Pursue, be patient, move on?

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Registered: 06-16-2003
Pursue, be patient, move on?
44
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 1:34am
Ok. So here's the short version. Met a guy online. We talked on the phone for about a week, several hours each night. seemed to get along famously. decided to go on a date. went on our date - it was wonderful. When I said goodbye, he told me he had an excellent time, and I said i did too. he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Told me to call to make sure I got home safe. I did - told him I'd call him tomorrow once i got to my parents (for easter). He said he'd like that very much. And I didn't really hear from him on my day of travel. Got two text messages that were very short. He called me (the following day) and left a message on my voice mail this morning saying that he had heard from a girl he had gone out with on a first date several weeks ago, went out with her and has decided to see where it goes. What I really want to do is email him and say hey I had a great time blah blah blah, I did send him a text saying "best of luck, take care". I have not had such a wonderful date in ages. And hell I was under the impression he had a good time too, and was interested. So would there be any point in me emailing him? I have conflicting emotions on this. I kinda feel betrayed by his duplicity (granted he was honest about it on the message) and am hurt by feeling that he was window shopping and I clearly wasnt what he was interested in. On the other hand, i did meet him online and this is the wild wonderful world of ppl sometimes dating more than one person, and there's always the possibility that several dates down the road they won't work out. My situation is this, I don't date often, and I have never really felt so wonderful after a date. But when i was with him, it was all fluttery stomach, etc. So should I send a polite email saying I had a great time, just to let him know that I wouldn't mind seeing him again without blatantly saying it, or should i send him something more up front saying I was bummed. Or should I send him nothing. I am kind of an odd duck, so to speak, so finding someone who was more than ok with that was encouraging.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:00am

I know this hurts and I'm sorry for that.


I'm with Sheri on this one though... and actually, his actions speak highly of his character. He could have just ghosted on you but instead was honest. That is rare! And if he had ghosted, you would have been sitting there wondering what happened. The truth hurts, but at least it lets you know where you stand. No deception.


Do not take that as a personal rejection though. You obviously are a woman who commands enough respect for a virtual stranger to call and be honest with. You are also a woman that is found to be a 'normal duck', enough so that someone wanted to date you. If you were odd, those two things would not have happened.


It stinks that this guy isn't the one for you, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. And

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:29am

why asre you asuming he didn't have a good time just because he's decided to pursue someone he met before you? It is entirely possible to have a good time, or even a great time, with someone yet not want to pursue it further for whatever reason. I will also add that no one can 'lead you to believe' anything you aren't ready to believe. On a first date you are 2 strangers getting to know each other - and even in that saying "I want to get married and have a family' is a general statement - and has nothing to do at all with you. Hon, if you 'saw' a potential future in his words - it's your unrealistic expectations that's now causing you hurt. It was a few hours out of your life - he didn't cause YOU harm in anyway, because he doesn't truly know you, or you him.

When I've had these situations happen to me, I've left it with 'Iwish you the best. If things don't work out, I hopeyou will call.' Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't - anf oddly enough - when they did call, I wasn't interested any longer.....

HOn, the universe does us favors all teh time by removing us from people or situations that are not good for us. And rather than see it as an opportunity for something better to come along - more often than not, we plot, plan, and cry about having 'lost' it and how to 'keep' it. Quite frankly, I don't want a man who doesn't want to be with me.

Always remember this - what is meant for you will not pass you by. But you readiness to receive it can delay it longer than necessary. See this guy as an indicator that yes, there are people out there whom you connect well with. And since dating is a numbers game, its simply a matter of time before you connect with someone who feels the same way about you.

Let go of the outcome here and enjoy your life. If you intend on dating, you will need to let go of unrealistic expectations and just see it as it is - a getting to know you process. And until both ofyou agree to more than that - there is really no 'potential' future.




Edited 4/10/2007 8:41 am ET by tonitoons

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:05am
cl-blynchik, I need to ask a question. Please do not take offense. I noticed in your post that you mentioned that he could have ghosted maggie, but instead chose to be honest. Since when is the standard for how we are treated to be a cold, insensitive message left on a machine instead of a personal conversation that also provides honesty? By saying "he could have ghosted you" it implies that as women, our standards for how we are treated have sunk to an all time low. I agree with you and Sheri, that to this guy it was just a first meeting and nothing more. However, that doesn't mean that maggie should accept this behavior as a standard to live by or accept that as a measure of her worth. I am also realistic in seeing the world for what it is and if this is how guys are trying to treat women then we need to see it clearly. But it remains pervasive because men have used this behavior to beat us down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:08am
Okay, I'll ask you this question, why are you an "odd duck"? Why are people referring to themselves this way? Just like "squeeze" is a new term for a particular type of relationship, is "odd duck" a new term for a particular type of person?
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:33am
Glad you asked. It's not a new term. It really just means someone who is out of the mainstream. For instance, I consider myself an odd duck because I like foreign films and most people don't. Plus, I'm an introvert and the majority of the population are extroverts who find us very puzzling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:39am

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ok - a little reality here - tehy met ONCE. Spent maybe a few hours together. He called and got her answering machine. Given teh lenght of time - a few hours - that they interacted, a message is fine. I've had a few this way, I've left a few this way. Had they dated a number of times, then it would have been more coureous to tell her persnally.

I see nothing wrong with a message in this instance. He didn't treat her badly - he doesn't know her. Was he impersonal, yes - but then he doesn't know her does he.

It serves no purpose to make someone wrong for nto doing things exactly the way you would. And having been in this situation myself, I found it far easier to say what I wanted to say to machine than in those times I got the person who then tried to talk me out of it or asked ridiculous WHY questions.

He gave her the courtesy of tellling her 'No thanks' - many do not do this at all. It really doesn't matter if a guy tells you 'No thanks' to your face, to your answering machine or by email - its stll No Thanks. There is no need to make this a bigger deal than it was. Break ups by phoneanswering machine are not uncommon or wrong when you've only known someone a few days - or hours in this case.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:43am

No offense taken at all! I have no problems sharing more.


I definitely hear where you're coming from and understand how it could imply that our standards have sunk as women. I think my thinking is not along the lines of sinking standards as it is to accept the behaviors of others. Could I demand more? Yes. But based on my experiences, to expect a person to treat you in a certain way or in this case, to call or speak face to face is futile. My expectations will never be met if I expect a person to react or act in the same way I would. So for me, if he at least gave the courtesy of a message, I'd personally prefer that rejection over never hearing from him again and me wondering what happened. (Which then leads us to making too many calls or too many attempts at contact...) I could hold onto the "he should have done this..." idea but what will that get me but wasted time and energy? He did what he did and that can't be changed so to me, it's a matter of accepting it or holding onto it for no purpose.


I'm not saying what he did was right or that I would handle it in that same way. But I can't expect him to act as I would. And what he did give was an answer and left the OP with no wondering. Not that it makes it go away, but for me it would be easier.


Let me know if that explains where I'm coming from...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 12:13pm

I don't really understand what you mean by the terms "active dater" or "serial dater". To me, what kind of dater you are is really irrelevant--you're just out there DATING, like everyone else, right? And to expect someone to have obligations and responsibilities to you after ONE date is just not realistic in the dating world. You can *have* expectations, of course, but if you do, you will be disappointed frequently. That's the reality. So yes, at this point, until you're able to adjust your expectations, it's probably best that you don't date--and I don't mean that unkindly, just that you really do have to have thick skin if you're going to date and not be constantly disappointed.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 7:09pm
I see, thanks for the explanation. I don't see you as "odd". I see you as a different person from me, that's all. I am kind of a combo of an extrovert and an introvert. In some new situations I tend to sit back and I'm a little quiet. Then, once I am comfortable I am my usual self. Lots of people like foreign films. Introverts aren't puzzling, they may be viewed as quiet and guarded, if anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 7:15pm

Well, if it suited you to do the same thing, I can see understand why you feel he didn't do anything illmannered. It has to do more with manners, than with how long they knew each other. It doesn't matter if it was a friend, a coworker or a one time date, I am talking about manners. That is a reality for you to consider now.

Also, it is kind of stupid in this day and age to behave this way. You never know when you will run into someone again. This guy could one day walk into her office, not knowing it is her, needing to close a business deal. People need to think beyond the immediate moment and gratification of that moment into "why cut off my nose to spite my face". This is where I am coming from in all of my interactions, with neighbors, friends, coworkers, bosses, boyfriends,etc. Manners and good judgement builds successful lives.