Preventing Date Rape

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Preventing Date Rape
1
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:31pm
Hi all, I have a question about what safety measures to take to prevent date rape. Let's say a guy you just met and don't know invites you out for a boat ride. Let's say you don't know him or anyone else who knows him, but you guys met off the net on a message board where everyone else was talking about boats, and you mention, wow, that would be cool to go on a ride. And so a couple fellas on the board responded to you and so you emailed back and agreed to meet.
Now, I know probably everyone will say, well, get to know him in a public place first before you feel comfortable enough to go out in a boat with him. But that's actually part of the problem. Now matter how comfortable you may feel with him in a public place or think you might be trusting him, he still might be faking it and can still turn on you the moment you are in private.
For example, I jsut got done getting to know this one guy who totally seemed like the perfect gentleman, etc. always being really polite, always asking if this or that was okay with me first. etc.
Then later on down the road, all of a sudden he does a complete U-turn on me and told me he wanted to shove my face down in the ground and tied my hands behind my back and proceed to assualt me. I was so devastated, I couldn't believe this came out of nowhere! And he seemed like such the nice guy, like someone who would never ever even think of doing such a thing!
I was so shocked, I immediately told him I had to go and right this minute! He has not contacted me since, but I thought, if he does, I am just going to be honest with him and tell him that he is so lucky he didn't actually do that in real life, if he did, he would have gotten a 15 year sentence in prison for assualt and kidnapping charges! Tying someone up alone against their will is technically kidnapping and worth 10 years felony charge in the state of PA. I know, becuase I looked it up.
Add to that, I have been date raped before (long ago), I've had also been raped by a stranger (also long ago), and I've had other experience I don't care to go into. Need less to say, I have not been out dating for 10-12 years.
On the other hand, however, I am alos tired of living in a closet forever and never going out and meet anyone. I am just now startgin to get out of a depression where I can go out and start meeting people and doing things I've always wanted to do, such as go in a boat ride, but feel this time I also need to take very strict precautions.
So, anyway, going over my precaution list, I had to cross out what didn't apply to me. I don't own (or know how to operate) either a gun or a knife, neither do I know any martial arts/self-defense techniquess, karate or jijutsu. I basically have relied on carrying mace, although that is not worth anything it if it windy, and it is always windy in a boat.
My only other option I can think of to bring a whistle and wear a life jacket so that if he tried to assult me on the boat, I can jump in the water and blow the whistle for help nearby from another boat. Of course, there are also sharks in the oceanr and I don't want to go that way either. Besides what if no one can hear or see me in the middle of nowhere, and we are too far, what good would a whistle do then?
Or mabe I can cal the Coast guard ahead of time and let them know I am out there? But they may also sya it's not their job to come looking for me, unless someone (other than me) reports me missing.
The ideal would be to bring a friend with me, but that's the other problem. I cannot find anyone who wants to go :(
Should perhaps I could ask if he knows of another male ad female couple who could go with us so, I will feel a tad bit better efven thoug hthey are also strangers, at least I am not the only female in the boat and/or alone with him?
Any ideas? Also, I really want to go out in the boat for a ride just as frineds. In fact I don't really want to date, I jsut prefer to be platonic friends for now just going out for a boat ride with a friend, but also have to figure out a safe way to make a friend with him first, before having himn be one, you know?
ANyway, what should I do? any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 4:28am

My suggestions is to get some counselling from a rape prevention center or whatever is available in your community.

If you have not been dating for a while, it is easy to want to believe what a guy tells you or to not read between the lines of what they are saying. In fact, in online dating, a lot of women will avoid men whose profiles say things like looking for a woman who is "open-minded", "adventurous", "spontaneous" because these phrases suggest looking for a woman who will easily say yes to sex.

You say you already know to meet a guy in a public place. Well, that's the biggest precaution to take. It's one thing to take a boat ride that is publicly operated, but it seems that you are contemplating getting into a private boat wirh a guy you admit that you don't know very well.

Since you said that you have been raped twice before, why would you want to open yourself to that possibility again? My impression from reading in the newspapers, date rape is very hard to prove. You chose to be alone with this guy. You met him off a dating board and these days for many people having sex is part of the date, so how could you prove without any other witnesses that you said no in a timely manner. The fact you are contemplating bringing a knife with you says that you don't trust guy, so the question is, why would you say yes in the first place.

It sounds to me that you are very lonely which is why you are even considering this offer. You should think about building up your social circle before going on "dates" with men that you don't know very well. That way, the men that you do meet are more likely to be known by someone whom you do trust.

When you take care of yourself and have good boundaries, a man is more likely to treat you better. (not all, but then, you can't win them all). I fyou are still contemplating this date or dates similar to them with men you've only met, I suggest that you get some counselling so that you understand why you want to put yourself in dangerous situations for the benefit of people who don't know you very well and don't care about you either.