Putting Relationships on "Pause"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Putting Relationships on "Pause"
3
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:41am
I've been seeing a guy ("Tom") for about a month. I've never had so much fun with anyone in all of my life! Things couldn't be better and I feel very lucky to have found him. On Friday, I got some cool news. A mutual friend of ours runs a personality typing website that he is beta-testing. He will eventually roll out the website as a dating service. Both Tom and I submitted ourselves for testing just for fun. As it turns out, we are a spot on match for romantic compatability. The website guy said that it is less than a 1 in 100 chance that a pre-established couple would turn out to be so compatable and that it had NEVER happened before in the two years he had been working on this project. Tom and I think it is pretty much the coolest thing ever.

Tom is a school teacher and takes his job very seriously. During the summer he needs time to chill out and recover, so he left today for about a month-long trip during which he will visit his parents, friends from various parts of the country, and go on a camping vacation up north. Last night after a dinner date, we had a pretty serious conversation. He said that while he was gone, he didn't want me to put my life on hold. He is skeptical of summer romances and needed some time to sort things out. I told him that I feel the same way (which I do) and I needed space to think things through...I've been deeply wounded by several men in the past two years and my defenses are up in a major way. So we agreed that the best thing to do is put our relationship on "pause" as if we were watching a movie when the phone rang and we intend to come back to continue the story later. I started to tear up (and so did he) so he gave me a huge hug and said, "I'm not breaking up with you, I'm just slowing things down for a few weeks. Plus, there are things I want to do with you regardless of what we decide to do in September."

I know it is the smart, mature thing to do, but I feel as if I'm being set up for heartache when he returns. That last part about "regardless of what we decide" makes me think that this whole "pause" thing is just his way of letting me down easy. At this point, I don't think I can handle being strung along and ultimately hurt again, but this relationship has so much potential that I don't feel like I can just put it aside either. My girlfriends said that if he wanted to break things off, this would have been the perfect opportunity to do it. I should just keep pushing forward with my happy, fulfilling life and things will most likely be great when he gets back.

So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...a great guy with so much to offer is conflicting with my sense of emotional self-preservation. I've been walking around all day on the verge of tears because I just realized last night how much this meant to me. I really want to say "forget it" right now and begin the healing process...please give me some reason to stay the course and continue to put myself out there in this relationship!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:51am
I was compatible with my ex-bf, in ALL categories. But that isn't everything. Chemistry factors in as well.

I really think if this man was ready to commit to you, he would do so. He may like you a lot, but isn't wanting to get serious with anyone right now. I think you should do as he said. The only way to "get him back" in fact, would be to not contact him anymore, and date other guys. That would really get him to thinking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:52am
odancingvao...

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"....right? So let Tom enjoy his time away while you "busy yourself" with other stuff! Don't dwell on the separation...use the time for more constructive individual pursuits, okay?

By the way...your girlfriends might mean well with their advice, but they aren't having the relationship with Tom...YOU ARE! And when you consider the fact that you both were 'in tears' when he left---I'll bet there will be plenty of overdue hugs and kisses when he comes back home?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 12:22pm
You don't need to forget it with Tom, just don't dwell on it. He's going to be gone for a month, why wait around wondering what's going to happen when he returns? You can go out with your friends and maybe date someone else. You two didn't talk about being exclusive and not seeing anyone while he was gone, so go out and date! You've only been seeing him for a month, you should be dating other people too to see what is out there. Get your friend to spit out another compatable person for you from his dating service, could be fun! If you aren't available and have been dating others while this Tom guy is gone, then he may realize what he's missing out on. The more clingy you are to him, the less likely he will return and want you with him.

Who knows? You may meet another guy who's even better!

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