Pls help asap

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
Pls help asap
3
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 2:05am

My bf and I had been together for almost a year now. but the first time he invite me over to his house. he still had a pic of him and ex-gf (they were together for a year) display on top of his tv which he and his ex-gf was done for a year since we started dating. the first month were together i was started coming over so often to his house and everytime i am watching tv in his living room i feel very uncomfortable cuz their pic are staring in front of me. so i ask him a favor if he could take off the frame and he did and put in the side of the shielve close to the bathroom. after 5months we were together he give me a gift which(scrapbooking) also he printed couple photos of us together.. then since i start collecting photos and stuff in the album i decided to put the album to his book shielve in the living room and i found this big album and it was full of photos with him and his ex. so i told him if it is necessary to put his old album in the living room. i just don't feel good if just incase we have a visitor and want to see a photos or accidently look the album and its embarrasse when they see the pic it was not our pic together. so i talk to him about it.. so he take off the album to his shielve and put to his closet which i can see them all time whenever i get a t-shirt. he knows that its hurting me.. i know its his past, and im glad that he has a past. but does he need to keep all that stuff? even though they were done almost 2 years now, is it necessary for him to keep all the photos and other stuff? just today i found a 1 shoe box full of cards, love letter etc.. with his ex-gf and its hurting me cuz it seems like he can't let go the stuff. he didn't know yet that i found the box.
we were at his friends house last friday and his friends was talking stuff about ex and collections, and his friend said he has a friend that got divorced couple years ago and he has a gf now, but he still had all his ex wife photos all over even to his side bed. then his friend said i don't collect that stuff, i have no reason to collect them, when its over, its over for me let it go.. and start over with someone new. Then i try to hold my breath not to say anything but i said "Oh i know someone just like your friend" then my bf said: she is busting my ass" then his friend said Oh men you have to let that go, you have to burn that stuff or throw them away. But my bf didn't said anything back, he was just smiling and quite.

I don't know what to do, i try to ignore this setuation before but it keeps hurting me more i just don't know what to do, and i do love him so much but this is hurting me and i don't know how to convinced him to throw or burn the stuff cuz i don't want to see them anymore. please tell me a little openion it would really appreciate it...

PS... Then tomorrow i was gonna go out shopping with his mother. which he was going to pick me up and take me to his parents house before he go to work. but i told him tonight not to pick me up tomorrow. then he said I don't give a f*ck call my mom and tell her.. and i was just thinking i should call her and talk to her about my setuation and her son, but i don't know if its such a good idea to talk to her mom about our setuation.

Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: gal_mira
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 9:01am

It's not appropriate for you to cancel on his mother. This is not a new situation you're dealing with, and she hasn't done anything to you. Canceling will reflect badly on you both in her eyes and in her son's eyes. Nor do I think you should talk to her about the situation. As much as she might like you, she's still your boyfriend's mother. She'll always be on his side when there's a side to be on.

While I agree that he should not have a picture of the two of them on the tv, I don't agree that he shouldn't be able to keep pictures of her elsewhere, tucked away. That's his past, that no one else has--his life. He shouldn't have to throw them away because his lady of the moment doesn't approve--his past will always exist, but his relationship with his current girlfriend may not! (You may some day become his wife, but until then there are no guarantees)

Keeping pictures in a shoebox isn't throwing it in your face. You wouldn't even know unless you opened the shoebox! (Why did you? Were you snooping, looking for further evidence? That's just punishing yourself...)

At some point, when you are not so emotional about the subject, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Not about his pictures--because that's not the real issue--but about his feelings for his ex-girlfriend and for you. Let him know that you are feeling insecure about his feelings for you. Gauge his reaction.

But don't ask him to throw those pictures, etc. away. You don't have the right, and it's not going to change anything. If he's still not over her, having or not having pictures won't change that. And if he is over her, asking him to throw his past away is going to hurt your relationship.

He's tried to reasonably accomodate your wishes by removing the pictures from public view. You don't have a right to ask him to go further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
In reply to: gal_mira
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:31am


Hi Thank you so much with your respond. So after reading your post about to his mother. I realize you are right. she is so nice and really likes me and she didn't know anything to me and opening to her about my setuation with her son, she might give me some good opinion specially she know her son better. you are right!

So i called her just a few min, i told her that she had to pick me up,. cuz her son and I had some arguement and her son is not gonna pick me up anymore. then told her exactly what happen and she give me a good opinion. she said i should have a serious talk to her and stand up for myself. write down all the things i'd like to tell him. which i think is such a good idea. sometime she think that i am just too nice for her son and her son is taken advantage. which it's true she was right i need to stand up for myself or his behaviour won't change anything...

about the shoebox. no i was not trying to find them it was just accident i find the box. because he buy a new computer and he ask me to clean his desk and while i was cleaning i found the box under the desk and in curiousity what the shoebox was doing under the desk i open it, but if i know theirs a stuff inside that would hurt my feeling, of course i won't open the box. I guess what i just want he should keep those stuff in one box and just hide somewhere not easy to find or where i can't see them. but right now those stuff are just all over.

Thank you so much with your post i really appreciate a lot... :)
take care & god bless you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: gal_mira
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:58am

I'm glad you're feeling better and are still going to go shopping.

And, I think she is right that you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. And certainly if it helps you to write everything down on paper beforehand so you don't miss a point, you should!

Good luck & all the best!