered without knowing the person that is offering it over some period of time.