Please try and help me understand.
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Please try and help me understand.
| Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:01am |
The man I am interested in "W" was involved in a 3 1/2 year relationship until October 2006 when he broke up with her. I was still in a 1 year, 4 month relationship. W and I were good friends, classmates, always there for each other. In December, W and I were hanging out and he was taking me home when we started holding hands. I felt more from this than anything I felt the whole time I was with my boyfriend. When W took me home, he kissed me and it was truly the most amazing kiss ever. After that night, I knew W was who I wanted and I had to get out of my unhappy relationship. W and I began seeing each other more, we began sleeping together, and we began trying to get to know each other as much as possible. Everything felt right and I wanted more with W (still hadn't ended the other relationship at this point). In January or February 2007, W asked me out on a "real" date and not one of those "let's hang out" friend type of dates. I had been seeing him for a little while now and was so nervous and excited to go on a real date with him. It was amazing. The chemistry between us was incredible and I had so much fun. Since we had been sleeping together for a while, he stayed at my house and we just fell asleep. The next night after the "real date" I was at his house studying (we're classmates in school). When it was time for bed, we went to bed and began to have sex. Something weird happened in my head. I still can't explain it but it's somewhere along the "oh no - I'm just going to get hurt" feelings. I spazzed out. I threw him off me, got dressed, and left. This completely threw him off and to his day I feel horrible about it. The next day when we spoke again, he said he was very hurt by my actions and had to take a step back because I wasn't ready to be dating yet. I cried and cried and FINALLY ended my miserable relationship that I was hanging onto and shouldn't have been. I had to make things work with W. A couple weeks went by and W an I were back to holding hands, sleeping together, hanging out every night. This was around late February-early March at this point. Things went well for a while, but he never asked me on a "real" date again. He would act like my boyfriend, but not in public. One night, I confronted him about this and he said he didn't want to get hurt and the night I left him like that made him realize how scared of a serious relationship he really is. He thought that I would just hurt him again. I assured him I was just being stupid that night and I told him I wanted a chance to prove how much I really wanted this. So everything was normal with us again: acting like a relationship but not in public. Around early April, I was so frustrated with trying and trying to get him to ask me out again and I was having a lot of other personal problems in my life. He kept saying that I worry too much and shouldn't rush him. He told me re really likes me and would love to get to the point that we were at the night before I left but that it would take time because he still feels scared. We had our ups and downs but through it all, we remained friends (and a little bit more too, just not in public). He said he's happy with me and that he just wants things to be normal with us again. I told him I just want to be asked out on a date and for him to maybe hold my hand or kiss me in public and not try and hide things. He just kept saying that if I don't worry about things and don't rush things, that things will turn out the way they're supposed to. This was 3 weeks ago. Now, we're still sleeping together, still hanging out every night, still talk several times a day, and he still hasn't asked me on a date. I'm ready for more and I really want to be with W. I know we were friends-with-more and it led to a date and would have led to more if I hadn't been stupid and left that night. So I guess my question is, what can I do to re-light the spark there so we can reach that point again? How can I assure him that wanting more with me is a good thing? Is there anything I can do to be with W? I know we were in this situitation once and it led to him wanting more from me...can it happen again? He says he really likes me and would love for something more to come out of this. Should I just wait it out?

I don't know if I can help you understand. But I can say that if you really want to be with him, you need to defocus off of him.
The more you try the more they back off. Don't ask him when, don't spend a lot of time with him, he'll come around if he is stil interested.
What triggered the "oh no - I'm just going to get hurt" feelings? Was it something he said or did? I can understand his point because you offered no explanation and just left. And left him wondering what happened. So he freaked out but should have talked to you and found out what was bothering you instead of pulling the relationship back a step. He has known you for a while now, so his lack of reaching out to you seems out of place. So while he has cause for concern, he didn't handle it well. Can you try to explain what you were feeling to him or would you be afraid of opening up to him? Or is it that you were opening up to him and that caused the "freak out"? Or did you have an inkling that he was going to get over on you?
"He just kept saying that if I don't worry about things and don't rush things, that things will turn out the way they're supposed to." - when a guy uses the phrase "things will turn out the way they're supposed to" - it doesn't mean you end up with HIM. So YOU now do have cause for concern.
Anyone who is ashamed to make public the affections he shows you in private is not really worth anyone's time.
Don't beg him to ask you out on a real date again because if you have to beg for it, then there isn't much there and you'll end up feeling bad about yourself. I have a question for you: what is the difference between a "real date" and when you are alone together and just "hanging out"? Is it in his behavior? The reason I ask is because when I was dating a long time ago, a date could still feel like a date but we may eat in or watch movies or something like that.
I honestly have no idea what triggered those thoughts that night. I was very very confused and I knew I was doing the wrong thing by cheating on someone, even though I wasn't happy with that relationship. Bad relationship or good relationship - cheating is cheating and I felt guilty about it. At the same time, however, I knew W was who I truly wanted and everything with him felt so right. So things were completely wrong and completely right at the same time. I guess that's what triggered by feelings of getting hurt and caused me to leave. W just took it as a sign of me rejecting him and he began to fear I would hurt him. Like I said, he wasn't too far out of a relationship and I guess that triggered those negative relationship feelings in him. I wish I could have realized this a long time ago. I guess it's different when I have to put things down in writing. But then again, now that I think I understand what happened, it's not like I can just call him and say "Hey W - guess what? I know what happened that night." That'd probably throw him off all over again!
Last night, we went to a school function together and somebody asked if I was his date. He said "if you want to call it that." He wouldn't even say I was his date but when we were in the car leaving, he held my hand and then he kissed me goodnight. He says he "doesn't want people in his business" or that he wants people to gossip about it. I told him I don't want to be kept a secret and that it hurts. It's just so confusing to me.
Part of me wants to just wait and see what happens. I know I shouldn't pressure him to ask me out as that will only push him away. But how often is too much to bring up relationship type talks to him? Should I just keep being his friend (well, friends with more) like we were before and just see what happens?
Well, I can understand your feelings of guilt about cheating and it may cause you to take more garbage from W because maybe you don't feel you deserve more right now. If that is the case, then any relationship with W is doomed from the start because you'll be in the guilty position all the time. He is dating anyone else possibly? Because his statement about people getting in his business doesn't seem right unless something is going on or...very possibly someone is messing with him - you need to ask him if something strange is going on in his life. Strange things and people go around in the world these days, you know?
You don't have to pressure him - but you need to know what you really want before you communicate it to him so that he doesn't go back and forth anymore. But if you want things to work with any one guy, you need to invest in one relationship at a time. Now I wouldn't break up with the other guy, just to sit around and wait for W to come to his senses.
If you feel it is best to keep things as they once were then you will be compelled to do so. If you feel you need to communicate that this arrangement isn't working and make a suggestion as to what you would like, then you will be compelled to do so. What I am trying to say is that you can try to pretend to be cool about something and if a force inside of you is willing itself out...then eventually that is what will happen regardless of what you say.
I know for a fact that I am the only person W is seeing. I don't feel guilt anymore because I realize that I can't change the fact that I cheated on someone with W but I did the right thing by breaking up with him because I wasn't happy and I didn't want to lie to him anymore. The people getting in his business statement comes from us being in class together (we're in grad school together) and there are a ton of people who have nothing better to do than gossip all day. I hate the gossip also but people talk anyway and nobody can change that. He's very open with me about what's going on in his life and pretty much we're just both under the stress from school.
I know exactly what I want from W. I want us to be at the point we were at before I spazzed out and left that night. He was interested in a relationship with me and I with him. But now it's more like I'm interested in a relationship and he just wants to "see what happens." I'm not seeing anybody else but W and haven't been since February. He's made it very clear to me that he's not seeing anybody else and that "I'm the only girl he's been interested in at all since we moved here."
I really like what you said about the me being compelled to do what I feel is right. I want things to be as they once were and I want to be there for him if he needs me. He has been a great friend to me through thick and thin and I want to be there for him as well. I am ready to date him, I am ready to not have to be a secret anymore. I just want him to feel the same way. He felt this way once, and I messed up and pushed it away (the night I left). I want him to feel this way again. He says he likes me and cares about me. I just need to reassure him that things will be ok and that he won't have to worry about my feelings of guilt or being hurt anymore.
I don't think you should hang out at all... Let him miss you. If you have to be in class with him so be it. Remember, after what has happened between you two, things can not go back to the way they were before you too got involved.
I suggest you spend as little time as possible around him and if he cares he'll come after you and if he doesn't then you can go through your greiving process and move on with your life.
It may be hard in the beginning to avoid hanging out,but it will get better and easier...Maybe if you stay away long enough you'll even get more clarity as to what is it about him, that in spite of how he has lead you on, makes you want him?
Maybe time for some soul searching and reaching out to your girl friends.
Gossip sucks and it will always be around. You are right people have nothing else better to do than to stir up some dirt about someone else. It does destroy a person's life and that is something gossips don't care about or think about.
It's good that you broke up with the other person. I never could understand when someone would say that they are crazy about someone but dating someone else or sleeping with someone else. A guy once did that to me and I pretty much said, "Either you are lying or you have no idea what love is or know what is feels like to be crazy about someone. Either way, I want nothing to do with you." The reason I said this to him was because it was obvious that he was just angling things just right for him and never considered me or my feelings and my feelings were toyed with and I made a promise to myself that I would never let that happen to me again and if anyone did that to me again I wouldn't date them. What? He needed something to do one night? He was bored? Wasn't sure of my feelings? - oh please. When you really dig someone, you can't be with someone else. THAT is love. Oh, yeah, he just wanted to keep his "options open". What is up with that? Is that you are too scared of getting hurt by me to leave yourself open and vulnerable? Or is it that the only person you have room for in your heart, is you? To date someone like me, you better eat your wheaties and grow some balls or don't ring my bell. I need a man I can admire and look up to, as strong a woman as I am - I know that sounds strange but that's the only way I'll be able to love someone. People throw the word "love" and "friend" around so much that it has no meaning to anyone anymore.
I know that the playing field is very narrow for someone like me, but I can't put up with the crap I see out there that you guys have to deal with today. I am too old now (45) to put up with stupid head games and being toyed with and teased.
"I am ready to date him, I am ready to not have to be a secret anymore." - I think that's great and I wish you all the best. I wish I had the same opportunity but I do not.