Question For Woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Question For Woman
9
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 11:36pm

I have dated this wonderful girl for a little over a year now. I am a year out of college, working full time while going to graduate school. My job is demanding, going for a masters in business takes so much time out of my day as well. I see my girlfriend often, most weekends we are down the shore together. Also keep in mind that i get out of work at 6 or 7 at night and have school till 10 pm two days out of the week.

But with all that my girlfriend needs to talk on the phone every day. A lot of times i find myself listening to the most odd and drawn out conversations about a cup of coffee she had or a bug she had to squash. I feel a bit odd about saying this but sometimes all I can think about is getting off the phone. Even before a date or going out to dinner, she wants to talk on the phone and tell me about her day. So on dates we sometimes have nothing to talk about!

I feel some of this might be coming from the fact that the longest relationship she has ever had lasted 3 months. I think because its the first time she has experianced a strong connection with someone she wants to share her day with. Which i understand. But sometimes i want to drive, listening to the radio and hear the sound of my engine. Or come home finish my work and go to sleep. Or just come home, do the odds and ends needed to be done. All while looking forward to the weekend or the next time i get to see the girl i love.

How do i communicate the fact that when I get home on a weeknight at 8 in the evening that i dont have the time or the mind set to talk EVERY night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pie110
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:14am

I'm a man, so I will offer a suggestion man-to-man.

You need to take *THE* leadership role of managing her expectations. When you speak to her on Wednesday evening, tell her very clearly that Thursday evening is extremely full and that it requires your complete focus for the day. Tell her that you will call her on Friday at 7:00PM or whatever time is available to you. Then you do exactly as you said you would do. You must always backup your words with actions. It's all about honor at that point.

She may try to argue with you on this, but stay firm with your commitment to your word. It will take some time, but she will learn to respect you on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
In reply to: pie110
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 10:21am
I am new to this board and your situation has brought me out of lurkdom...I think differently than the advice given by spice man. It might just cause a blow up, something nobody wants, since it is kinda "extreme" to what she is used to. I think that being open and honest about how you feel is the way to go. Why can't you just tell her what you have said here? Also, maybe instead setting a time to call in 2 days, how about calling just to say goodnight, that's all, no long conversation...just sweet dreams.

Happy mom to 3 wonderful Boys and 1 pretty Girl!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
In reply to: pie110
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 11:06am
As a woman who likes to talk A LOT, I can tell you what my ex boyfriend of 3 years told me. When he would come home from work I would tell him all about my day and then want to hear about his. He would give a few details and then help with dinner. I would be sad and confused as to why he didn't want to give me every detail like I did with him. He finally sat me down one day and just told me that when he came home from work he just wanted to leave work alone and that my stories to him made him more tired. Now I know that seems harsh but he explained it in a way that when he came home he just wanted to relax and be with me, not talk about everything. So....I guess what I'm telling you is you can explain to her what's going on without being mean about it. Just tell her that you love her and you want to hear all about what's going on in her life but you're just not that big of a "phone person." Tell her you'd rather wait until you're face to face to hear her funny stories rather than having to imagine the expressions on her face through a telephone. Yeah, that's good. I'd buy it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: pie110
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 11:28am

No offense spice man but your advice seems very much like a 'my way or the highway' approach. Though I agree with the basis of it, I think when talking to the person you love, a bit more tact may be in order. To the OP: I think if you let her know that your days are wearing on you, reassure her that you love her very much and want to spend quality time with her but feel that your level of fatigue/stress makes it hard to do so and *ask* her if the two of you could come to an agreement about when to talk. Also emphasize though if there's something she needs or if there is something that is pressing to talk about, that she can call you.


It's funny... my girlfriend told me that she heard a stat that showed on average women speak 20,000 words a day as opposed to a man's 7,000! I guess it's all about finding that middle ground... ;o)


Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pie110
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:22pm

My intent is to NOT create a "my way or the highway" message at all. My intent is to clearly define a set of fair and reasonable expectations, then to be a man of honor and do what you say you're going to do. Absolutely I used very direct words to express this so that the bottom line intent is clearly understood. Essentially what happens is that these fair and reasonable expectations become the platform for negotiation and compromise.

There are many different ways to actually express the intent and expectations. What he shouldn't have to do though is ask for her permission to not call her one night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: pie110
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:52pm
Understood. I think it's just that a man and woman have different ways of communicating so when I'm sharing my opinion about how your words came across, I'm just letting you know how it lands with me as a woman. And I agree with you... he shouldn't ask permission. But if a relationship is 50/50, shouldn't it warrant a discussion?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: pie110
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 11:21pm

Usually, I am the alpa male type. She has complained that I take charge most of the time. She says she doesnt mind that to an extent. We have talked about it before.One of the reasons why she fell for me was because i was so driven and i knew what i wanted. But i dont want it to come across as my way or the high way.

She is a good woman and i waant to make sure she realizes i care about her. I think the issue is the difference of how woman and men associate with eachother. I feel connected if she needs me to hang her drapes or help her around her house. She feels connected when i share feels and that type of stuff with her.

So yeah i am going to talk with her tomorrow. ill let you know

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: pie110
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 12:10am

If you're up for a book suggestion.... What Women Want Men to Know, by Barbara DeAngelis.

I read it before I gave it to my bf to read. I think I probably gained more from it (and a lot more insight into myself (and women in general - who'da thunk I was 'normal'?)) than my boyfriend has so far, but I think it has been/will be beneficial to us both in different ways. ...In particular with how men and women communicate differently and how we can get our needs met without suffocating or ignoring the other person's needs. Also how men and womens's concepts of 'time' differ. That helped us both a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: pie110
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:18pm

You have to talk to her or you're going to be more and more frustrated and that won't help your relationship. Obviously be diplomatic (not going on about her boring soliloquies) but just say that much as you love talking to her sometimes when you get home from a long day you're bushed and dont have time for more than a quick check-in. On those times you can store it up and have more to talk about and share when you get together. Again, it's not a slap on her, just an expression of your needs


good luck

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