question about the future?
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question about the future?
| Mon, 06-19-2006 - 11:49am |
I have a question that is weighing heavy on my mind. I have been seeing someone for a little over 2 months. Not a day has gone by that we haven't spent time together since we met. We have alot in common, we have a great time together. It seems we have almost mirrored pasts with our troubled ex-spouses and we have teenage kids that are the same age. Everything about this guy feels right to me, he feels like he may be "the one". We have already told each other we love each other, although it isn't said on a regular basis. My question is...when is it soon enough to start having serious talks about the future. He says that he probably won't commit to anyone for a long time, commit meaning marriage. He didn't say how long a long time is. When do you know that something is or isn't going somewhere? I don't want to waste a minute finding the person I want to spend my life with. I enjoyed very much being married, and I was good at that life. I want that life again with someone. So how long to I give this relationship or any relationship before you know to move on? I have absolutely fallen for this guy, and it's gonna hurt bad if something happens. Do I pull my emotions back out of fear of getting hurt? He has made it clear that he isn't interested in being with anyone else.

I think it's completely appropriate to find out what he's looking for in a relationship *in general*. I prefer to have that discussion on the first date or two, so that it's clear that it's a general question to make sure we're on the same page with what we're looking for, and not "what do you want with ME?". At 2 months, it's too soon to be asking that, but it's definitely not too soon to know whether marriage is something he'd be open to with the right person. And I do think that a general question about how long he feels he'd need to be involved with someone before marriage (assuming that's something he's open to) would be appropriate.
As far as whether YOU are the right person, I don't think that's something that you start discussing seriously until you've been dating for *at least* 4-6 months. It takes that much time, IMO, for the real person to start to come out and for the initial infatuation to start waning a bit.
Here's a link to a post on another board that might help you as well:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1
Sheri
Imorear...
Sorry to burst your bubble, but Pianoguy thinks 2 months ISN'T ADEQUATE TIME to know someone "inside and out"---let alone plan a future life together.
The 2 of you might have plenty of things in common (interests, children of the same age, etc.)...but the more time you spend with each other...it won't take long to discover 'the weak points' about one another.
THIS IS A GOOD THING!
Wanna know why?
Because if you decide that a marriage is the right course to pursue, you'll have a better understanding about each other's strengths and weaknesses! Knowing as many of these before you say: "I DO" can often determine the longevity and success the two of you will have?
Give your friendship at least one year. By June of 2007....the two of you will either have a common goal (to be with each other) or will have realized that a GOOD FRIENDSHIP is all you'll ever have together?
Pianoguy
It's only been 2 months so I definitely wouldn't push for any serious commitment. However in a general way talk about goals and wants for the future. Don't try to pin him to an immediate timeframe but it is good to in a non-pressured way ask him what he means by a long time and does he ever see himself married again?
It is good to know where someone is at and where they want to be as early in as possible - it will help you make decisions - but again, dont back him into a corner.
Good luck