Post breakup....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Post breakup....
4
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:04pm
Hi.

I recently got out of a one year relationship because he is still in love with his ex. Just a breif recap: He was the one who broke up the relationship with his ex because she is much older then he is and he wasn't ready to get married. She was his first true love. We meet very shorty after their brake up. Our relationship never seemed right because I could see him pining for her. Now that I have eventually decided this isn't right for me, I'm very sadden by this. We have grown to become friends and when I left he said that he felt like he was losing his best friend and so did I. He called the day after like nothing have happened and wanted to make plans for that evening. I've asked him not to call because this is very sad for me and I need sometime for myself. I hope he's not being inconciderate, but he's still calling. I haven't pick up his call. What should I do? I miss his friendship. We had a wonderful time together. I know I love him but I can't do this to myself. When can we communicate again?

Thanks for listening...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
In reply to: jailinh
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:09pm
YOU WERE DATING FOR A YEAR AND YOU ARE JUST NOW REALIZING THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH HIS EX? HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? DID HE SAY HE WAS? IF HE IS SO IN LOVE WITH HER..WHY IS HE TRYING TO REMAIN IN YOUR LIFE? MAKING PLANS WITH YOU AND CALLING? IF YOU CARE ABOUT HIM AND HE REALLY HASNT DONE ANYTHING TO HURT YOU BUT BE HONEST ABOUT HIS FEELINGS FOR THIS OTHER GIRL....THEN YOU CAN FAULT HIM FOR THAT. IF HE WANTS YOU TO BE HIS FRIEND AND YOU MISS HIS FRIENDSHIP THEN MAYBE YOU CAN STILL TALK TO HIM...EVEN IF ITS PAINFUL. WHO KNOWS..MAYBE HE'LL REALIZE THAT ITS YOU HE LOVES! BUT IF YOU PUSH HIM AWAY..YOU MAY NEVER KNOW!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: jailinh
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:17pm
Keep up what you are doing, you know it's the right thing. I would not be able to stay in a relationship knowing that he's just pining for some other girl, maybe even just waiting for her to take him back. It's a hard thing, but you will move on faster and reconnect with yourself easier if you keep him out of your life. Problem for him is that he wants things to stay the same. He has been so used to having you available to fufill some need and now you've taken that away. HE will have to adjust as well. Just be patient and let him call, you do not need to answer. Go and reconnect with some other friends that you may have neglected during the time spent with him. Then your need for his friendship will diminish.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jailinh
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 6:32pm
You can re-connect as friends after you've had time to grieve and heal, and after you've let go of your romantic feelings for him. It's almost impossible to do that while he's still contacting you (plus willpower can only take so much!), so if he doesn't stop in a couple days, I'd take steps to block him from calling you. It's selfish of him to expect you to go right from being lovers to being friends.

Generally, the rule of thumb that it takes half the time you were in the r'ship to get over it is pretty accurate, I've found. Count on it taking about six months before you're ready to re-connect as friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: jailinh
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 12:46pm
Hi. We initially tried dating for five months and at that time he just broken up with his ex and couldn't get into another relationship so I decided to leave him alone. Eight months passes before we reconnected again. So to answer your question, I knew along he was still pining for his ex. I guess a part of me decided the second time around to help him through it instead of leaving like I did the first time.

I absolutely miss him, but I think I need to space myself from him. It's really easy to fall back into the same old thing again....