Pursue, be patient, move on?
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Pursue, be patient, move on?
| Sun, 04-08-2007 - 1:34am |
Ok. So here's the short version. Met a guy online. We talked on the phone for about a week, several hours each night. seemed to get along famously. decided to go on a date. went on our date - it was wonderful. When I said goodbye, he told me he had an excellent time, and I said i did too. he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Told me to call to make sure I got home safe. I did - told him I'd call him tomorrow once i got to my parents (for easter). He said he'd like that very much. And I didn't really hear from him on my day of travel. Got two text messages that were very short. He called me (the following day) and left a message on my voice mail this morning saying that he had heard from a girl he had gone out with on a first date several weeks ago, went out with her and has decided to see where it goes. What I really want to do is email him and say hey I had a great time blah blah blah, I did send him a text saying "best of luck, take care". I have not had such a wonderful date in ages. And hell I was under the impression he had a good time too, and was interested. So would there be any point in me emailing him? I have conflicting emotions on this. I kinda feel betrayed by his duplicity (granted he was honest about it on the message) and am hurt by feeling that he was window shopping and I clearly wasnt what he was interested in. On the other hand, i did meet him online and this is the wild wonderful world of ppl sometimes dating more than one person, and there's always the possibility that several dates down the road they won't work out. My situation is this, I don't date often, and I have never really felt so wonderful after a date. But when i was with him, it was all fluttery stomach, etc. So should I send a polite email saying I had a great time, just to let him know that I wouldn't mind seeing him again without blatantly saying it, or should i send him something more up front saying I was bummed. Or should I send him nothing. I am kind of an odd duck, so to speak, so finding someone who was more than ok with that was encouraging.

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maggiee01...
4 words from Pianoguy:
"Let this one GO!"
He's not worth your time.
Pianoguy
Sorry kiddo, I know how you feel. You are probably not an odd duck. It sounds more like you are a real person who connects on a real level, because most of what is out there is superficial and people using others for whatever personal gains they desire. I don't mean to sound negative, but it is amazing how dating has become business-like. I'm surprised people aren't asking for a prospectus before agreeing to go on a date. Dating is for the birds.
Also, everyone (men and women) is sampling everything out there before making decisions. Men have always dated around, they just never were honest about it, hehe. At least this guy respected you enough to be honest with you. I realize that you felt a special connection with this guy, but pianoguy is right to let him go. He must have felt something pretty special with this other girl to eliminate other potential dating partners in his circle. I also have noticed that men and women are going back to exboyfriends and girlfriends, why, I haven't a clue. I believe the adage, "an ex is an ex for a reason."
I know you probably feel that if you don't say something (like, if it doesn't work out, call me) then you would have let a fish slip away, but there are more fishes out there. I am sure you would rather be with a guy who reciprocates the special feelings that you have, as well. I say, don't settle for second best. But then again, I wasn't on your date with you to see if there was any chemistry, so if you feel that you would like to convey that he was someone you would go out with again, then put your feelers out there and then walk away.
pianoguy - love your tough love. I am sure that all of us women wish we could have a guy friend to break things down. So thanks!
Snafu - Yeah, the whole "don't go for second best" thought has been drifting through my mind. My girlfriends have different interpretations on it, but quite frankly I am thinking that this is ridiculous, how someone can claim to have such a good time, then so casually blow someone off...well it doesn't say a lot about their character. And especially about his character. Its sad - how many people can talk the talk but not walk the walk. Hopefully I can meet someone like him who is genuine. Who means what he says and says what he means.
Dating is just so frustrating. especially online dating. So hard to meet people today let alone genuine ppl.
Well thanks for your support. And your responses.
I don't see why you need to impugn his character. He was just DATING, like any of us is dating. That's what you do--you go out with a bunch of people and see who you get along with best.
I'm sure he DID have a good time with you, he just had a better time with the other woman. That doesn't make either of you bad or wrong, just not right for each other.
Sheri
I mentioned the "second best" thing because you really don't want a guy to call you after he discovers that the girl he went for first didn't work out. Kind of like, "oh well, I can still go out with this girl, she said she liked me". You definitely don't want that. That is why I probably would not say anything to him besides what you texted to him, which was perfect.
It is nice that he was honest with you, however, he did shoot himself in the foot by being honest with you. He could very well call you again one day and you'll know that it is because things didn't work out with the other girl. Movies are made about these scenarios. You know those movies where the girl loves the guy and pretty much conveys that to him, but guy sees her as a friend. However the guy is all caught up in someone else, girl#2. Girl #1 waits for the guy to discover girl#2 isn't right for him and that "love was right under his nose" with the one who was always crazy about him who he deemed as "friend". I wouldn't knowingly do that to myself. Sometimes people click right away and sometimes they don't. Maybe paths have to cross again in order for timing to be right. That is different.
There are still genuine people out there? Where? I just see a bunch of players and that includes men and women. Here in Florida I just see greedy selfish people. I understand your feelings regarding his duplicity. Sheri does have a point that this was just a "date" and was not a commitment. If you are not an active "dater" then his behavior would bother you. He probably did have a good time. I'm sure you guys had fun so I don't think he was lying about that. Then how could he turn around and do that to you? Maybe he is an active dater and doesn't perceive you as having invested any of your heart or soul into that one date. You may never really know. But if your gut curdled when you got that message then I would go with that feeling.
I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm a bit of an odd duck too and find it hard to connect with people that I first meet. I also had a guy do the same thing to me when I was doing the online dating thing. It's rough, I know. But don't take it personally (hard, I know) it's just par for the course with online dating. It's not for everybody.
(Incidentally, the guy I mentioned above called me two months after our first date. He asked for a second chance, which I gave him. It turned out that we didn't have as much chemistry as I thought we did and I never called him again.)
yeah - i am one who usually sticks to the whole gut impression bit, and find it all to be a bit cavalier on his behalf.
Sheri - I guess I was just mislead, whether it be by him or me, I am still not quite sure. Not being an active dater, serial dater, or what have you, I just have a different take on things. I understand that he was clearly more interested in her, and yes that is was a date, but there were implications that there was potential for more, no need to slap me in the face with that.
As always this kind of response to something of course reflects insecurities and what not, but such is life, and actually this is probably the reason why I don't date more. Whether its good or bad is moreso a judgement call, and right now keeping the walls up is best for the place I am in but later on who knows.
This is why I hate online dating. You need thick rhinocerous hide. I'm a bit of an odd duck myself, and don't date much, so I know how hard it is when you go out with someone and you seem to really be hitting it off and then something like this happens.
I would take the high road: just send a polite, unemotional and very brief response. I would not say you are open to future dates if things don't work out with Miss Thing.
There is no explanation for men's behavior.
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