Question for the women...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Question for the women...
7
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:01pm
This is a question for the women...Sorry, kinda long.

Have any of you started out as friends with a guy that you are currently with and witnessed/or knew about a "fling" or one night stand with the guy you're with and a girl that he did stuff with?? This is all before you and him were even dating, I may add. And, if so, do you ever feel insecure about it, or jealous?

I am currently in a relationship of 2 years with my guy, but back in the day (when we had only known eachother for a week) I had stopped over and witnessed him and this other girl that he had known before he met me starting to hook up, and later found out that they did have sex that night. If it helps at all, he and this girl were extremely intoxicated, and it probably would not have happened if they had not been drinking. For some reason, I can't seem to get past the picture of those two together. I know that she meant nothing to him--he had never tried to pursue her or anything. He had told me that during the time when he first met me that he thought "he could never get me". He had really liked me at the time, and pursued me a great deal until I finally gave in to have a relationship with him. (At the time, I thought I did not like him more than a friend, although I remember being jealous seeing him with that girl that night? Does that make sense?) He also told me that he had never before had a feeling like how he had gotten when he first met me. I know that he loves me very much and cares for me, but I still can't seem to get the picture of him and the other girl out of my head. We weren't even dating at the time, so why does this frustrate me? Plus, I had done stuff with a guy the week after he had with the girl, except I knew the girl that he had done stuff with--maybe that's why it bugs me? Anyone been in a similar situation??

Any comments or suggestions would be of great help.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:16pm
I have felt the same way with my ex. When we first were seeing each other, it wasn't for sex or anything like that. It was just hanging out with him and his buddies. Well, you know how guys like to talk and brag...long and short of it is I got to hear how much he was popular with the ladies in high school and out. Even got to hear about his latest conquests, just a few days before I came over. It never went out of my head...sometimes still pops up to distress me for the fun of it. Most people will never be able to entirely accept their lover had other lovers, but hearing or witnessing proofs of that doesn't help. If you can, move on despite that fact, because you weren't entertaining a relationship with him at that time you saw what you did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:09am
what do you mean by fling?...do you mean that he had a one night stand? That's not a big deal in my book. Who cares about that? But if he makes it a regular habit of drinking to the point where he's 'out of it' (and how out of it could he be if he could perform??)...or if you meant that he cheated on his girl, then I wouldn't give this guy the time of day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 5:47am
Sorry to be harsh, but I think you're being pretty silly. So what if he had sex with a girl before you guys got together? Why can you not get past it? Are you insecure in the relationship? If that's the case, focus on the issue of your insecurity instead of focusing on something meaningless like a one-night-stand that happened two years ago.

If you really can't get past it, then end the relationship and get into therapy to find out why you are making problems for yourself where there aren't any.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 2:29pm
Why is this such a big deal to you? I assume you knew he had a life before he got together with you. What difference does it make that you actually know one of the women he had a "fling" with?

I agree with the person who said that you should be more concerned if he's drinking and getting drunk to the point where he has sex with people that he otherwise wouldn't be involved with. If he does that, you better be careful with him yourself... get tested and always wear a condom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 3:13pm
I honestly don't know why it's such a big deal...I'm trying to keep telling myself that it doesn't matter because we weren't dating. Sometimes I don't even care, and then other days I do.

As for the being drunk scenario, he does not drink much, if at all. This was only one occasion in which his judgement was not up to par due to drinking. He was in a serious relationship before me with another girl. So he has only had two partners before me, and yes, he has been tested. It doesn't have anything to do with his drinking that I'm worried about at all--I think it's just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 3:30pm

You said that you had a fling as well...could the insecurity be how you feel about that? ie, you would be tempted with your fling or some such thing? Every jealous guy I've had to deal with, turned out to be an untrustworthy guy - which is why he had trust issues with me. Something to think about...b/c you not only have a double standard here but

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 8:53am
I understand why you are upset. I would be to. My ex boyfriend of 2 years was wonderful to me. His girlfriend before me, he was with for about 4 years. I expected that they slept together, and he admitted that they had, but I guess I didn't want to admit to myself how much, and everytime I would think about it, I would get upset. He didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore, but it still bugged me. I also found out, after we broke up, that he had slept with another girl before his last girlfriend. I was really upset about that. Not that he had slept with this girl, (he said he regretted it), but that while we were together, and sleeping together, he never thought it important enough to mention that instead of sleeping with one other person, he had slept with two. I guess it wouldn't have mattered if he had told me, but still he was keeping something from me. Now I realize that he isn't worth it to me at all, (he's now sleeping with my roommate, and they are both lying to me about it).

You are in a committed relationship with this guy, right? Well, tell him how you feel. Tell him that it doesn't affect the relationship, but that the memories of what you saw bug you from time to time. If he cared about you at all, he would respect your feelings, and let you know that you are the only one for him now. I hope everything works out for you.