Pursue, be patient, move on?

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Registered: 06-16-2003
Pursue, be patient, move on?
44
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 1:34am
Ok. So here's the short version. Met a guy online. We talked on the phone for about a week, several hours each night. seemed to get along famously. decided to go on a date. went on our date - it was wonderful. When I said goodbye, he told me he had an excellent time, and I said i did too. he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Told me to call to make sure I got home safe. I did - told him I'd call him tomorrow once i got to my parents (for easter). He said he'd like that very much. And I didn't really hear from him on my day of travel. Got two text messages that were very short. He called me (the following day) and left a message on my voice mail this morning saying that he had heard from a girl he had gone out with on a first date several weeks ago, went out with her and has decided to see where it goes. What I really want to do is email him and say hey I had a great time blah blah blah, I did send him a text saying "best of luck, take care". I have not had such a wonderful date in ages. And hell I was under the impression he had a good time too, and was interested. So would there be any point in me emailing him? I have conflicting emotions on this. I kinda feel betrayed by his duplicity (granted he was honest about it on the message) and am hurt by feeling that he was window shopping and I clearly wasnt what he was interested in. On the other hand, i did meet him online and this is the wild wonderful world of ppl sometimes dating more than one person, and there's always the possibility that several dates down the road they won't work out. My situation is this, I don't date often, and I have never really felt so wonderful after a date. But when i was with him, it was all fluttery stomach, etc. So should I send a polite email saying I had a great time, just to let him know that I wouldn't mind seeing him again without blatantly saying it, or should i send him something more up front saying I was bummed. Or should I send him nothing. I am kind of an odd duck, so to speak, so finding someone who was more than ok with that was encouraging.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 7:35pm

Calling as a courtesy to let her know that he's no longer is interested after only one date IS good manners. Many people would just disappear without saying anything, but since he apparently led her to believe that there would be a 2nd date, then it would have been rude of him not to let her know otherwise. An email would also have been a polite way of handling it.

I don't understand why you think it's not. Perhaps you can explain what you think "manners" would require here? Surely you don't think he should have put her through inviting her out on another date, only to waste her time and crush her hopes when she got there by telling her he'd met someone else--now THAT would be ill-mannered, IMO!

Sheri

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Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 7:37pm

This helps, thank you. I know we cannot expect others to behave as we would in all cases. But that doesn't mean it was the right way to handle it, whether it be work, play or romance. One must have a standard to live by. If someone violates your standards of how you would like to be treated, don't ever compromise it. I did and it got me in a heap of trouble that I am trying to still extract myself from. I felt the same way as you and tonitoons once and the disparity of ethics between me and the other people almost lead to me getting killed. So I do not compromise standards anymore. But unless you have been where I am, you won't agree. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that maggie should call him and explain that to him. But to think that that was the coolest way to handle it, is so far off, it isn't funny.

I do acknowledge this guy's honesty - for that I will give him credit. I think he was illmannered and insensitive in how he delivered the news, but i see the younger generation's idea of dating is also "hanging out". Hopefully one day someone gives him some constructive feedback for these types of situations. Things have changed and since the world is time-starved, people are cutting corners in life where it shouldn't be cut. I would never dream of leaving a message like that for a guy. I can see a letter, or a chat on the phone, but not a message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:04pm
"Surely you don't think he should have put her through inviting her out on another date, only to waste her time and crush her hopes when she got there by telling her he'd met someone else--now THAT would be ill-mannered, IMO!" - no, that would be cruel and heartless. Leaving a voice message is cold and ill mannered to me. I am also alot older than most of you and that is how things were handled back then, either face to face or on the phone or in a letter. I know most people would have just blown her off, but that is not something to compare to because that is the bottom of the heap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:06pm
I dont' date for the sake of dating, you know, the numbers game. I date only when I am truely interested in someone. I know plenty of women who accept dates to have a night out or a free meal. I see that type of person as an active dater who dates to "work it". Not sure if this explains my use of that term.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:25pm

I don't think you're older than I am (I'm 48). And even back in the 70s when I started dating, people just did the disappearing thing.

I personally would much rather get an email or a phone message than have to endure the rejection in a "live" phone call or (heaven forbid) be told in person! After just one date, that's totally unnecessary, IMO.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:31pm

I don't either and don't know many people who do. Who has the time, frankly? I'd rather stay home with a good book than endure a date just for the sake of dating!

I'm still not clear how either party being an "active dater" by your definition has any bearing on the OP's situation, however. The etiquette would still be the same.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 9:13pm
My odd duck thing is hard to explain - I am who I am. My students describe it best by informing me that I am weird, good weird, but weird nonetheless. Just have always marched to the beat of my own drummer. Its not an issue of how I look or anything, it's moreso my personality. I can't quite verbalize it properly but will see if some of my friends can and relay what they say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 9:32pm
Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph this has been carried way further than I ever anticipated. Listen I am a sensitive person. And a little bit different personaility wise, so when I get to even talking with someone and it's not akward I always get a little excited. I have met some of my best friends by just being able to click and talk with them, but those people are few and far between. I am 30, and have been very cautious about dating after getting badly burned when I was 20. I actually took 5 years off from dating because I didn't want to be in a relationship like that again. However, I do appreciate the fact that he called, you are right sheri he didn't have to and many wouldn't have. It's just that he misrepresented himself and that for me is very hard to swallow. Naive yes. Overly sensitive, yes. But I also know that its part of me. And it actually makes me damn good at what I do, and its one of the traits that my friends admire, that draw them in. I am passionate about everything I do. I am also overly empathetic. I don;t know if this gives you any insight into anything you have commented about, but I do want to say that I appreciate all you ALL are saying. Its funny how closely it mirrors what my girlfriends are saying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 9:41pm

<>

a letter is a message - and people tend to write 'letters' to people who matter to them - and men tend to write 'letters' even less. An email can be called a letter - and to me that is far less personal than a message on an answering machine. I agree totally with Sheri - what happened at the turn of hte century or even in the 50's, or even 80's doesn't fly now. I'm not a young 'un either - I'm 43 and I know very well what manners are. Manners consist of showing thought and courtesy to another - and it comes in various forms that length of association can and does impact. Would it have been kinder for him to say 'call me' and then she do it, all happy to hear from him only to be told 'no thanks'? Part of courtesy and manners is kindness. He treated her with courtesy and if he ran into her in the future, it wouldn't be nearly as awkward as if he had skipped.

I'm sorry that your life was threatened - but it doesn't make this guy or me or anyone else who leaves a message to someone they DON'T know very well to tell them no thanks ill mannered. Disappearing is ill-mannered. Leaving a message after dating fir months is cowardly - but not at all in this instance. And having been told in person more than a few times, I'm ok with some guy nI don't know leaving a message after a first or second date.

We'll have disagree on this.




Edited 4/10/2007 9:51 pm ET by tonitoons

Toni

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Registered: 09-19-2002
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 2:29am
Odd duck - I'm definitely not your average bear and I march to the beat of my own inner beatbox... I can come across as odd or interesting, never average. Ya know?