Question For Woman
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| Tue, 08-08-2006 - 11:36pm |
I have dated this wonderful girl for a little over a year now. I am a year out of college, working full time while going to graduate school. My job is demanding, going for a masters in business takes so much time out of my day as well. I see my girlfriend often, most weekends we are down the shore together. Also keep in mind that i get out of work at 6 or 7 at night and have school till 10 pm two days out of the week.
But with all that my girlfriend needs to talk on the phone every day. A lot of times i find myself listening to the most odd and drawn out conversations about a cup of coffee she had or a bug she had to squash. I feel a bit odd about saying this but sometimes all I can think about is getting off the phone. Even before a date or going out to dinner, she wants to talk on the phone and tell me about her day. So on dates we sometimes have nothing to talk about!
I feel some of this might be coming from the fact that the longest relationship she has ever had lasted 3 months. I think because its the first time she has experianced a strong connection with someone she wants to share her day with. Which i understand. But sometimes i want to drive, listening to the radio and hear the sound of my engine. Or come home finish my work and go to sleep. Or just come home, do the odds and ends needed to be done. All while looking forward to the weekend or the next time i get to see the girl i love.
How do i communicate the fact that when I get home on a weeknight at 8 in the evening that i dont have the time or the mind set to talk EVERY night.

I'm a man, so I will offer a suggestion man-to-man.
You need to take *THE* leadership role of managing her expectations. When you speak to her on Wednesday evening, tell her very clearly that Thursday evening is extremely full and that it requires your complete focus for the day. Tell her that you will call her on Friday at 7:00PM or whatever time is available to you. Then you do exactly as you said you would do. You must always backup your words with actions. It's all about honor at that point.
She may try to argue with you on this, but stay firm with your commitment to your word. It will take some time, but she will learn to respect you on this.
Happy mom to 3 wonderful Boys and 1 pretty Girl!
No offense spice man but your advice seems very much like a 'my way or the highway' approach. Though I agree with the basis of it, I think when talking to the person you love, a bit more tact may be in order. To the OP: I think if you let her know that your days are wearing on you, reassure her that you love her very much and want to spend quality time with her but feel that your level of fatigue/stress makes it hard to do so and *ask* her if the two of you could come to an agreement about when to talk. Also emphasize though if there's something she needs or if there is something that is pressing to talk about, that she can call you.
It's funny... my girlfriend told me that she heard a stat that showed on average women speak 20,000 words a day as opposed to a man's 7,000! I guess it's all about finding that middle ground... ;o)
Hope this helps.
My intent is to NOT create a "my way or the highway" message at all. My intent is to clearly define a set of fair and reasonable expectations, then to be a man of honor and do what you say you're going to do. Absolutely I used very direct words to express this so that the bottom line intent is clearly understood. Essentially what happens is that these fair and reasonable expectations become the platform for negotiation and compromise.
There are many different ways to actually express the intent and expectations. What he shouldn't have to do though is ask for her permission to not call her one night.
Usually, I am the alpa male type. She has complained that I take charge most of the time. She says she doesnt mind that to an extent. We have talked about it before.One of the reasons why she fell for me was because i was so driven and i knew what i wanted. But i dont want it to come across as my way or the high way.
She is a good woman and i waant to make sure she realizes i care about her. I think the issue is the difference of how woman and men associate with eachother. I feel connected if she needs me to hang her drapes or help her around her house. She feels connected when i share feels and that type of stuff with her.
So yeah i am going to talk with her tomorrow. ill let you know
If you're up for a book suggestion.... What Women Want Men to Know, by Barbara DeAngelis.
I read it before I gave it to my bf to read. I think I probably gained more from it (and a lot more insight into myself (and women in general - who'da thunk I was 'normal'?)) than my boyfriend has so far, but I think it has been/will be beneficial to us both in different ways. ...In particular with how men and women communicate differently and how we can get our needs met without suffocating or ignoring the other person's needs. Also how men and womens's concepts of 'time' differ. That helped us both a lot.
You have to talk to her or you're going to be more and more frustrated and that won't help your relationship. Obviously be diplomatic (not going on about her boring soliloquies) but just say that much as you love talking to her sometimes when you get home from a long day you're bushed and dont have time for more than a quick check-in. On those times you can store it up and have more to talk about and share when you get together. Again, it's not a slap on her, just an expression of your needs
good luck