Please, I need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Please, I need advice!
10
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 4:15pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 going on 9 months. It hasn't been all that long but it's a start. I've always thought that we have had the best and strongest relationship. For the past couple of months I have been doubting that. We have been having really bad fights just about every day! He really is everything to me and tells me I am to him. One day a couple weeks ago I signed onto his screen name and noticed that he had posted a personal ad at Eroticy.com! I asked him about it and he said he didn't know anything about it. He also created a profile that described him, what he was looking for, and said that he was single. He told me that he had no idea how all of that information got on there because he'd never been to the site. Well obviously...I knew better because only he could know the information on there! Last night I asked him why he had become a member to this website and he told me the supposable truth. He told me it was just to look at pictures and stuff but then I asked him why he had to create a profile saying he was single and looking for something else and he couldn't give me an answer. He just said he didn't know. Then he swore up and down to me, again, that he loved me and would never do anything to hurt and doesn't want to be with anyone else. This is definatly causing some very serious trust issues!! I just don't know what to do or think. Also, a few days before that he went to a concert I was unable to attend and apparently this girl, a friend of his(that I've met) and knows we're together tried to "take their relationship to a different level" and he is telling me that, that is where it stopped and nothing else happened. I'm not sure I can believe that because of the whole Eroticy.com thing. I don't want to leave him because I'm not sure if he "is" telling the truth and I don't want to stay with him because I'm not sure he "isn't" telling the truth. I'm so confused!! Please give any help you can!

DesiRae
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 4:23pm
Ive had this exact scenario occur in my life in the past.
Lilypie Baby Days

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 6:32pm
I agree with Wendie...he is definitely not interested in being in a committed, exclusive r'ship if he has an ad on that site. Plus, now you know that he's a liar.

Trust, once breached, is really hard to regain. If you want to try, I'd insist on couples counseling and complete honesty and openness from him. For starters, he needs to give you a MUCH better explanation of what he was doing on that site.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 8:08pm
That's exactly what I was thinking, too but he's telling me the total opposite! I'm just so confused as to what to do. Thank you for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 8:29pm
Hi, well, this one is a hard one. We all know (at least we should that all men of all ages are into porn) they all have hidden magazines and if given half the chance will be looking at porn on the net, this is natural and part of who most men are whether we like it or not. However there are plenty of Free sites for him to go look at pictures
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:22pm
Yeah, I see what you're saying and thank you! I don't mind him looking at porn..I mean, don't get me wrong, it makes me a little jealous sometimes but he's just looking at pictures not talking to, meeting, or having sex with any other women so I'm okay with that. The thing that really got to me was the ad. At this point he is practically begging me to stay with him and swearing to me he'll never do that to me again. I don't want to stay with him if it's going to continue and I don't want to leave because I'm really not sure it will. Any advice you could give as to what to do next??
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:51pm
Couples counseling and full disclosure of what he was doing on that site (the explanation he's given you is TOTALLY lame)!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:54pm
Well, all I can tell you is what I would do. After the trust is broken I can never fully trust that person again because I second guess everything they say...so in the end it kills my relationships. But thats me. If you can forgive and forget then by all means do it...but if your like me...trust is broken no matter what he says and it will never be like it was before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 5:01pm
Oh..and another thing. If I know that I am with a man that really likes porn, I try to bring into "our" relationship so that we as a couple can enjoy it together (and yes, sometimes I didn't really enjoy it--but it made him happy and since I was there, no harm ,no fowl)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:07am
Thank you so much for your advice. It's very much appreciated although I am still not sure of what I am going to decide in the end. At this point he is more or less begging me to stay with him and swearing to me that he'll never do anything like that to me again. I don't want to stay with him incase it were to continue and I don't want to leave because he may very well have meant that with all his heart :( Again, can I ask what you would do??
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:01pm
I would dump him. Point blank, bottom line.