Possible to be best friends with an ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Possible to be best friends with an ex?
2
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 7:36pm

OK, so I really need some feedback here.

I wrote recently about an ex who's been exhibiting signs of jealousy lately.

To recap: we went out for about 3 years (lived together too), we have been broken up for about a year and a half now. The break up was very hard. He broke up with me because he wanted to be single and 'didn't know what he wanted' (if that makes sense). He's a musician so his lifestyle is that of a muso.

Anyway. I loved him more than I have loved anyone before. I took the break up very hard. And I thought that we would never be able to be friends. It took me 1 year to get over him but I did. I started to feel happy again and very content about being single. So my ex and I have been seeing each other about once a week. Just hanging out. Talking. Listening to music. We always had a lot in common and this hasn't changed. It makes me happy in some respects as it means that our relationship wasn't in vain. It wasn't one of those where you later can't even remember why you loved that person who is so different to you.

While I went out with my ex he never ever exhibited any signs of jealousy. But lately he's been doing it because I have this roommate who chases me around like a dog. We are attracted to eachother and have kissed in the past, but I've been exceptionally good in not allowing it to go any further.

So on Saturday I was feeling low. My ex rang and I told him about it so he came around. Gave me a big hug and we were sitting in my room chatting. I started to feel better by that stage so he suggested for us to go to a bar and hear a band play. So we did. But then my roommate appeared and my ex said how he wants us to leave. So we did. Then he admitted that when he saw that guy he thought to himself "Get lost you b*****d it's my night with her tonight!". He also said how he feels very protective of me so when we are walking down the street he constantly worries that some drunkard will attack me (weird!).

Anyway we went back to my place, he stayed until 4 am (when my roommate came back drunk), we talked, listened to music... it was pleasant. At no point did he try anything with me. When he was leaving I was half asleep on my bed, so he kissed my cheek and left.

I have to say that no matter how hurtful the whole break up was I now feel like I really care for my ex, and I know that he cares for me. Now more than ever I feel comfortable with him, I know I can trust him. And I like hanging out with him. But of course I am afraid that I will slip back into wanting him again. So I am being really careful.

What surprises me though is his whole change of attitude towards me. It's only now (after all this time I've known him) that I can honestly say that it feels like this guy has genuine feelings for me. He's going abroad for 2 months soon and he said how I can have any CDs or books of his that I want. He runs to my place as soon as he hears I'm not well. And it bothers him that I'm attracted to someone else. At the same time these are most probably not the feelings of wanting me back. Which is OK with me.

But are we fooling ourselves that we can be best friends now? Are we both not allowing ourselves to truly move on? Even though I don't want my ex back, on Saturday after my ex left my roommate came over and tried to kiss me but I felt guilty about it and told him to go away, I started seeing him as sleazy and not worth of having me.

I know that most of you will think that I need to just stop all contact with my ex because there's a reason he's my ex. But that would be like losing a really good friend. Someone you feel you really know and feel safe with. Is there another option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 9:10am
Honey, it is your life, you can do whatever you want. If you want to hang out with your ex that is just fine by me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 11:21am

I think being close friends with an ex should be viewed as an exception, not a rule. It's really easy to be around someone you cared deeply about. You're comfortable and familiar and none of the initial awkward feelings have to come into play. You have a history that only the two of you really know so there's a deep, established bond. You know you can be yourself around him because he already knows who you are. Those are reasons it might be a good idea.

And why it might not be a good idea... you already broke up and, like you said, it was for a reason. You are comfortable here but are you happy? Is a relationship with him (even a friendship) keeping you from dating others? Clearly he's not comfortable with your roommate guy liking you. Either it's because he knows you don't like the roommate or it's because he wouldn't be happy with any guy liking you. Try and see him as just a friend. Compare the relationship to your other close friends. Do you feel the same way around him, or are you more emotional and vulnerable? Are you feeling romantic feelings or just "friendly" feelings? I think you're right to be cautious with him. Like I said, friends with an ex seems to be an exception.

Meanwhile, watch yourself with the roommate. You don't want anything strange developing there. It concerns me that he "happens" to show up at places you go and tries to kiss you in a drunken stupor.

Good luck.