Problems with intimacy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Problems with intimacy?
10
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:51pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating since last summer. Everything is going well, but I have one concern--his lack of physical contact. We have held hands, and he will put his arm around me, but he hasn't kissed me yet! At first, I contributed it to not being comfortable with me yet and not being all that experienced with women, but now I am begining to wonder if he has a serious problem with intimacy. He mentioned that he once was very religious so I thought that maybe that had something to do with it.

I have considered taking the initiative, but I don't want to do anything to make him uncomfortable. I thought that with time, it would just happen naturally, but the way that it is going, we might celebrate a year of dating before anything will happen! lol

What should I do? Should I talk to him about it? If so, how do I approach the subject? Should I take the initiative myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:58am

freesia3...

PG's questions:

"What are you expecting and how soon?"

If you want to coax this man along...that's up to you?

Having said this...PLEASE REMEMBER that every man isn't necessarily going to behave or respond in the manner you're expecting? ! Some of us REALLY APPRECIATE aggressive women...while at least a few are uncomfortable by this type of behavior.

To be blunt...we 'take our cues' from your mannerisms and your behavior.

So if you give off "an emotional vibe" to ANY MAN that you suddenly want to withdraw (because the heat has accelerated much too quickly)---don't automatically expect us to suddenly back off after you've caused our (err) 'barometers' to rise!!!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 11:42am
Thank you for your response. I guess by now, I would have expected that he would make "the first move" and kiss me. I know that "not all men are horny", and I feel that is the case with him. I can understand if he wants to take it slow. He and I both feel that our relationship has long-term potential, but I don't think a kiss after dating for over 7 months is unreasonable to expect. If guys take their cues from women, is it possible that he hasn't made the move because he feels that it is something that I don't want or am not comfortable with?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 8:25am

freesia3...

Pianoguy thinks that both scenerios you've described are ENTIRELY POSSIBLE!

7 months is a good indicator when it comes any man accelerating his interest in a woman BEYOND FRIENDSHIP! There is also the possibility that you're interpreting your b/f's 'non-aggressiveness' based on other men you've dated and/or have been seriously involved with?

You might want to have 'a serious one-to-one conversation' with the gentleman you're currently dating? It's entirely possible each of you has TOTALLY DIFFERENT FEELINGS when it comes down to how sincere (as well as serious) you are about one another?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 7:55pm

Pianoguy,

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I am probably judging his level of "aggressiveness" based upon other guys and what I feel is "normal" in a relationship.

I don't feel that we have different feelings about how serious and sincere we are about one another. If anything, I think he was initially more "into" me than I was with him. As time has gone on and I have gotten to know him better, my feelings have grown for him.

If I choose to have a conversation with him, what is the best way to approach the subject?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:22am

That's a long time for nothing to be going on. It definitely is something you need to be addressed - ask him not in an accusatory why he hasn't seemed interested in pursuing a physical side to the relationship...


,
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:49pm
Maybe you could take the lead and start off slowly... Perhaps leaning in for a smooth kiss on the cheek when you two are at the movies. After the show while talking casually, ask him how he felt about it, or if it made him uncomfortable. If not, slowly progress into lip-locking or whatever else you have in mind. I think the important thing here is to make sure that you are both comfortable with any physical contact that is taking place. Good luck and happy smooching (maybe). :) Muna
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 7:00am
Just curious... have you talked to him yet? How did it go?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 10:55pm
I haven't had the opportunity to speak to him face to face yet as he has been out of town for business. I am just waiting for the right opportunity to bring it up, and I am thinking of the best way to approach the subject without making it seem like I am questioning his feelings for me. Any suggestions?
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 8:11am

Hi freesia,

Felt I had to put my two cents in here. First, you might find the "Mismatched libidos" board informative.

I agree with a previous poster that 7 months is a long time for a man to wait to kiss you. It is a cultural myth that all men are "ready to go" all of the time. I know, because I married such a man. He was never very interested in sex. I attributed it to the fact that he had herpes. Naturally, we would avoid sex during an outbreak, but he avoided it way more than that.

Thinking that marriage would change him, I married him. Guess what? It got worse. After 4 almost unbearable years, I divorced him.

I tell you this because I don't want you to go down the road I went down. I think you need to talk to him. There's no "right" way to do it. Just take a deep breath and begin. Be kind, of course, but I think it's time to get to the bottom of this. I think women are still raised to believe it's "unladylike" to want sex, but nothing could be further from the truth.

You also don't want to get into a situation where you are always the initiator of sex. That gets really old.

If this man really values you and your relationship, he should really be willing to work on this with you. But the sad fact may be that he has no sex drive, and no amount of "work" will ever fix it.

I wish you all the best, and please let us know how it turns out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 8:54am

hey:)

I had a similar 'issue' with my last dates.
more than only one man I met told me that he 'likes me too much'(?!?) to sleep with me or get close to me.

One guy was kind enough to explain to me that he fears to loose me once we get intimate and therefore he rather not do it. He wants to keep me in his life always and getting physcially close might ruin that. Needles to say my ego could not stand being physcially rejected all the time and I stopped seing him or any guy like that.

hmm... i think there are more men out there with strange emotional and physcial problems than we woman would have ever guessed!

keep your head up.
penelope.

(ps: excuse my english, it is not my first language)