Pulling away/uncertain????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Pulling away/uncertain????
7
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 6:12pm

Let me give you some back ground - I have been friends with my high school boyfriend for over 20 years (we are now both 40ish). There has always been a chemistry between us, but never acted upon. He got married (married for 4 years, no children) then divorced last year. We have been hanging out since then, just friends. Him calling me almost every day. I had been hoping for something to develop, however I have been careful because of the divorce and wanted him to make the move.

He finally did make the move on July 4th. It was amazing. A coupe days later he wanted to discuss his feelings (how ironic a guy wanting to do that!)....he was not sure if I just wanted to be FWB, he made it perfectly clear that he wanted much more with me. In fact he told me he is thinking about us in the future and wants me to be there when he gets home at night. I told him I wanted the same thing. He also told me that he still had some things to work out related to his divorce, I told him I understand.

We spent every weekend together having a wonderful time....we get along great and laugh a lot. I went on vacation for a week, when I got back 2 weeks ago I noticed him being a little distant, but he said he was tired so I thought that was all it was. Then last weekend I did not see him at all, although he was calling me, just not wanting to see me. I was very upset, but did not say anything, and started to realize that he was pulling away, possible in the uncertainty stage? So I said nothing and acted like everything was great.

He has called me every day and I met him for dinner on Wed night. Today is Saturday and I no contact since Thursday. I dont know what to make of this or what to do. I know that when a guy does this it is best to leave him alone......I dont know if he is trying to work some things out right now (possibly nothing to do with me) or has he just changed his mind about me and is not telling me. I know when I have talked to him on the phone he has talked to me about his work (he owns his own business) and I know he works alot and is stressed right now. He is trying to build his business back up to where it was pre-marriage, and thats really where he wants to be.

It's killing me. I have always let him call me, I never call first - I know men like to pursue so I have let him. I will not chase him. Would asking him what's going on and to talk to me about it be pushing too much? Or asking him if he has changed his mind about me??.....I dont want to be strung along.

I am not sure if its just me and my female mind going off in too many directions.

Please help!! I need to know the best way to approach this or exactly what I should say to him? I really see this person as someone being in my life for the duration and I dont want to do the wrong thing and blow it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 9:25am

I can't tell you what is going on with this man. But if he is doing all the calling sooner or later he is going to get the idea that you are not interested.

Quit playing games and give this man a call. Tell him that you are concerned and he needs to be honest with you with what is going on. There is no need to be kept in the dark.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 10:50am

Heres an update...he called me last night three times before I saw that he called (I was out to dinner with a friend). When I called him back he was wondering where I had been and said he has been calling me for hours (it had not even been 2 hours). He had and emergency call and wanted me to come over to where he was working, so I did, hung out with him then we went to a restaurant.

I am really thinking now that most of this is because of his work right now. He told me that he called me eariler in the evening to see if I wanted to go to a movie.....of course it was a last minute thing and I was unavailable. I think I need to have a discussion with him about this last minute stuff and let him know what I expect. He's last minute and I am a planner but I think we can compromise. I will make sure he knows that I completely understand that he is very busy with work, but that I enjoy spending time with him and would like to.

How does that sound?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 11:00am

That sounds like a great plan to me. If he agrees get specific, how much advance planning do you need and how often during the week do you want to see him.

I'd also scrap the "no call" rule on your part. You've been seeing him awhile, why give all the control to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 11:32am

Let me try to answer your most pressing question first:

It does sound like this man is distancing. You're supposed to be a couple and you haven't heard from him since Wednesday night? In my opinion, that's not the way a boyfriend treats his girlfriend. Als, IMO a couple spends weekends together... unless there's an prior agreement that you're not going to see each other, such as when someone has a LOT of work to do, or family obligations, or traveling.

So the next question is, what's going on? Well, my guess is he's having second thoughts about being in a serious relationship with you. Maybe it is too soon after his divorce and he's thinking it might be better to be free a while. Maybe he's still carrying a torch for his ex wife. Maybe the "glow" has worn off the infatuation with you. Maybe it's all of the above.

I think you're doing the right thing by NOT chasing him down or demanding answers.Since you're 40ish, you know the difference between someone who is busy but still wants to spend time with you, and someone who is acting wishy-washy.

So, what can you do? You can continue to lead your own life. I know you were enjoying the relationship and you want it to continue. But you had a life before this man and you need to be that same woman with her own friends, career and activities.

I know it makes you crazy when the man you're involved with seems to be distracted and pulling away. But you can't pull anyone to you who doesn't want to be there. He'll either come back around to the level that a boyfriend should be, because he wants you, or he'll fade away for good. And if he's leaving, it means this wasn't a romance that was meant to last. He's just not the man for you.

Still, I don't think there's any harm in calling him to say "Hi, I just wanted to see how you're doing." Especially since you guys were friends for several years before things turned romantic. See how he responds. It's not "chasing" to let someone know you're concerned and you care. But one phone call should do it. The ball will be in his court. And if you call, AVOID asking him "Why haven't I heard from you?" or anything like that.

His distancing may not be permanent. But I think it's something he needs to "get over" on his own. All you have to do is make the decision about whether you're willing to be there when (and if) he comes around. If you don't want to go through this uncertainty, you can decide to move on for your own peace of mind.

I wish you luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 3:36pm
WHOA! Great reply. I am speechless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:26am
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 9:38pm
third!