PORCUPINES?! Help!
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| Sat, 07-01-2006 - 3:42am |
Hi. This is going to be a long one and thank you up front for bearing with me.
I am talking to a guy I had originally met on Match. (D)(Some of you from the online board recall)He went off match after I called him on something and we agreed to be friends. He asked for my info and told me ahead of time he was going off Match,
having "had enough of it". I was never certain about his interest. I knew I would want more if we continued to talk (we had a big life issue and distance was a concern)so I wrote him off and didn't contact him. This was hard.
I went on to date two very nice gentlemen. One was casual and fell of the radar and the other one was younger and too into it (as in he wanted to meet my kids and have me meet his family and friends after two dates). My experience with my ex makes me run when a guy wants to get us "hooked" so soon.
A few weeks later D contacted me. (OK the reason I liked him was that there was an intense intellectual, physical, and phone attraction. We would talk about books and movies and it just seemed that things he would read or like would be like things I would. It was mostly like dialogue in the movie "You've Got Mail"
It was the same with his profile tone and writing). Just compelling.
We began emailing and he called and made an effort to get closer. He chased. I was seeing Brian during this but just became less and less interested. D and I talked about the other issues and reached a consensus and were willing to see what happens despite the distance. I broke it off with Brian (D never knew about him)Getting together for d and me was hard b/c of both of our situations (his job,another problem, was 60 plus hours and would start settling down in June. Which it did.) We maintained email, text, and phone as a means of staying connected.
FIRST DATE:
After a month we went out (he came down and was a gentleman. I drove my own car and met him at the restaurant. We had fun and at the end became physical. No we did not have sex). He promptly emailed me first thing the next morning and we both seemed to keep it cordial and simple without talking about feelings. I now realize that I have a fear of commitment and I had been wondering if we were like the two porcupines joke. Q: How do two porcupines mate? A: Very carefully. I have been burned by an ex husband and haven't had a lot of dating experience. I guess I have a hard time letting myself be vulnerable. So I put up this calm in control shell.
Since then we have continued to talk and email but it is less frequent. I have called him when he was sick and once when I knew he needed a stress relief ( he asked to hear my voice) Yet I found he wasn't doing the same a few weeks later. So I found myself testing him. (He wasn't chasing as much anymore which I guess is OK. But again he wasn't breaking his back to make sure we got together again and so neither was I.) He told me he was taking a week off for vacation. I asked where he was going away to. He said he was going to stay local. This is supposed to happen next week. I have a wedding coming up and decided not to ask him to accompany me. I never mentioned it to him.
This was the testing: I wouldn't contact him (because I felt that maybe I felt more for him than he did for me and was getting freaked). He never let it get to a week without talking (but usually by email. Our phone conversations became less frequent and shorter and would often include phone sex) Very HOT I will admit.
Ok so last week as I hadn't contacted him he sent me some pictures, we talked and I said I would send him one but didn't until the next day. After I did he wrote back something explicit that just urked me. I was not in a sober frame of mind when I responded so I think I went overboard. I shot off an email saying,what is that all this is about? (sex)
Then I shot off another with some background stuff (he never asks about but I wondered if its because he believes that that past stuff doesn't matter or that he just doesn't give enough of a sh__) He responded the next morning very early but not with what I had hoped for. I guess I was looking for a reaction. (He said he never asked because the past was none of his business to be asking about.)
OK so here's the punchline....Help, PLEASE!!!:
1) Do I need to talk about this (in person or on the phone) or do we have too much shaky ground to begin with?
2) Are we both playing games (I think I can now admit I have let it go to that on my end.) or is it just me?
3) Does he not care or not want a relationship? ie am I a "good for now" person.
Thoughts and opinions? Please keep in mind that I am looking for honesty laced with kindness as this was very hard for me to write. (I know and hard to read)
Thanks, E

Ok...as kindly as possible...this man isn't interested in having a serious relationship with you. Do you REALLY think that a man who wants a serious relationship has *phone sex* with a woman he sees as a possible serious partner??? If he had good intentions toward you, he would have followed up the date with another and another and another. Instead, he's content with occasional emails and phone sex. Looking at that objectively, do you really think that's how a guy who thinks of you as potential relationship material would conduct himself?
I really think your best bet is to just block him from contacting you and move on.
Sheri
eliza2006...
Pianoguy had to think about your post for a few minutes. It was kinda long and involved, but here are his answers to the questions you've asked.
My generic answer to your 3 questions.
I think you're both on "shaky ground"---simply because whatever security YOU need from any man...you're not going to be completely comfortable receiving it! You've indicated that you have a fear of commitment. So unless you can stop 'looking back at the ways you've been hurt in the past' by an EX or someone else, the likelihood of a FUTURE with anybody NEW...is pretty slim!
The only way you'll know if ANY MAN truly desires a long-term relationship...or is just interested in a few nights of passion...is to ASK! Just prepare yourself for an answer that might not make you happy? And whatever response(s) you receive will leave you with three choices:
1. Continue with your current dating arrangement.
2. Demand more than what you're getting.
3. Just walk away from the entire situation?
I'm honestly not too crazy about women who "test" my feelings for them. While 'testing' can be interpreted as a form of "verbal assurance" from a man...most of us aren't going to make a COMMITMENT TO YOU (or any woman) until we're damn good and ready! "Testing" will often make a man angry enough to dump you?
Assuming a couple has invested a lot of their time (a year or longer) in a dating situation and THEY MUTUALLY FEEL IT NECESSARY to advance to a higher level...that's a decision the 2 of them need to make?
Hope my thoughts help you.....at least a little?
Pianoguy
Thanks again!